Tiggywinkle sketch - Mercorabilia

Taking a leaf out of one of my favourite sketch writers book today and putting simple twist on a classic.
(I wrote two versions of this sketch - I may share the other one at a later date) but in the end decided this was my favourite.)


Customer: Excuse me.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear?
Customer: Are you Mrs. Tiggywinkle?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes, dear. How can I help you?
Customer: I have a complaint.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: Yes. It’s about this shirt I gave you. See?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: What about it, dear?
Customer: Well, look at it! It’s covered in puncture marks.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Oh, dear.
Customer: And this bit here looks like someone’s been nibbling at it.
Mrs Tiggywinkle: So it does.
Customer: And what is this?!? It looks like sh-
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Well, what do you expect when you ask a hedgehog to do your laundry for you?
Customer: Well, it’s not good enough. What are you are you going to do about it?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Erm… sorry – we’re closed (curls up into a ball)
Customer: Come out of there!
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (muffled) Sorry, dear – I can’t hear you.
Customer: I said come out. Or I’ll report you to Trading Standards
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (hurriedly unrolling) You wouldn’t do that, dear.
Customer: Oh yes, I would.
Mrs. Tiggywinkle: Well, I suppose it probably wouldn’t matter if you did. I’ve been thinking about giving it all up anyway – the laundry business. I thought I might try my hand at veterinary care.
Customer: Really?
Mrs Tiggywinkle: Yes. Do you think I’d be any good?
Customer: Well, you couldn’t do much worse than you did at laundry
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (brightly) Thank you
Customer: That wasn’t a compliment
Mrs Tiggywinkle: (dejectedly) I know

King John's Laundry sketch - Mercorabilia

Today's entry is the third and (for the time being at least) last of my King John sketches. It's a parody of the infamous incident that occurred at the end of his reign when he was attempting to cross a certain estuary between Norfolk and Lincolnshire.

John: I’d like to make a complaint

Manager: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. What’s happened?

John: I appear to have lost some valuables in the wash.

Manager: Oh dear. I’m sorry about that, sir. What valuables were these?

John: The crown jewels.

Manager: (after a pause) Sorry, sir?

John: The crown jewels. You see I was on my way from Bishop’s Lynn to Spalding and I thought I’d stop off en route and give the jewels a bit of good scrub – the crown was looking a bit dilapidated and the orb appeared to have a few nasty marks on it – and what with the price of cleaners these days I thought I’ll save time and bung em in the wash. Only now I appear to have lost them all.

Manager: I see. Well I’m afraid, sir, that I can’t help you.

John: What? What do you mean you can’t help? Do you know who I am?

Manager: Yes, sir. But I’m afraid the rules apply to all patrons.

John: What rules?

Manager: Over there, sir. Above the detergent dispenser. The management accepts no responsibility for any consequential, special, indirect, incidental, or punitive loss or damages. All items placed in the wash are done so at the owner’s own risk.

John: Oh.

Manager: Sorry but what can you do? Politics.

John: Tell me about it.