Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be? - !!!NEW!!!

Oh dear, what can the matter be? The EU referendum - that's what.

This started off as one simple verse but it soon expanded and twisted to become this.

Oh Dear, What Can The Matter Be not by Anon

Oh dear, what can the matter be?

We voted to leave the EU last month, you see

Now Cameron’s gone and Boris is Secretary

What on earth have we done now?

Thought that we would want to remain but he

Didn’t count on racists and bigotry

Teresa May’s now running the count-a-ry

What on earth have we done now?

The pound is up and down like a see-a-saw

It’s a sight that we’ve never seen before

We don’t know if Europe will close the door

What on earth have we done now?

The Scots are riled and want a new chance to flee

Didn’t think that this was what staying would mean

May is poised to launch Article 50

What on earth have we done now?

Need multicultural diversity

Instead chose our own individuality

Now hate crimes are all over the TV

What on earth have we done now?

Oh dear, what can the matter be?

Remain voters bemoan their lost victory

But that’s not how to move on from a defeat

That is what we must do now

Unite to save what’s left of humanity

Show the racists that they’re the minority

Focus on boosting the economy

That is what we must do now

The pound’s poor plight is not as bad as you think

It came back up shortly after it did sink

The world and we just need to have a rethink

That is what we must do now

The vote was close and a narrow victory

(But) to recast votes would hinder democracy

We must not let ourselves fall to misery

That is what we must do now

Scrapping and fighting is what we must not allow

Show what to be British does mean and how

To defeat we are not going to kowtow

That is what we must do now

Diamonds Aren't A Girl's Best Friend - !!!NEW!!!

300th post! Woohoo!
And, to celebrate, I figured I'd do something with a bit of sparkle.
Don't get me wrong - I'm a fan of Baz Luhrmann's film Moulin Rouge. It's just that I've always felt Satine's debut number sends the wrong message. Maybe this is what it should say instead:

Diamonds Aren’t A Girl’s Best Friend not from Moulin Rouge

Some girls just want to marry wealth

To them it means the earth
But I prefer a man with heart
For me he has more worth

A rock on your hand
May be quite desirable,
But diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

A rock may be grand
But it’s not reliable
For true happiness
And won’t help you stay free from stress.

Cash is cold
You must be told,
And we all leave our jewels in the end.

And square-cut or pear-shaped,
Just rocks in a new shape.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Tiffany's!
Cartier!
Black Starr!
Frost Gormham!
Away with you Harry Winston.
Don’t want to know about it!

There may come a time
When a lass needs compassion,
And diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

There may come a time
When your hard sought out fashion
Leaves you cold as ice,
And you find that gold’s not so nice.

Gems you trust
But it’s just lust
And it’s not all that long til it ends

It's then that those realise
It’s not what you should prize.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

I've heard of some girls
Who have married for jewellery,
But diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

But I’m more a girl
Who won’t let money rule me
When the chips are down
You can’t be sure it will stay round.

Time rolls on,
Your money’s gone,
You’ve nothing else on which to depend.

‘Cause yearning for gemstones

Will soon leave you alone

Diamonds! Diamonds!
And even rhinestones!
No, diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Henslowe - !!!NEW!!!

For those of you who don't know, I am a staunch advocate of the Rose Playhouse in Southwark (if you've never been there, go - it's an amazing site). One of the men behind The Rose was Philip Henslowe (who some people may know as been played by Geoffrey Rush in the film 'Shakespeare in Love'). I decided - with the help of a Beatles tune that got stuck in my head - that he should have his own parody song.

Hey Jude Henslowe not by The Beatles
Henslowe, he was the man
Knew what he wanted, a real go-getter
Involved with many more businesses here
Than it appears – Tudor jet-setter

Henslowe, he started small
Born in Sussex then came to London
Soon built up a business all around town
Of great reknown that’s how it (was) begun

And then to keep track of his plan, Henslowe began
To record his work in written letters
And that is why we still know now exactly how
He made our Southwark a little better
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Henslowe, he built the Rose
The first theatre, built on The Bankside
He left it in sixteen hundred and five
But Southwark is still where it resides

So don’t forget when in London, Henslowe, is gone
But his works are still there for you to find
And when you do you’ll want to know Henslowe, who showed
That his achievements are here to stay
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah

Henslowe, he was the man
Knew what he wanted, a real go-getter
Involved with many more businesses here
Than it appears – Tudor jet-setter
setter getter better better better, oh

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, Henslowe

Greatest Song In The World - !!!NEW!!!

(Apparently my post didn't manage to upload successfully last week so I'll try again now)

I figured if One Direction can do a song called 'Best Song Ever' then I can do something similar - borrowing a tune from Rihanna.

Only Girl In The World Greatest Song In The World not by Rihanna
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la 
La la la la

I want you to love it
Like it’s the best thing 
Keep thinkin' of it
Making your ears ring
So just forget about the charts
There’s no need for you try to decide
You are not gonna forget it
Will be the only one on your mind 

I’m gonna make you feel
Like it’s the greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that you've ever heard
Like it’s the only one you have preferred
Greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that's in demand
When you hear it then you will understand
It should be heard throughout the land
Yeah

I’m gonna make you feel
Like it’s the greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that you'll ever love
Like it’s the only one speaks to your heart
Greatest one

Want you to hear it
All day and all the night
Feel that it speaks to you
Makes you feel right
Because it’s got the greatest rhythm
And the lyrics, they are amazing
And when you hear it, you’ll be hooked - it
Will be the one you want to sing

I’m gonna make you feel
Like it’s the greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that you've ever heard
Like it’s the only one you have preferred
Greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that's in demand
When you hear it then you will understand
It should be heard throughout the land
Greatest one

Try it out for size, size
Oh, now isn’t that nice, nice
Feel your spirits rise, rise
Oh, wanna hear it twice, twice

Try it out for size, size
Oh, now isn’t that nice, nice
Feel your spirits rise, rise
Oh, wanna hear it twice, twice

I’m gonna make you feel
Like it’s the greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that you've ever heard
Like it’s the only one you have preferred
Greatest song in the world
Like it’s the only one that's in demand
When you hear it then you will understand
It should be heard throughout the land
Greatest song in the world
Song in the world
Greatest song in the world
Song in the world

From The Mind of Merc - ecigarettes

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about ecigarettes.

So it turns out ecigarettes may not be as good as was originally thought. To which I would like to say: No sh*t, Sherlock! So you’re not inhaling nicotine, tar and goodness knows what else into your lungs – you’re still inhaling chemicals into your lungs which could (and now seems potentially do) have major negative effects on your health.

The main issue here/cause of this misconceived view seems overall to be down to the fact that the view of or approach to ecigarettes has become twisted – the focus has been extolling or emphasising claims such as ‘they’re not as bad as cigarettes’. Yeah, and shooting yourself in the foot’s not as bad as shooting yourself in the head – you still get shot (and the former can still kill you).

Another favourite is ‘they can help you wean yourself of cigarettes’... by giving you currently unknown health defects as a result of the health risk that ecigarettes are increasingly found to represent.

By switching from cigarettes to ecigarettes you are not going from bad to good you are going from a known health risk to an unknown health risk – both cause harm, both poison your body, both will kill you.

As you may be able to tell, I am a vehement anti-smoker although I am also extremely pro-choice meaning I understand and respect that it’s your choice and I’m not going to tell you what to do – just mourn the impending pointless loss of life through societal ignorance.

Tbh, this is not uncommon - ecigarettes are just the latest in a centuries-long series of fads of supposedly marvellous or miraculous new products which have turned out to be deadly/harmful.

From ancient times, a popular beauty regime included using make-up containing large quantities of lead. Followers of this regime included Queen Elizabeth I - whose white lead-based face make-up ate into her face and is believed to have led to her eventual death – and Maria Gunning – an 18th century renowned beauty who died from lead poisoning aged 27. There’s also the small matter of the numerous boyfriends, husbands and partners who died from kissing the lead-covered faces of their amours.

Arsenic became increasingly popular during the Victorian era primarily for use either as a face powder or health supplement but it could also be found in wallpaper – which is believed to have led to the death of Napoleon Bonaparte – and even ladies dresses. Also laudanum, morphine and opium were regularly added to ‘health’ tonics – including those of children.

Following this, from the end of the 19^th century, asbestos became a fashionable fabric and could be found in building construction and decoration and also fireproof items and increased in use throughout the 20^th century despite its negative health effects being established as early as 1924.

My point is, just as with all the above, cigarettes used to be viewed as a health supplement, with even doctors advocating their use – now we know better. Yet we still choose to ignore any advice which contradicts our views on the ‘health benefits’ of something that will kill us!

The experts do not warn us of these things to be killjoys – they do it to SAVE YOUR LIFE so you ignore them literally at your peril.

Also, given the massive negative health impacts that passive smoking has shown to produce, you can’t help but wonder what the effects of passive ecigarette smoking are going to be proven to be in 50-60 years time.

Here’s an idea – how about we don’t wait to find out? Let’s prevent the need to find out. Let’s, in effect, prevent the opportunity to find out. Please – don’t risk your life or let your choices risk other people’s lives.

Ironic (Updated) - !!!NEW!!!

When Alanis Morisette appeared on Late Night with James Corden she performed what was (apparently) a corrected version of her song ‘Ironic’ which, in a way, was incredibly ironic as it still didn’t feature any ironies(!) So I figured this – as with her original version – needed amending.

Ironic - Updated Version (with corrections) not by Alanis Morisette
An old friend sends you a Facebook request
Who claimed time in Facebook they’d never invest
You switch heels for flats but you still take a fall
You get that new iphone and then find out that it won’t make calls
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

It’s like swiping left on your future soulmate
Yet you designed the user-friendly interface
It’s a tweet against tweeting that gets lots of faves
And who would’ve thought it figures

It’s like using sat nav to avoid the traffic you’ve found
Try to get out but the sat nav sends you back round
It’s 10,000 male late-night hosts saying gender equality is here
It’s hearing ‘Ironic’s been updated, but lyrics still don’t adhere
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think

It’s like getting a free ride when you’ve booked Taxis-To-Go
It’s travelling to Iceland only to learn in England it snowed
It’s like a failed delivery on a customer service How-to
And who would’ve thought it figures

It’s like a Netflix advert extolling DVDs
It’s getting a free burger when you’ve given up meat
It’s singing “Ironic,” when there are no ironies
And who would’ve thought it figures

Doctor Who's On First - Mercorabilia

Inspired by a recent Stephen Colbert skit featuring David Tennant, I thought I'd rejig the infamous Abbott & Costello baseball sketch to suit the two stars more appropriately.

Abbott: Well Costello, We’ve got quite a line up on the show tonight.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the host, you must know all the guests.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met any of them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's appearing on the show.
Abbott: Well, let's see, we have the latest Doctor Who's on first, then the star of a documentary about James Watt's on second, then an actress Ida Noe is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: So that’s Who's on first, Watt's on second, Ida Noe’s on third.
Costello: Are you the host?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be interviewing too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the guests’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the guest’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest coming on...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott: That's the guest's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got someone coming out first?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's coming on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you bring on the first guest tonight, who’s coming?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest that’s coming...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who’s coming on first...
Abbott: He is, absolutely. After all his wife’s in the front row.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you bring on the first guest, how do they pronounce their name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How do they pronounce...
Abbott: That's how he says it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One guest at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the line-up around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guest on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guest’s name on first?
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third, we're not talking about her.
Costello: Now how did I get on the third guest?
Abbott: Why you mentioned her name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third guest’s name, who did I say is coming third?
Abbott: No. Who's coming first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third guest and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's coming on third?
Abbott: Why do you insist on bringing Who on third?
Costello: What am I putting in third.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got a orchestra?
Abbott: Sure. All the way from China.
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's conducting the orchestra.
Abbott: Who's coming on first.
Costello: I'm not... stay off of the guest list! I want to know what's the conductor’s name in the orchestra?
Abbott: No, Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's double bass.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta singer on this show?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The singer’s name?
Abbott: Tamara.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tamara!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's singing?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not singing…
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the singer’s name?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a chat host too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the mike to do some fancy hosting, Tamara’s singing on my show and the orchestra hots up. Now the orchestra starts the show. When they start the show, me, being a good host, I'm gonna announce the guest on first. So I pick up the mike and say welcome to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to announce the first guest.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I announce the first guest, somebody's gotta come out. Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Natalie?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the mike and I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: No you don't, you say welcome to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: You say it to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I say welcome to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You say welcome to Who?
Costello: Natalie
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I say welcome to who. Whoever it is does their bit and we move on to second. Who picks up the mike and passes it to Watt. Watt passes it on to Ida Noe. Ida Noe passes it on to Tamara, interval. The orchestra gets up and starts a long slow tune with Because. Er… Wai? Ida Noe! She's on third and That’s All Folks!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said That’s All Folks!
Abbott: Oh, he’s on next week.

Victorian Vacancies Part 2 - !!!NEW!!!

Even if you survived childhood, things wouldn't get much better. Finding employment would still be high on your priority list to prevent starvation. But what would available? Another flick through Pauper's Weekly reveals all.

Victorian Vacancies Part 1- !!!NEW!!!

Surviving in Victorian times was tough - especially if you were a child. A lot depended on whether you were able to find employment. But just how would they do that/what kind of jobs were available for Victoria's youngest subjects. Let's have a look at the classified section of Pauper's Weekly to find out.

From The Mind of Merc - Misheard Lyrics

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about misheard lyrics.
A friend of mine recently pointed me towards Peter Kay’s skit on misheard lyrics and the resulting effect it can have on attempts at karaoke. If you haven’t seen it, you can find it here.
 
I have a few to add:
 
1) Will Young’s Jealousy – try as I might I cannot listen to this without hearing “And it feels like Chelsea... And it feels like Ivory....”
 
2) Surely the theme from Top Gun is called “Take Off With The Wind” (or maybe “Take Off From Nowhere”) rather than it’s actual title of “Take My Breath Away”
 
3) I think Leona Lewis is a lot more explicit than people realise – why else would the lyrics to her song ‘Collide’ include the line “Cry sh*t to me” (also why is she on about a “Weekend Climb”?)
 
4) OneRepublic’s Love Runs Out – I actually got this one wrong twice. I thought the line was “I’ll be reeling” but sounded like “I’m Vera Lynn”. Turns out it’s “I’ll be running”

It could be that I just need to get better speakers but I now challenge you to try to listen to these songs without hearing these alternate lyrics. Enjoy!

Afternote: New one to add - I always thought JLS were singing that all that they do is to make you cry - which I thought was a pretty sadistic intention - turns out they're singing 'Proud'. Would probably have helped if I'd known the name of the song.