Tuesday, 30 April 2019

From The Mind of Merc - Extinction


Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the extinction. 

I will admit I was at a loss what to write about today until, whilst driving to work, I witnessed the driver of the car in front of me casually throw a wrapper out of their window. Given the current focus on conservation and recycling, I struggle to understand how people can still behave like this*. Especially when the facts are so simple:

THE PLANET IS DYING

And, most importantly:

IF IT DIES, YOU DIE

This might not be what you want to hear – after all no-one wants to hear their own death sentence – but ignoring it will not make it go away.

Do not leave it to someone else to fix – if everyone does that the situation will not change.
It is down to everyone and that includes YOU.
(Not (just) your next door neighbour, not (just) your colleague – YOU)

You may not have made the mess but that does not mean it is ok either to add to it or not to do something about it – especially when not doing so has such far reaching and drastic consequences.

For those who deny the effects humankind are having on the planet**. I struggle to understand why you choose to ignore science just because you dislike what it’s saying
It is the same as being told you have a medical condition and choosing to ignore that – the effect will be the same: devastating for you

If you’re still looking for motivation (perhaps still falsely thinking ‘it’s not my problem’) – do it for your children. If you have no children – do it for your family. If you have no family – do it for humanity. If you are not human – what are you doing on this planet?

If you want an indication of the level of seriousness of the problem, look to the bees. The bees disappearing is not an interesting bit of trivia, it is major warning sign that we are in trouble.
No bees = no food for humans. And not just plants but meat as well.
Vegetarian/Vegans: No bees = no pollination = no vegetation
Meat-eaters: No bees = no plants = no food for animals = no meat

This topic is currently ‘fashionable’ because of attention (justly) given to activists – particularly 16-year-old Greta Thunberg who has faced negative reactions to her campaigning – the reason for which I struggle to make out.
I can only assume she is viewed as annoying again because she is saying things people don’t want to hear or admit to. Or perhaps she is resented due to jealousy as she is doing what you know you should be doing.
But she is not trying to shame you, she is trying to prompt you, to activate you, to assist you in doing something about the increasingly dangerous situation we are in.
She is not a nuisance – she is a scared little girl who doesn’t understand why people are happy to let the planet die. Do you understand why?

I also found it hard to believe the similar disregard or negative views of the recent Extinction Rebellion protests.
Yes – they made life inconvenient but
a)      that was kind of the point – how are you to be made aware of a situation if it does not impact you
b)      that was nowhere near as inconvenient to you as the planet dying will be if action is not taken

If you say/reckon you don’t know what you can do to help, there are literally thousands of websites, blogs, tutorials, and sources of information as to what can be done by yourself to make a difference and stop the planet from dying.
Don’t believe me? On a quick Google I found:
(You don’t even have to do all of them – just something)

What will you find?




*I am no saint, there are undoubtedly many things I could be doing to improve my impact on the planet but still I realise and accept the importance of doing so

**

Saturday, 27 April 2019

Operation sketch - Mercorabilia


Don't worry - no blood and guts involved in this one. Just a bright spark.

Dr A: Hello, Mr Body.

Mr Body: It’s pronounced Bodie, actually.

Dr A: Is it? Oh, I’m so sorry. Anyway, pleased to meet you Mr Bodie. I’m Dr. A and I’ll be operating on you today. Right – let’s take a look. Mmm. Mmm-hmm. I see. Well, Mr. Bodie. I’m afraid there’s nothing for it – we’re going to have to remove your leg bone.

Mr Body: You what?

Dr A: Well, it’s either that or your wish bone. And I think we’ve got a better chance of getting your leg bone out cleanly.

Mr Body: Oh, right. Well, as you think best. What are you going to use?

Dr A: Oh, I thought I’d just use these tweezers.

Mr Body: Tweezers?!?

Dr A: Yes. Well, it’s a delicate game, you see. (speaking more slowly as if concentrating) We don’t want…

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr A: Oh no! I made your nose light up. Oh, well. Dr B – it’s your turn.

Mr Body: What?

Dr A: That’s how it works – I made your nose light up so it’s Dr B’s turn.

Mr Body: And how long is this going to go on for?

Dr A: Until we get it out, of course. Dr B – if you would.

Dr B: Right. Let’s have a look, shall we? Aha – ah yes. I see. It’s just a matter of-

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr B: Nope. Dr C – all yours.

Mr Body: Look - can’t just one of you work on it at a time?

Dr A: Oh, no – that would be against the rules. Got to play fairly, haven’t we? That is the aim of the game after all.

Dr C: Yes! Got it!

Dr A: Oh, well done, Dr C. Right – what shall we go for now?

Dr C: What about the arm bone?

Dr A: Jolly good idea. Just lie still, Mr Bodie – this won’t take a minute.

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr A: Or maybe it will.

Wednesday, 24 April 2019

The One That Got Away - !!!NEW!!!


Bit of a stretch of the imagination this one - imagine Commodore Norrington is Katy Perry.

The One That Got Away not by Katy Perry

Sailing round Port Royal, on my own ship
About to be promoted – was such a trip
And after the cer’mony, I’d propose to Liz Swann

Knew my star was on the rise now – oh, that was so true
Made Commodore - was nothing I could not do

Didn’t plan that that day I'd be facing you


With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan

With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away


You saved my love’s life – but that ploy fell flat
Stole a ship and fled - just how did you do that?
Once we beat Barbossa, to trial I brought you back, yeah

I let you escape when Will turned on me
Sure that soon after caught you’d be
But soon found out that was not to be my destiny


With another…

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan

With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one, the one, the one
The one that got away


All this glory can't help me in my revenge, no
Can't capture you with a million men, no
Never could have guessed what you’d do to me, whoa
You made me dance your dance


With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, I’d succeed in my plan

With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one (the one)
The one (the one)
The one (the one)


With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

Sunday, 31 March 2019

From The Mind of Merc - UK Politics

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the state of UK politics. This would take way to long to discuss so I thought I'd sum it up with a cartoon that's been buzzing round my head for a while now:


And a topical post for my 500th blog entry - who'd have thunk it?

(Han) Solo - !!!NEW!!!

Can't believe I didn't think of this one before - it's obvious really.
 
Han Solo – Solo
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy

 
I never meant to lead the rebels
Just had to get us out of trouble
Couldn’t fail (Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy)

 
It seems Vader didn’t like my toils
Think he’s got a thing against royals
Put me in jail (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)

 
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know 


You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo

 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…

Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo

 
Every single time I saw you
Really couldn’t even stand you – nerf herder (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Oh, no, no
Tried to stop myself from feeling
But not long after that I was reeling – true lover (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)

Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know

 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo

 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo

Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo

I love Han Solo
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo

 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…

Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo

'Cause you're my Han Solo

Friday, 15 March 2019

Tiggywinkle sketch - Mercorabilia

Taking a leaf out of one of my favourite sketch writers book today and putting simple twist on a classic.
(I wrote two versions of this sketch - I may share the other one at a later date) but in the end decided this was my favourite.)


Customer: Excuse me.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear?
Customer: Are you Mrs. Tiggywinkle?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear. How can I help you?
Customer: I have a complaint.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: Yes. It’s about this shirt I gave you. See?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: What about it, dear?
Customer: Well, look at it! It’s covered in puncture marks.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: And this bit here looks like someone’s been nibbling at it.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: So it does.
Customer: And what is this?!? It looks like sh-
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Well, what do you expect when you ask a hedgehog to do your laundry for you?
Customer: Well, it’s not good enough. What are you are you going to do about it?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Erm… sorry – we’re closed (curls up into a ball)
Customer: Come out of there!
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (muffled) Sorry, dear – I can’t hear you.
Customer: I said come out. Or I’ll report you to Trading Standards
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (hurriedly unrolling) You wouldn’t do that, dear.
Customer: Oh yes, I would.
Mrs. Tiggywinkle: Well, I suppose it probably wouldn’t matter if you did. I’ve been thinking about giving it all up anyway – the laundry business. I thought I might try my hand at veterinary care.
Customer: Really?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes. Do you think I’d be any good?
Customer: Well, you couldn’t do much worse than you did at laundry
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (brightly) Thank you
Customer: That wasn’t a compliment
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (dejectedly) I know

Friday, 1 March 2019

From The Mind of Merc - The Power of Perception

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics ad occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I thought I'd share an oldie but a goodie which is a perfect demonstration of the power of perception:

This image doesn't look particularly odd.



There's a part of your brain that can probably tell something's off but it's not until the image is rotated 180 degrees that you realise by just how much.

This is because your very clever brain attempts to correct the inverted image - that's the power of your perception!

Wednesday, 27 February 2019

Tailgating sketch - Mercorabilia

Lack of internet after moving house and a short month have meant February's posts have all got bunched up at the end.
Oh well, here's a sketch I've been saving - hope you feel it was worth the wait.



Mr Gold: Come in HQ. Golf Tango calling HQ. (speaking in muffled voice) HQ here – over. (in normal voice) I’ve got a bogey on my tail. It’s a grey Vauxhall Astra – could be trouble, over. (speaking in muffled voice) Roger Golf Tango, can you shake him? Over. (in normal voice) Hold on, HQ – approaching a bend. *sound of screeching* (muffled voice) Golf Tango report – over. (in normal voice) Negative HQ – he’s still with me. Please advise…
Mrs Gold: What are you doing?
Mr Gold: What?
Mrs Gold: I said what are you doing?
Mr Gold: Well, I was just pretending, you know.
Mrs Gold: Pretending what?
Mr Gold: *clears throat* Well, there’s… there’s a car behind us and I, uh, I thought it could be cool if he was following us and we had to evade him – (sounding excited) as if we were on some top secret spy mission.
Mrs Gold: John, we are in a Ford Fiesta. I hardly think top secret spies go on missions or attempt to evade possible tails in a K reg hatchback!
Mr Gold: Well…
Mrs Gold: What’s more you are not a child – you are my husband and you are 35/41 years old. Don’t you think the time for pretending might be over by now?
Mr Gold: Yes, dear.
Mrs Gold: Right. Now let’s have no more of this.
<pause>
Mr Gold: *humming mission impossible theme under his breath*
Mrs Gold: John!
Mr Gold: What?
Mrs Gold: Will, you stop looking at your wing mirror!
Mr Gold: Well, I have to check my mirror, dear – it’s the law.
Mrs Gold: Yes, but that means checking it once or twice when making a manoeuvre - not every 5 seconds while driving along a straight road.
Mr Gold: Ok… But he is still behind us, dear.
Mrs Gold: I don’t care if he’s behind us, beside us or on top of us. He is not going to be interested in what we’re doing and his every move does not need to remarked upon in a running commentary. Understood?
Mr Gold: Yes, dear.
*binging sound*
Mr Gold: Oh – we’re almost out of petrol. I’ll just pull in here, dear, and get some more. (pulls into petrol station and gets out humming)
(As the sound fades the wife speaks hurriedly under her breath.)
Mrs Gold: Come in, Alpha Wolf, over.
Alpha Wolf: Alpha Wolf here, over.
Mrs Gold: Pull back – you’re getting to close to the target and we don’t want to make him nervous.
Alpha Wolf: Roger. Do you think he’s on to us?
Mrs Gold: No, don’t worry – I don’t think he suspects a thing.

Friday, 22 February 2019

That's Nothing Like A Vote on Brexit - !!!NEW!!!

Been debating about posting this for a while but in the end decided what the heck.

There’s Nothing Like A Show On Broadway That’s Nothing Like A Vote On Brexit not from The Producers

LEO:
The referendum’s over
The people’s poll is cast
Hooray for democracy
(Huh! How long will that last)

You're waiting for the score
This really is a bore
Surely it’s obvious?
Then your chin hits the floor

But that was
Nothing like a vote on Brexit
Nothing like a Brexit vote
Voters were deceived on Brexit

If you're feeling blue       
I'm telling you       
It really gets my goat       

MP’s lie, the people sigh
Can’t take any more
This can’t be true, (But) what can you do,
The people’s word is law.   

But that was
Nothing like a vote on Brexit
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
Some people say
The EU’s had its day
The Leavers repeat it en masse

But their motive is flawed
It's not above board   
It’s all about cov’ring their ass.

MPs want to be rich               
It’s all that they live for               
Who cares bout people who unlike them are poor       
Got it in their head that we could be led               
But by letting this run they opened up the door

The facts were f*cked
That bus just sucked
The campaign broke all laws   
And now it’s done you realise
They helped the racist cause

LEO:
That’s why
That’s nothing like a vote on Brexit.

LEO AND MAX:
That's nothing like a Brexit vote.

MAX;
You swore you'd never let it pass.
It simply is not the way

LEO:
You made that vow
and then somehow

LEO AND MAX:
Did not vote on the day.

That's why that’s
Nothing like a vote on Brexit

LEO:
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
Not leg’ly binding

LEO:
That’s nothing like a Brexit vote

MAX:
And though they won’t repeat it as they know their lies won’t float   

LEO AND MAX;
That’s nothing...
Like a Brexit vote!

Friday, 1 February 2019