From The Mind of Merc - Misheard Lyrics

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about misheard lyrics.
A friend of mine recently pointed me towards Peter Kay’s skit on misheard lyrics and the resulting effect it can have on attempts at karaoke. If you haven’t seen it, you can find it here.
 
I have a few to add:
 
1) Will Young’s Jealousy – try as I might I cannot listen to this without hearing “And it feels like Chelsea... And it feels like Ivory....”
 
2) Surely the theme from Top Gun is called “Take Off With The Wind” (or maybe “Take Off From Nowhere”) rather than it’s actual title of “Take My Breath Away”
 
3) I think Leona Lewis is a lot more explicit than people realise – why else would the lyrics to her song ‘Collide’ include the line “Cry sh*t to me” (also why is she on about a “Weekend Climb”?)
 
4) OneRepublic’s Love Runs Out – I actually got this one wrong twice. I thought the line was “I’ll be reeling” but sounded like “I’m Vera Lynn”. Turns out it’s “I’ll be running”

It could be that I just need to get better speakers but I now challenge you to try to listen to these songs without hearing these alternate lyrics. Enjoy!

Afternote: New one to add - I always thought JLS were singing that all that they do is to make you cry - which I thought was a pretty sadistic intention - turns out they're singing 'Proud'. Would probably have helped if I'd known the name of the song.

Speech-wrecker XI - Mercorabilia

A return to my speech-wrecking today and this time I’m looking at Severus Snape’s grand ‘Introduction to Potions’ oration from the first Harry Potter book.
I originally wrote this back in January but held it back following the death of the late, great Alan Rickman. So I would just like to clarify that I this is not directed at Mr Rickman – it is directed at Snape and his unpleasant attitude towards Harry at the start of the books.

"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class.” 
(So the majority of what magic is then.)
“As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making.” 
(Or to care, really)
“However, for those select few who possess the predisposition,”
(…of being in Slytherin)
“I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses.” 
(Should you be teaching kids to make Rohypnol?)
“I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory. And even put a stopper in death."  
(Great – so you know how to make poison. Because that’s a really special skill that absolutely nobody who’s non-magical can do. Also – brew glory? Are you saying glory’s alcoholic? Or can it be achieved with a nice cup of tea? If so, I'm very glorious.)

You Know When You've Been Plutoed - Mercorabilia

This was intended as a cartoon but, as my drawing skills fall drastically short of sufficient, you’ll have to make do with speech bubbles and picture the characters in your mind. As you'll probably be able to tell, it's based on the declassification of Pluto as planet.

Boromir's Microchip sketch - Mercorabilia

This is one of the first sketch ideas I had and, while it may need some work, it’s time it escaped my head and went down on paper.

Scene: A woman working away on a computer in an office.
Suddenly the computer freezes/crashes and possibly sparks. Initially exasperated by its freezing and then alarmed by the sparks, she hastens to call IT support:
Woman: Hello? This is Joanne Bloggs from the third floor. I’m afraid something’s happened to my computer. Could you come and fix it? Thanks.
After a pause, the sound of the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack is heard getting closer before the lift arrives with a meaningful chime. The doors open and 3 technicians enter dressed, respectively, as Aragorn, Boromir and Frodo. The Aragorn steps forward first.
Aragorn: Hello, love. I’m ‘Arry. Did you call someone from IT support?
Woman: (overcoming initial shock) Yes. It’s my computer. It’s…
They turn to look at the computer which is smoking gently
Aragorn: No worries, love. We’ll have this fixed in no time.
The technicians soon have the side of the tower off and the Aragorn and the Frodo are peering inside
Aragorn: Yeah, I think I can see the problem – one of the chips has burnt out. We’ll soon have that out. Here it comes. You ready, Fred?
Frodo: Yep.
A microchip pings out of the tower, over Fred’s head, to land on the floor.
Aragorn: Where did that go?
They look about them in bewilderment. The Boromir meanwhile has stooped to pick the chip from off the floor. He now looks at it in amazement while holding it between his thumb and forefinger.
Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt… over so small a thing. Such a little thing.
Aragorn: (stood staring at him) Barry, mate.
The Boromir starts
Aragorn: Give that thing to Fred.
Boromir: (holding out the chip) As you wish.
Fred grabs it.
Boromir: I care not.
The Boromir jokingly tousles Fred’s hair, turning to head back towards the lift.
The Aragorn turns to the woman.
Aragorn: Don’t mind him, love. Should all be fine now. See ya.
Woman stares dumbfounded as the 3 technicians head back over to the lift.
Aragorn: Lucky it wasn’t a two tower job.
They step into the lift and pose as the doors close and the music starts up as they descend.

Riding In A Whirlwind - !!!NEW!!!

(And now the trapped nerve in my neck has finally abated I can resume posting)
Following on the from the Katy Perry parody regarding Charles I, I had the idea for using another of her songs for the escapades of a young lass and her dog - only she's not Waking Up in Kansas

Waking Up In Vegas Riding in a whirlwind not by Katy Perry 
Where on earth now am I?
The colours are all so bright
We need a way home
'Cause we’re not in Kansas any more

Don’t know which way to go
Let’s go ask that old scarecrow
He looks unhappy
‘Cause he’s not so bright, you see
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind

Walking through some dark woods
Nothing that’s here is good,
Except this tin man,
Who desperately wants a heart
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind

Here comes a lion now
Worst trouble we’ve ever seen
Turns out that he’s not so mean
He’s just a scaredy cat.
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
She said, she said, she said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
That's what you get Toto, kill the west witch, kill, kill, kill the worst witch
Click both your heels now, girly
Click both your heels now, girly