The One That Got Away - !!!NEW!!!

Bit of a stretch of the imagination this one - imagine Commodore Norrington is Katy Perry.

The One That Got Away not by Katy Perry

Sailing round Port Royal, on my own ship
About to be promoted – was such a trip
And after the cer’mony, I’d propose to Liz Swann

Knew my star was on the rise now – oh, that was so true
Made Commodore - was nothing I could not do
Didn’t plan that that day I'd be facing you

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

You saved my love’s life – but that ploy fell flat
Stole a ship and fled - just how did you do that?
Once we beat Barbossa, to trial I brought you back, yeah

I let you escape when Will turned on me
Sure that soon after caught you’d be
But soon found out that was not to be my destiny

With another…

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one, the one, the one
The one that got away

All this glory can't help me in my revenge, no
Can't capture you with a million men, no
Never could have guessed what you’d do to me, whoa
You made me dance your dance

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, I’d succeed in my plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one (the one)
The one (the one)
The one (the one)

With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

From The Mind of Merc - UK Politics

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the state of UK politics. This would take way to long to discuss so I thought I'd sum it up with a cartoon that's been buzzing round my head for a while now:

And a topical post for my 500th blog entry - who'd have thunk it?

(Han) Solo - !!!NEW!!!

Can't believe I didn't think of this one before - it's obvious really.
 
Han Solo – Solo
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
 
I never meant to lead the rebels
Just had to get us out of trouble
Couldn’t fail (Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy)
 
It seems Vader didn’t like my toils
Think he’s got a thing against royals
Put me in jail (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
 
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know 


You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
 
Every single time I saw you
Really couldn’t even stand you – nerf herder (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Oh, no, no
Tried to stop myself from feeling
But not long after that I was reeling – true lover (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
I love Han Solo
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
'Cause you're my Han Solo

Tiggywinkle sketch - Mercorabilia

Taking a leaf out of one of my favourite sketch writers book today and putting simple twist on a classic.
(I wrote two versions of this sketch - I may share the other one at a later date) but in the end decided this was my favourite.)


Customer: Excuse me.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear?
Customer: Are you Mrs. Tiggywinkle?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear. How can I help you?
Customer: I have a complaint.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: Yes. It’s about this shirt I gave you. See?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: What about it, dear?
Customer: Well, look at it! It’s covered in puncture marks.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: And this bit here looks like someone’s been nibbling at it.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: So it does.
Customer: And what is this?!? It looks like sh-
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Well, what do you expect when you ask a hedgehog to do your laundry for you?
Customer: Well, it’s not good enough. What are you are you going to do about it?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Erm… sorry – we’re closed (curls up into a ball)
Customer: Come out of there!
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (muffled) Sorry, dear – I can’t hear you.
Customer: I said come out. Or I’ll report you to Trading Standards
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (hurriedly unrolling) You wouldn’t do that, dear.
Customer: Oh yes, I would.
Mrs. Tiggywinkle: Well, I suppose it probably wouldn’t matter if you did. I’ve been thinking about giving it all up anyway – the laundry business. I thought I might try my hand at veterinary care.
Customer: Really?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes. Do you think I’d be any good?
Customer: Well, you couldn’t do much worse than you did at laundry
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (brightly) Thank you
Customer: That wasn’t a compliment
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (dejectedly) I know

From The Mind of Merc - The Power of Perception

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics ad occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I thought I'd share an oldie but a goodie which is a perfect demonstration of the power of perception:

This image doesn't look particularly odd.

There's a part of your brain that can probably tell something's off but it's not until the image is rotated 180 degrees that you realise by just how much.

This is because your very clever brain attempts to correct the inverted image - that's the power of your perception!

Tailgating sketch - Mercorabilia

Lack of internet after moving house and a short month have meant February's posts have all got bunched up at the end.
Oh well, here's a sketch I've been saving - hope you feel it was worth the wait.



Mr Gold: Come in HQ. Golf Tango calling HQ. (speaking in muffled voice) HQ here – over. (in normal voice) I’ve got a bogey on my tail. It’s a grey Vauxhall Astra – could be trouble, over. (speaking in muffled voice) Roger Golf Tango, can you shake him? Over. (in normal voice) Hold on, HQ – approaching a bend. *sound of screeching* (muffled voice) Golf Tango report – over. (in normal voice) Negative HQ – he’s still with me. Please advise…
Mrs Gold: What are you doing?
Mr Gold: What?
Mrs Gold: I said what are you doing?
Mr Gold: Well, I was just pretending, you know.
Mrs Gold: Pretending what?
Mr Gold: *clears throat* Well, there’s… there’s a car behind us and I, uh, I thought it could be cool if he was following us and we had to evade him – (sounding excited) as if we were on some top secret spy mission.
Mrs Gold: John, we are in a Ford Fiesta. I hardly think top secret spies go on missions or attempt to evade possible tails in a K reg hatchback!
Mr Gold: Well…
Mrs Gold: What’s more you are not a child – you are my husband and you are 35/41 years old. Don’t you think the time for pretending might be over by now?
Mr Gold: Yes, dear.
Mrs Gold: Right. Now let’s have no more of this.
<pause>
Mr Gold: *humming mission impossible theme under his breath*
Mrs Gold: John!
Mr Gold: What?
Mrs Gold: Will, you stop looking at your wing mirror!
Mr Gold: Well, I have to check my mirror, dear – it’s the law.
Mrs Gold: Yes, but that means checking it once or twice when making a manoeuvre - not every 5 seconds while driving along a straight road.
Mr Gold: Ok… But he is still behind us, dear.
Mrs Gold: I don’t care if he’s behind us, beside us or on top of us. He is not going to be interested in what we’re doing and his every move does not need to remarked upon in a running commentary. Understood?
Mr Gold: Yes, dear.
*binging sound*
Mr Gold: Oh – we’re almost out of petrol. I’ll just pull in here, dear, and get some more. (pulls into petrol station and gets out humming)
(As the sound fades the wife speaks hurriedly under her breath.)
Mrs Gold: Come in, Alpha Wolf, over.
Alpha Wolf: Alpha Wolf here, over.
Mrs Gold: Pull back – you’re getting to close to the target and we don’t want to make him nervous.
Alpha Wolf: Roger. Do you think he’s on to us?
Mrs Gold: No, don’t worry – I don’t think he suspects a thing.

That's Nothing Like A Vote on Brexit - !!!NEW!!!

Been debating about posting this for a while but in the end decided what the heck.

There’s Nothing Like A Show On Broadway That’s Nothing Like A Vote On Brexit not from The Producers

LEO:
The referendum’s over
The people’s poll is cast
Hooray for democracy
(Huh! How long will that last)

You're waiting for the score
This really is a bore
Surely it’s obvious?
Then your chin hits the floor

But that was
Nothing like a vote on Brexit
Nothing like a Brexit vote
Voters were deceived on Brexit

If you're feeling blue       
I'm telling you       
It really gets my goat       

MP’s lie, the people sigh
Can’t take any more
This can’t be true, (But) what can you do,

The people’s word is law.   

But that was
Nothing like a vote on Brexit
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
Some people say
The EU’s had its day
The Leavers repeat it en masse

But their motive is flawed
It's not above board   
It’s all about cov’ring their ass.

MPs want to be rich               
It’s all that they live for               
Who cares bout people who unlike them are poor       
Got it in their head that we could be led               

But by letting this run they opened up the door

The facts were f*cked
That bus just sucked
The campaign broke all laws   
And now it’s done you realise
They helped the racist cause

LEO:
That’s why
That’s nothing like a vote on Brexit.

LEO AND MAX:
That's nothing like a Brexit vote.

MAX;
You swore you'd never let it pass.
It simply is not the way

LEO:
You made that vow
and then somehow

LEO AND MAX:
Did not vote on the day.

That's why that’s
Nothing like a vote on Brexit

LEO:
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
Not leg’ly binding

LEO:
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
And though they won’t repeat it as they know their lies won’t float   

LEO AND MAX;
That’s nothing...
Like a Brexit vote!

From The Mind of Merc - Cat Contemplations

Today's thought is very deep, veru intense and almost inscrutable. It is this:

Caller ID sketch - Mercorabilia

I went to a recording of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme on Friday and, as before, it inspired me to write a new sketch.

<ringing>

<beep as phone is answered>

Ben: Hi Fleur.

Bill: Er... no - it's not Fleur, actually. It's Bill.

Ben: <nervous laugh> No, it's not.

Bill: Yes, it is.

Ben: But it says Fleur on my phone.

Bill: Well, you can clearly tell it's not Fleur.

Ben: But on my Caller ID - you know, the ID that tells me who's calling - it says Fleur.

Bill: Yes, it would - that's because I'm using her phone.

Ben: You can't do that.

Bill: What?

Ben: You can't do that. It's... it's not allowed.

Bill: Why not?

Ben: Because... it's against the law of physics.

Bill: It's what?

Ben: Well, think about it - the Caller ID function was specifically designed to alleviate the constant trepidation experienced by those receiving unknown phone calls who, for years, were faced with the quandary of not knowing who the caller was until they picked up the receiver - finally alleviated with the scientific breakthrough of Caller ID that allowed you to know who was calling before you answered. Until someone comes along who negates that very concept by using a phone that doesn't belong to them and forces the phone to falsify its information thus denying its sole purpose and raison d'etre, questioning its very existence and doing untold damage to the structure of the universe as we know it!

Bill: So what can we do?

Ben: You could ring me back on your phone.

Bill: But I'm already speaking to you on this phone.

Ben: Well, I suppose if you could somehow change the wording of my Caller ID so that instead of saying 'Fleur Calling' it says 'Fleur - actually Bill'.

Bill: But I can't do that - it's the setting on your phone.

Ben: Oh well, in that case, I guess the only thing to be done is for you to ring me back on your phone.

Bill: Fine.

<click>

Ben: Finally.

<ringing>

Ben: Hi Bill. How lovely to hear from you - so unexpected.

Bill: <unimpressed> Isn't it just.

Ben: What can I do for you?

Bill: I just wanted to say... Fleur wants to speak to you.

The Republican - !!!NEW!!!

Happy New Year! And we start 2019 with another song inspired by a mix-up of lyrics coming to mind.

The Hippopotamus The Republican not by Flanders and Swann
A fat old Republican was standing one day
Resenting the new feminist rise
He grabbed at a bottom that was walking away
And cursed his small hands for their size
Said I can do better at running this lot
I’m so good at business, it’s true
That old Republican thought ‘I’ll win, know I can’
But no-one else thought he’d get through*

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

The fat old Republican with power in his sights
With no need to ask others for funds
He’d dispose of healthcare and of course women’s rights
But would not get rid of those guns
The whole world it rose up in angry revolt
And they begged for all the Yanks to see
This great ignoramus so keen to be famous
With no sign of ability

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

Though now he’s inducted, it’s not over yet
It’s up to all of us now to show
Though a loophole allowed  him the white house to get
He’s not the one we want there - oh no!
Don’t agree with pol’cies of hatred and greed 
Or letting all the Russians take rein
So gather an army against Mr Smarmy
And don’t let him get in again 

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

*Alternate verse ending:
Said I can do better at running this lot
A black president is a farce
That old Republican thought ‘I’ll win, know I can’
And now we’re all stuck with this a-!