Stranger Things Advent Calendar - 11

Door number 11:

 

Bojo's Christmas Carol - Mercorabilia

It seems even a near death experience isn’t enough to change the Prime Minister’s perception of a job poorly done. You have to wonder how Dickens’s infamous story would have turned out had it been Boris instead of Scrooge who was subject to the 3 visits. 

(For the sake of sketch format this is massively abbreviated.)

<Bojo sits at his desk, writing>

Bojo: Right. I think that’s my secret COVID response plan all drawn up. I’ll just check it one more time. Ignore the experts, open the schools to test the restriction removal on children, blame the resulting surge in cases on the doctors and teachers for not working hard enough. That should do it. Well, time for bed.
<Gets into bed and lies down>

Ghost of Christmas Past (GOCP): Wooooooo.

Bojo: Who’s there? Who is it?

GOCP: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Bojo: You look like Theresa May.

GOCP: Yes, well I do impressions. Now do you remember this? 2004. You were caught out for having an extra-marital affair. And sacked from your job.

BoJo: Well, maybe. But I got away with it

GOCP: I guess that’s true.

Bojo: So, it’s alright then.

GOCP: What?!? No! No – of course it’s not alright, you-

Bojo: Thanks. Bye!

<Bojo lies down again>

GOCP: Oh, I give up. (To next ghost) Your turn.

Ghost of Christmas Present (GOCP2): *ahem* Wooooo. Woooooo!

Bojo: What? Who’s that?

GOCP2: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Bojo: I see. What do you want?

GOCP2: To show you how terrible things are. And it’s all down to you!

Bojo: I don’t think so. I think you’ll find…

GOCP2: Hush! Look! Families destroyed through loss. Chaos of panic buying. The second worse death rate in the world!

BoJo: Yes, but I got away with it.

GOCP2: Well, yes. But at what cost? The people who’ve died unnecessarily, the key workers who received no support, the country massively crippled for want of decisive action.

BoJo: But I got away with it.

GOCP2: I suppose so.

Bojo: Result! Good night.

<Bojo lies down again>

GOCP2: (To next ghost) Good luck

Ghost of Christmas Future (GOCF): Bojooooo. Bojoooo.

Bojo: Who’s that? Why are you doing an impression of a letterbox?

GOCF: Enough! This is not a burka! It’s is my ethereal cloak.

Bojo: If you say so.

GOCF: Silence! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future and I bring you this terrible vision.

Bojo: I see – a gravestone with my name on it. So I die.

GOCF: Yes.

Bojo: As do we all.

GOCF: Well, yes.

Bojo: Did I die rich?

GOCF: …Maybe.

Bojo: And powerful?

GOCF: Umm…

Bojo: And famous?

GOCF: But was it for the right reasons?

Bojo: Who cares! I won! In your face, destiny!

GOCF: (leaving) Unbelievable.

<Bojo wakes up and goes to the window to open it>

Bojo: You there, boy! What day, is it?

Boy: Time you sorted out the COV-ID crisis?

Bojo: Don’t get smart with me or I’ll cut your mum’s benefits. What day is it?

Boy: <sigh> Christmas day.

Bojo: Excellent. I want you to go to the nearby butchers, buy the biggest turkey you can find and bring it back.

Boy: What did your last slave die of?

Bojo: Coronavirus. Now off you go. And when you come back I’ll give your reward.

Boy: Reward! You’re on.

<Boy disappears and reappears with a large turkey>

Boy: Here it is. Now what’s my reward?

Bojo: The satisfaction of a job well done. Bye!

Boy: Tory tw*t. Glad I spat in it.

Grigor Rasputin - !!!NEW!!!

Getting close to Christmas so here's a Christmassy parody... of sorts. Well, it's inspired by the Muppet Christmas Carol but it's subject is a lot less Christmassy

Ebenezer Scrooge Grigor Rasputin not by The Muppets

A cold winter in Russia
(Can) freeze you to the bone
But that didn’t stop this young
charismatic monk
(From) making a grab for the throne
He thought if he got close to the
Tsarina he would rule
But he didn’t think of
Felix Yusupov
And his Russian noble friends (oh)
Resolute to class
They won’t let it pass
They will make sure his life ends

Oh, what’s happened to Rasputin
What have they done to him
They gave him poisoned wine to drink

He didn’t feel its sting

They fed him poisoned cupcakes too

And gaped as it did nothing

They tried then to shoot him down

But this didn’t work on him

What’s happened to Rasputin
What have they done to him
After he had been shot down then
He was soundly beaten
Even after all of this
He seemed to yet linger on
(Was) Tied up and thrown in a river
To ensure that he was gone

He’d wanted to be rich
He’d wanted some power
But his uncouth ways
Meant that this soon turned sour
He came to the aid of poor young Alexi
You’d think that this selfless feat
would save his life-
Naaaah! uh-uh

What’s happened to Rasputin
What have they done to him
He had the Tsar under his thumb
Who depended on him
He attracted women who flocked ea-

gerly to his steeple
No question of his credentials
No hope for all those people
 

What’s happened to Rasputin
What have they done to him
Didn’t survive
That fateful night
They meant to do him in
Gained the fame he’d craved but did not

look where he did tread
And now at last he’s paid the price
'Cause Rasputin is dead

(Yes) Nowaday
In every way
Rasputin is dead