Bojo's Christmas Carol - Mercorabilia

It seems even a near death experience isn’t enough to change the Prime Minister’s perception of a job poorly done. You have to wonder how Dickens’s infamous story would have turned out had it been Boris instead of Scrooge who was subject to the 3 visits. 

(For the sake of sketch format this is massively abbreviated.)

<Bojo sits at his desk, writing>

Bojo: Right. I think that’s my secret COVID response plan all drawn up. I’ll just check it one more time. Ignore the experts, open the schools to test the restriction removal on children, blame the resulting surge in cases on the doctors and teachers for not working hard enough. That should do it. Well, time for bed.
<Gets into bed and lies down>

Ghost of Christmas Past (GOCP): Wooooooo.

Bojo: Who’s there? Who is it?

GOCP: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Bojo: You look like Theresa May.

GOCP: Yes, well I do impressions. Now do you remember this? 2004. You were caught out for having an extra-marital affair. And sacked from your job.

BoJo: Well, maybe. But I got away with it

GOCP: I guess that’s true.

Bojo: So, it’s alright then.

GOCP: What?!? No! No – of course it’s not alright, you-

Bojo: Thanks. Bye!

<Bojo lies down again>

GOCP: Oh, I give up. (To next ghost) Your turn.

Ghost of Christmas Present (GOCP2): *ahem* Wooooo. Woooooo!

Bojo: What? Who’s that?

GOCP2: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Bojo: I see. What do you want?

GOCP2: To show you how terrible things are. And it’s all down to you!

Bojo: I don’t think so. I think you’ll find…

GOCP2: Hush! Look! Families destroyed through loss. Chaos of panic buying. The second worse death rate in the world!

BoJo: Yes, but I got away with it.

GOCP2: Well, yes. But at what cost? The people who’ve died unnecessarily, the key workers who received no support, the country massively crippled for want of decisive action.

BoJo: But I got away with it.

GOCP2: I suppose so.

Bojo: Result! Good night.

<Bojo lies down again>

GOCP2: (To next ghost) Good luck

Ghost of Christmas Future (GOCF): Bojooooo. Bojoooo.

Bojo: Who’s that? Why are you doing an impression of a letterbox?

GOCF: Enough! This is not a burka! It’s is my ethereal cloak.

Bojo: If you say so.

GOCF: Silence! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future and I bring you this terrible vision.

Bojo: I see – a gravestone with my name on it. So I die.

GOCF: Yes.

Bojo: As do we all.

GOCF: Well, yes.

Bojo: Did I die rich?

GOCF: …Maybe.

Bojo: And powerful?

GOCF: Umm…

Bojo: And famous?

GOCF: But was it for the right reasons?

Bojo: Who cares! I won! In your face, destiny!

GOCF: (leaving) Unbelievable.

<Bojo wakes up and goes to the window to open it>

Bojo: You there, boy! What day, is it?

Boy: Time you sorted out the COV-ID crisis?

Bojo: Don’t get smart with me or I’ll cut your mum’s benefits. What day is it?

Boy: <sigh> Christmas day.

Bojo: Excellent. I want you to go to the nearby butchers, buy the biggest turkey you can find and bring it back.

Boy: What did your last slave die of?

Bojo: Coronavirus. Now off you go. And when you come back I’ll give your reward.

Boy: Reward! You’re on.

<Boy disappears and reappears with a large turkey>

Boy: Here it is. Now what’s my reward?

Bojo: The satisfaction of a job well done. Bye!

Boy: Tory tw*t. Glad I spat in it.

Boris Churchill - Mercorabilia

A twist on my speech-wrecker speech today.
I read an article recently that said that, in times like this, what we need is clarity - and that's exactly what we're not getting. Which is completely true. So I thought I'd parody Winston Churchill's famous 'Fight Them On The Beaches' speech as the crucial part might have sounded had Boris 'King of Vagueness' Johnson given it.

Fight Them On The Beaches? not by Winston Churchill

We shall go on… er… possibly to the end… or maybe even further. 

We shall fight in France, or on the seas or the oceans. 

We shall fight with growing confidence and growing alertness in the open air. 

We shall defend this land, our island, whatever the cost may be – within reason, of course. 

We shall fight on the beaches, or on the landing grounds, or possibly in the fields or the streets - we could even fight in the hills. 

But we won’t give up whatever happens. So stiff upper lip and best of British.

From The Mind of Merc - Common Sense

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I thought I'd keep it simple:

STAY HOME

STAY SAFE!