From the Mind of Merc - Time

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Ironically, given the topic of my current musings I ran out of 'time' to fully develop what I was thinking (but I'll give it a go).

One thing that I find remarkable is the way in which human beings seem to possess the ability to make sense out of chaos.

Put on this teeny tiny planet in the middle of nowhere yet we create something called ‘civilisation’ – we make something out of nothing – we build homes and not only that but we work on developing these homes. We set up systems for measuring our existence in chunks of what we call time and we give them names – seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years.

However, the bureaucracy inherent in our self-imposed system seems determined to turn this against us to the effect that the results of our ingenious creations can increasingly be seen to be the enemy of common sense.

We have set up this ingenious idea of time but yet this is used in such a way that it affects our health or impacts on us in a negative way to the detriment of our own lives. It is imposed on us in a way that produces stress and has a negative effect on our health. We face deadlines, set timetables, give ultimatums, set time limits – basically confine and restrict ourselves to following a nerve-wracking, panic-inducing set of appointments and timings making us miserable, stressed, unfulfilled and generally failing to appreciate just how amazing we and life can actually be.

The only motivation in the way of time should be a sense of our own mortality – the need to accomplish our desired tasks or acquire our desired skills while we still are able – not deadlines enforced on us by contrived guidelines and particularly not by those who would not endure them themselves.

Life is for living – not for wasting or ‘enduring’ and ultimately the ludicrousness of this and the effect it has on our system can be most adequately expressed by the late, great Dave Allen:

“We live our life to the clock – you wake to the clock, you got to work to the clock, you clock into the clock, you clock out to the clock, you come home to the clock, you eat to the clock, you drink to the clock, you go to bed to the clock, you get up to the clock, you go back to work to the clock. You do that for 40 years of your life, you retire, what do they f---ing give you? A clock!”

Petrol Prices sketch - Newsreview

I've managed to find another sketch I wrote for, but didn't submit to, Newsjack.
(One of the reasons I didn't submit it the condensed format in which I would need to send it which I felt impacted the comedy)

Intro: Petrol prices continue to rise – if they keep going up, how long before we face a scenario like this?

Customer: Pump no. 4, please

Vendor: Very good, sir – if you’d just like to sign here.

Customer: What is it?

Vendor: A mortgage application form – standard issue on all petrol purchases these days

Customer: What are the terms?

Vendor: Simple guarantee - usual collateral

Customer: What’s this? Forfeit the right to two limbs?

Vendor: Yes sir – your standard ‘Arm and a leg’ clause. Or we’re offering a very good deal on our new ‘Slavery Agreement’

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol

Vendor: Yes, sir. I know, sir. And as soon as you’ve signed your life away on one these forms the sooner you’ll have it.

Customer: Oh very well. 

(sound of scribbling) 

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: A tip?

This in itself is a condensed version of the sketch - the original draft ended like this:

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol. I can’t afford this!

Vendor: Well, I suppose you could always hold me up.

Customer: Yes. Good idea – stick ‘em up your money or your-

(gunshot)

Customer: You shot me!

Vendor: Yes, sir – standard shoplifter practice if you’ll just look at this sign here.

Customer: Shoplifters will be … Well, what should I do now?

Vendor: Well, sir, the usual drill is to lie on the floor bleeding while awaiting the ambulance.

Customer: Yes, that sounds doable. Well, go on then - phone the ambulance.

Vendor: Yes, sir.

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: These phone calls don’t come cheap, sir. Do you think I can afford one on my salary?

Name of the Game sketch - Mercorabilia

A brand new sketch today - first of 2015 - hope you enjoy it!

Sergeant: Many of you will never have faced anything like this and the course we must take will not be easy. First you must traverse the bending bridge to reach the airlift that is waiting for you on the either side. You will then be taken round to the second bridge – the walls of which will seem to part as you cross. You will then traverse the rickety platform which will lead you to the geysers which will project you into the air until you make your way into the maze. Once through you will be picked up and taken around to the catapult for your final assault on the summit known as 'The Bell'. Some of you may not return but that's the name of the game and the name of the game is 'Screwball Scramble'.

Soldier A: Sir - if it's so dangerous why are we doing it?

Sergeant: Ours not to reason why – ours but to go and try. Anyone else?

Soldier B: Why can't the marbles do it?

Sergeant: (laughing) The marbles? They're too busy with their overgrown hamster run. Besides they're too big – they'd get stuck. No, it is left to us - we few, we happy few, we balls of bearing – for those who succeed today must keep their bearing. Ready? Then – go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

<Rattling and some cries as they fall off before an eventual ding>

Sergeant: Well done, soldier – you made it. How do you feel?

Soldier A: I'm sorry sir – I can't hear you – I've got this strange ringing in my ears.

There's A Hole In Your Plan - !!!NEW!!!

A bit of fun this one (and a reversion to my old favourite – the genius and highly enjoyable creation that is Cabin Pressure)

One of my favourite episodes is Ottery St Mary and the brief diatribe between Douglas and Arthur in their roles as men with a ven has always reminded me of a certain well-known children’s song…

There’s A Hole In My Bucket There’s A Hole In Your Plan not by Anon

We have no address,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

We have no address,

Dear Arthur - you clot

We can phone them

Dear Douglas, dear Douglas, dear Douglas

We can phone them, dear Douglas

Dear Douglas - phone them

On which number should we phone them?

Dear Arthur, Dear Arthur.

On which number should we phone them?

Dear Arthur - on which?

From Directory Enquiries

Dear Douglas, Dear Douglas

From Directory Enquiries

Dear Douglas - that’s how

And what shall we give them,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

And what shall we give them,

Dear Arthur – and what?

Well, the address

Dear Douglas, dear Douglas, dear Douglas

The address, dear Douglas

Dear Douglas - the address

We have no address,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

We have no address,
Dear Arthur - you clot!

I Just Feel Like Dancin' - !!!NEW!!!

Happy New Year! Hope you all had a fab 2014 and wishing you an even better 2015. I have to say that when it comes to celebrations...

I Don't Just Feel Like Dancin' not by Scissor Sisters

Wake up in the morning thinking “Where’s the music gone?'
The CDs reached the end and now I need another one
Show’rin’ brushin’ my hair, and then pull on my favourite gown
There’s no time for feeling lonely just get up and get down

So I bop along when I hear my favorite song
I don’t care if I don’t get it quite right
Don’t be alarmed when I’m swingin' 'round the room
‘Cause the magic's solely mine all right

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart will take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I can muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down woo hoo

Workday comes and workday goes and now the evening’s here
I get back home and change my clothes and give a little cheer
I got so many tunes to pick from simply can’t make up my mind
Don’t worry you’ll keep up it’s so easy you will find


Come on just pretend that you know which way to bend
‘Cause we’re gonna show the whole world that we’re fine
We’re feeling so grand come on let’s both clap our hands
If you stick around I'm sure that you'll be fine

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart will take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I could muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down with you

It’s such fun to dance around
But the quickstep makes my chest pound
Don’t let me down
Don’t you rush away until the morning light

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart could take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I could muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down with you