Petrol Prices sketch - Newsreview

I've managed to find another sketch I wrote for, but didn't submit to, Newsjack.
(One of the reasons I didn't submit it the condensed format in which I would need to send it which I felt impacted the comedy)

Intro: Petrol prices continue to rise – if they keep going up, how long before we face a scenario like this?

Customer: Pump no. 4, please

Vendor: Very good, sir – if you’d just like to sign here.

Customer: What is it?

Vendor: A mortgage application form – standard issue on all petrol purchases these days

Customer: What are the terms?

Vendor: Simple guarantee - usual collateral

Customer: What’s this? Forfeit the right to two limbs?

Vendor: Yes sir – your standard ‘Arm and a leg’ clause. Or we’re offering a very good deal on our new ‘Slavery Agreement’

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol

Vendor: Yes, sir. I know, sir. And as soon as you’ve signed your life away on one these forms the sooner you’ll have it.

Customer: Oh very well. 

(sound of scribbling) 

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: A tip?

This in itself is a condensed version of the sketch - the original draft ended like this:

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol. I can’t afford this!

Vendor: Well, I suppose you could always hold me up.

Customer: Yes. Good idea – stick ‘em up your money or your-

(gunshot)

Customer: You shot me!

Vendor: Yes, sir – standard shoplifter practice if you’ll just look at this sign here.

Customer: Shoplifters will be … Well, what should I do now?

Vendor: Well, sir, the usual drill is to lie on the floor bleeding while awaiting the ambulance.

Customer: Yes, that sounds doable. Well, go on then - phone the ambulance.

Vendor: Yes, sir.

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: These phone calls don’t come cheap, sir. Do you think I can afford one on my salary?