His Dark Materials Advent Calendar – 27

 Door number 27:

(Han) Solo - !!!NEW!!!

Can't believe I didn't think of this one before - it's obvious really.
 
Han Solo – Solo
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
 
I never meant to lead the rebels
Just had to get us out of trouble
Couldn’t fail (Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy)
 
It seems Vader didn’t like my toils
Think he’s got a thing against royals
Put me in jail (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
 
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know 


You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
 
Every single time I saw you
Really couldn’t even stand you – nerf herder (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Oh, no, no
Tried to stop myself from feeling
But not long after that I was reeling – true lover (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
I love Han Solo
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
'Cause you're my Han Solo

Stormtrooper sketch - Mercorabilia

(Meant to post this yesterday but twas my birthday so got a bit distracted)
It's Star Wars Day! (Well, it was) So I thought I'd post this recent creation. It's inspired by the brilliant Mitchell & Webb Nazis sketch (more commonly referred to as the 'Are We The Baddies?' sketch). Basically I figured that this was a conversation that 2 of Darth Vader's Stormtroopers could easily have - if you changed a few words around...

Stormtrooper #1: Very well. They’re coming. Now we’ll see how these Rebels deal with a crack Imperial division.
Stormtrooper #2: Er, Dave.

Stormtrooper #1: Have courage, my friend.

Stormtrooper #2: Yeah. Er, Dave, I’ve just noticed something.

Stormtrooper #1: These rebels are all cowards.

Stormtrooper #2: Have you thought about our ship recently?

Stormtrooper #1: Our ship?

Stormtrooper #2: The name of our ship. Have you thought about it?

Stormtrooper #1: What? No. A bit.

Stormtrooper #2: It’s called the Death Star. Have you noticed that our ship has actually got the word Death in its title?

Stormtrooper #1: I – I don’t, er…

Stormtrooper #2: Dave, are we the baddies?

Stormtrooper #1: No…. I shouldn’t have thought so… I mean…

Stormtrooper #2: Why Death though?

Stormtrooper #1: What?

Stormtrooper #2: Why Death?

Stormtrooper #1: Well, maybe it’s the death of our enemies.

Stormtrooper #2: Maybe. But is that how it comes across? I mean, it doesn’t say next to the name, you know, yeah - it says Death but it’s our enemies not ours.

Stormtrooper #1: Well, no, but…

Stormtrooper #2: I mean, what does Death make you think of? Pain, misery, suffering, er, graveyards?

Stormtrooper #1: Graveyards are peaceful!

Stormtrooper #2: But they’re not exactly good, are they? Peaceful or not graveyards are still not where you want to be. I just can’t think of anything good about being in a ship called Death.

Stormtrooper #1: What about the Star bit?

Stormtrooper #2: Even that is usually a lot better when it doesn’t have Death in front of it. Whereas the rebels…

Stormtrooper #1: Oh you haven’t been listening to Rebel propaganda. Of course they’re going to say we’re the bad guys.

Stormtrooper #2: But they didn’t get to design our flagship. I mean their ships have all, you know, quite nice names – millennium, falcon, starfighter…

Stormtrooper #1: What’s so good about a starfighter?

Stormtrooper #2: Well, nothing. But it’s not particularly brilliant if you happen to be on board a ship called a Death STAR.

Stormtrooper #1: Good point.

Stormtrooper #2: But you’ve got to say it’s better than Death. I mean, I really can’t think of anything worse as a name than Death.

Stormtrooper #1: How about Hell?

Stormtrooper #2: Yeah. And if we were fighting an army flying in a ship called The Hell Pit I’d probably be a lot less worried, Dave.

Stormtrooper #1: Ok. So…

<quickly run away> 

The original version of this sketch can be found here.