Flowery Language - 'Bird's Eye'

Time for a return to my Flowery Language collection - exploring potential mix-ups caused by the common names of flowers.
Today, Veronica Persica which is also known as Bird's Eye.

To The Tower - Horrific Histories

Today's entry is from my Horrific Histories collection. It's one of the ones I did submit and got a thank you letter and a signed photo of the cast for my trouble.
It's a reimagining of Nancy's song from Oliver as if she was detailing some of the historic events concerning the Tower of London.

Oom-Pah-Pah To The Tower not from Oliver

Somewhere in the city
There is a sight so pretty
Been standing there for years
For more years
Than you know
William Conqueror built it,
Began the year ten six six
And I say it’s exactly where you all should go...

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where I goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
(There’s) secrets hidden beneath where the grass grows
So I say...to the tower!!

King Richard the Third had
A reputation for being bad--
Cause people said that he had killed his nephews.
Why should he have done it,
The throne? Already won it,
But it’s still an image
That he cannot refuse!

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where we goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
Did Richard do it? What do you suppose?
Still we say...to the tower!?
(Did Richard do it? What do you suppose?
Still we say...to the tower!? )

Pretty little Queen Anne
Was working on her grand plan,
To get the king to marry her and be his wife.
She’ll give him a daughter,
But not the child she oughta--
A year or two, and then she will
Pay with her life!

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where we goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
Was hers a real trial, or was it just show--
Still we say to the tower!

Jane was born a lady,
Descended from royalty--
Allowed the Earl to crown  'er, then marry 'er off
To be a queen is tryin'
And this one soon is dyin’
She's sure to bring a crowd in,
When her block’s knocked off!

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where we goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
Wishes to the crown she’d turned up her nose
Still we say... To the tower!

To the tower! To the tower!
To the tower! To the tower!
To the tower! To the tower!
To the tower! To the tower!

To the tower! To the tower! To the tower! To the tower!
To the tower! To the tower! To the tower! To the tower!

Somewhere in the city
There is a sight so pretty
Been standing there for years
For more years
Than you know
William Conqueror built it,
Began the year ten six six
And I say it’s exactly where you all should go...

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where we goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
Staffed by Beefeaters and ravens not crows
Still we say...to the tower!!

To the tower! To the tower!
That's where we goes,
To the tower! To the tower!
Ev'ryone knows.
We’d all better get there before they close
So we say...to the tower!!

Caption time 2 - God Speed

It's Monday! Time for another caption.
Today's target is 'God Speed' by Edmund Blair Leighton:

Oh Mr Cameron - !!!NEW!!!

Another rare entry from my !!!NEW!!! collection today which this time attempts to tackle the topical issue of HS2. 

In 1893 a gentleman by the name of George Le Brunn wrote a song called Oh! Mr Porter – made famous by music hall performers such as Marie Lloyd. The chorus goes like this:

Oh! Mr Porter, what shall I do,

I wanted to go to Birmingham, and they've taken me on to Crewe,

Take me back to London, as quickly as you can

Oh! Mr Porter what a silly girl I am

Then in the 1960s when a certain Doctor Beeching came along and started shutting down England’s railways, the merry British public came up with this charming parody:

Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?

There once were lots of trains to catch, but soon there will be none,

I'll have to buy a bike, 'cause I can't afford a car,

Oh, Dr. Beeching, what a naughty man you are!

So I thought, in the wake of the current turmoil caused by the HS2 debate, that I’d have a go myself:

Oh, Mr Cameron, what’s going on?

I used to have a house and home, but soon they will be gone

It’s all for HS2, but I can’t afford the fee

Oh, Mr Cameron, how it’s worth it I can’t see

Cabin (Pressure) Fever

Another one-off Saturday Special.  
Aside from creating my own unique version of Cabin Pressure-opoly (photos here), I decided to pen a few little ditties (or episode summaries) for one of my favourite radio shows.
(Btw, if you haven't heard Cabin Pressure before - why not?!? There are some excellent taster clips that can be found on YouTube.)

A
Pussy cat, pussy cat - where did you go?
Up in an airplane - didn't you know?
Pussy cat, pussy cat - what did you do?
I froze half to death - my whiskers turned blue

B
Gerti's burning, Gerti's burning
In the toilet, in the toilet
Fire, fire! Fire, fire!
Call on Arthur, Call on Arthur
He'll see to it, overdo it

C
When you've got booked rooms of state
But can't afford the rate - that's Cremona
When there's film stars to schmooz
And a fan club to lose - that's Cremona
When you're stuck for a plan
But know douglas can help
Martin-a
Don't be slow
Cause you know
That on the radio
That's Cremona

D
What a kerfuffle
(Not a soft shoe shuffle)
The crew are stranded at Douz
They've no fuel to fly on
So they must rely on
Douglas to find some to use

E
Mr Birling's coming today
Mr Birling's coming - hooray!
Maybe he'll give us lots of money
So long as he doesn't drink too much whisky

F
Martin has got his hat on
But why I couldn't say
Martin has got his hat on
Though we're in Fitton today
It suits him very nicely
And is handy you see
The passengers are happy
When the captain's hat they see

G
Sleepy - a dwarf, a ti-red dwarf
Dopey - a dwarf who's not too bright
Happy - a dwarf who always smiles
Grumpy - a dwarf not feeling right
Sneezy - a dwarf with hayfever
Bashful - a dwarf who's oh so shy
Doc - a dwarf who leads them all
Which brings us to Snow White!

H
My sister's decided it
She won't be denied it
And to Helsinki we'll go
The risks Doug’s been taking
The cake Art's been baking
Are sure to cause quite a show

I
The crew put their hoods on and went in to find
A dummy that's called Adrian
But Martin got dizzy because Arthur's silly
So both were pulled out again

J
Thou shalt have a fishie on a little dishie
Thou shalt have a fishie when the plane is gone
Cause Douglas' new trick made a large sugar brick
And now he has served it - cooked not overdone

K
Douglas had a secret bar
That young Martin found
He was going to tell but
They liked him around
He nearly blew the whistle
On them all but then
Douglas saved the day
And Carolyn came back again

L (or as they say in Limerick)
They're flying in Gerti today
The cargo is safer this way
F is not Tango
Doug wants to fly low
And Arthur is guessing away

M
Get dressed you merry gentleman
There's plenty to dismay
Cause you must fly an aeroplane
For all of Christmas day
And Carolyn is coming too
Be careful what you say
Cause the Russian's called her a baboushka, baboushka
Yes the Russian's called her a baboushka

N
Herc & Linda hitched a free ride
Martin's excitement he could not hide
To ask for a job or ask for a date
He chose work but didn't change his fate

O
Douglas, Douglas, captain's hat-less
How do you fair this day?
I said I would go
And move a piano
But the keys have now gone away

P
Mrs Knapp-Shappey
Was perfectly happy
To buy whisky for Birling
But up in the air
There's no whisky there
Cause Doug always has to win

Q
Nancy Dean-Liebhart’s hitching a lift
Of Douglas’ game she soon gets the drift
Martin hopes she’ll think he’s the best
But to do so a lemon he needs to divest

R
Big Martin, Little Martin
Douglas vs Herc
Dressed in a life jacket
Showing how it works

S
If I had an airplane
And it wouldn't fly
Do you think I'd sell it
By and by
I'd put it in a hangar
For my ex to see
Then when he had fixed it
I'd take it back with me

T
It's Birling Day today
But aboard they must stray
Cos he's fallen out with his wife
There's no camels nearby
And Arthur just can't lie
Which causes all sorts of strife

U
Bought a dead sheep
For my Herc's birthday
But the cabs send us away
So Martin climbed up a tree
Before he found he was now
Goose 23

V
I had a cadet medal
A Millennium Star
Douglas thought it funny
But I had the last laugh
The King of Vaduz' sister
Said she'd like to see
Around Duxford Air Museum
With my star and me

W
Martin's mum or Mrs Skip
To hospital took a trip
Mart & Cat came to see her
Which confused the poor doctor
Simon then appeared at last
Scaring all with his moustache

X
The crew are stuck in Xinzhou because of Art's snowman
They thought it would help them - it was a cunning plan
But then they were grounded and must stay on board
Carolyn's just wants to sleep but Doug is getting bored
Doug wants to play a new game
For Arthur it's too fast
So he thinks up his own one
But finds it doesn't last
Martin works out a new rule
To help the game along
And eventually Carolyn will join in with the song

Y
Martin had an interview
About it he did stress
And Doug found out with Herc about
Arthur's soon in distress

Minister of the House - Newsreview

Today another excerpt from my Newsreview collection - songs and sketches I wrote and submitted to Newsrevue at the Canal Café Theatre in London. This one went through several redrafts - initially it referred to David Cameron - was created shortly after Nick Clegg attempted to reconnect with the British public with a heartfelt apology and presumably around the time Les Mis was in vogue.

Master Minister of the House from Les Miserables
Thenardier (Clegg):
Welcome to all, come do sit down
I am the best deputy in town
Can't trust the rest, they're all just crooks:
Selling their votes and fiddling the books
But here you can see
Someone such as me
Honest and do my best
You impressed? You will be.
Minister of the house, doing no-one harm
Wherever Cam'ron goes I'll stay on his arm
Formed a coalition, plan to take a stand
Voters will appreciate a helping hand
Glad to do PM a favour
Although it might make you moan
I can't control the gov'ment
But neither can Cameron on his own!
Minister of the house, Liberal Democrat
Working for the public but I'm just a ?
Help to change the rules, for the good of state
'pologisin' publically will set things straight
Oh how I do love Cameron
I am his most loyal friend
I do whatever he wants
And I will stick with him to the end!/And for him over I'll bend!

Drinkers (Voters):
Minister of the house, avoiding your eye
Lets so many redeem chances pass him by
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great
Coward and class traitor, he is no-one's mate!
Cameron's boon companion
Cameron's chaperone

Thenardier (Cameron):
Of course your can trust me
I am honourable to the bone!
Good day good sir, how do you do
Let me explain, just how I got through
Aimed to assist, the workers today
But instead I will help make them pay
Here we make the rules
However we decide
No payment's overlooked
And you're pension's fried
Men beyond compare. Men beyond belief
Say they're for the people when they're just a thief
Don't care one fig for (the) proletariat
Indulge in a scandal when one drops a hat
But you see I am not like them
I am more covert and snide
Help to pass the laws and
Ignore their new extras on the side!
Charge 'em for working, extra for shirking
Cos the people's wage packets are for plucking
Think you won't notice a benefit cut
Say I'm here to help you but my door is shut
When it comes to screwing voters
There are lots of tricks we knows
Watch your wealth decreasing, how we enjoy fleecing
Sorry - that is just the way it goes!

Chorus (Voters):
Minister of the house, cause of our poor plight
Thinks a remixed sorry speech will make it right
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great
Coward and class traitor, he is no-one's mate!
Cameron's boon companion
Gives him everything he's got

Thenardier (Cameron):
Swore to help the people
But I have to work with what I've got!

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
I used to think that we had found a prince
But don't you worry, I have learnt my lesson since
Minister of the house. Trust him far as spit!
Democrat and liberal - what a load of shit!
S'posed to help us out, make all our lives fair
Thinks he's so popular but he's screwed up there
What did we do to deserve this pathetic and sniv'lling mouse
Tell me how he helps us working with the bastard of the house!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
Minister of the house!

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Minister? Maybe half!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
'Comforter, philosopher'

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Don't make me laugh!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Hypocrite and toady and invertebrate!

Drinkers (Voters):
Shall we raise a glass to Cameron?
And the deputy of the house?

Thenardier (Cameron):
May I ask you raise your glass

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Raise it up the minister's arse!

All:

Everybody raise a glass to the Minister of the House!

The Presidents Song - Horrific Histories

A return to my Horrific Histories collection now (a selection of songs that I created it for Horrible Histories but never actually submitted).
A well-known (& I think popular) song from that series is the English Kings & Queens Song which cleverly fits in all the rulers of England from William I and Elizabeth. And I started to wonder whether you could do the same with the US Presidents...

The English Kings & Queens Presidents Song not by Horrible Histories

I'm Washington, my first name’s George
A true Virginian
A Founder of the USA
And the Constitution

A soldier and Republican
I set all my slaves free
Opposed to a dictatorship

But enough about me

To help remember presidents
I've come up with this song
A simple rhyming ditty
For you all to sing along

Oh, Washington
(Bit short innit? We need more names. Who came next?)

John Adams, founding father
Lived to reach his ninetieth year
I took over, Jefferson
Also a friend of Washington

Then James Madison, & Monroe
Also called James, so now you know
John Quincy Adams? He’s six
Andrew Jackson called ‘Old Hick’

Martin Van Buren, and not forgotten
The shortest rule of William Harrison

Washington, Adams, Jeff’son, Madison
Monroe, Adams, Jack-son!
Van Buren and Harrison
And now on with this song

Tyler next both sides he vexed
James Polk he did great
Taylor holds third shortest rule
Fillimore lots did hate

From Polk’s party came Franklin Pierce
Who enjoyed his drinkin’
James Buchanan and then who else
But Abraham Lincoln

When he was gone, we got Johnson
Then came Grant or Ulysees
Garfield’s twenty and next you’ll see
Mr Rutherford Hayes

Then Chester A. Arthur
Grover Cleveland’s a pain
Cause after Harrison we have
Grover Cleveland again

That’s right he had, two full terms
But they were not together
This shouldn’t be a big problem but
It spoils the numbers
But so what, much more we’ve got
Including McKinley
Now we’re up to 25 with
So much more to see

Washington, Adams, Jeff’son, Madison
Monroe, Adams, Jack-son!
(Van) Buren, Harr’son, Tyler, Polk
Taylor, Fillimore, Pierce, Buch
Lincoln, Johnson, Grant and Hayes
Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland’s one
Harrison, Cleveland’s two
McKinley and now on

Roosevelt was president next
And why we name bears Ted
When William Taft, lost power he
Was Chief Justice instead
Then war did come, yes World War One
Wilson led us through this
Harding was grim and after him
Coolidge who we don’t miss

He helped enforce, the drinking laws
Hoover fought the depression
Wall Street crashed, there’s no more cash
But did we learn our lesson?

Washington, Adams, Jeff’son, Madison
Monroe, Adams, Jack-son!
(Van) Buren, Harr’son, Tyler, Polk
Taylor, Fillimore, Pierce, Buch
Lincoln, Johnson, Grant and Hayes
Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland’s one
Harrison, Cleveland’s two
(Mc)Kinley, Roosevelt, Taft and then
Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover
More to come, it's still not over

And so began the World War Two gang
Roosevelt and Truman
Then Eisenhower soon rose to power
Cause peace was on his plan

John Kennedy died in 6 3
When shot by, an assassin
Lyndon Johnson  took on from him
Then we see the rot set in (bang on)

President Nixon was vilified (in print)
And stepped down from the presidency
Ford took the role, a long-lived soul
And Jimmy Carter’s next you see

Washington, Adams, Jeff’son, Madison
Monroe, Adams, Jack-son!
(Van) Buren, Harr’son, Tyler, Polk
Taylor, Fillimore, Pierce, Buch
Lincoln, Johnson, Grant and Hayes
Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland’s one
Harrison, Cleveland’s two
(Mc)Kinley, Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson
Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt

Truman, Ike, Kennedy, Johnson
Carter, Ford, Nixon
(No) Nix(on), Ford, Carter, Nix(on), Ford, Carter

(We’re into nineteen eighties, you know.)

Reagan & Bush
Clinton & Bush
Obama and Trump now
And so our US presidents
Are brought right up to now, oh

Washington, Adams, Jeff’son, Madison
Monroe, Adams, Jack-son!
(Van) Buren, Harr’son, Tyler, Polk
Taylor, Fillimore, Pierce, Buch
Lincoln, Johnson, Grant and Hayes
Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland’s one
Harrison, Cleveland’s two
(Mc)Kinley, Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson
Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt

Truman, Ike, Kennedy, Johnson (lord!)
Nixon, Carter, Ford,
Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush 2
Obama and with Trump we’re through

That's all the US presidents
Since Washington formed the government!

We're All In This Together - Newsreview

Another entry from my Newsreview collection of songs and sketches I wrote and submitted to Newsrevue at the Canal Café Theatre in London. This one was penned in honour of George Osborne's infamous quote that "we're all in this together".

Paul McCartney's We All Stand We're All In This Together

Tax cuts for wealthy men

But the public face poverty again

Yet we hear (George) Osbourne say

We’re all in this together

Wants to sell (the) NHS

This is an idea we cannot digest

But of course, as he says

We’re all in this together

Aaaaaaaggggghhhh

And yet it’s strange ‘cause you see
Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
MPs cost more

(Than) benefit fraud

Welfare cuts (for) me and you

Yet somehow MP expenses get through

Unemployment up, retirement age too

We’re all in this together

Waaaaaaahh

How can this all be alright?
Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
Work to survive

All of our life

Supposed to be (a) coalition
How did we get into this position?
Young and old, rich and poor
“We’re all in this together”

Instrumental chorus

Instrumental verse

We’re all in this together!

Flowery Language - 'Red Hot Poker'

There are several plants and flowers that have interesting ‘common’ names or nicknames. My 'Flowery Language' series looks at certain misunderstandings which could result from these.
For example, Kniphofia is also known as 'Red Hot Poker'. Edward II was killed with a red hot poker...

Caption time 1 - The Accolade

It's Monday! Time for a caption to hopefully brighten your week.
My title amongst my friends is ‘Caption Queen’ due to the excessive number of captions I produce of the various photos and pictures I find.
 
Today's target is 'The Accolade' by Edmund Blair Leighton: