Wye Is It sketch - Mercorabilia

I know I've used this sketch before but this idea came into my head a while ago and I haven't been able to shake it. So here it is:

Wye Is It Who’s On First not by Abbott & Costello
Abbott: Did you know that the town I live in is the smallest in England.
Costello: Is that so?
Abbott: Yep. I was reading about it the other day. Smallest in England.
Costello: What’s it called?
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No, not What. Wye.
Costello: Why what?
Abbott: No. I didn’t say what. I said Wye.
Costello: I know. And I said what.
Abbott: Why did you say what?
Costello: Because you said why.
Abbott: So
Costello: So why?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: What.
Abbott: No not what. Wye.
Costello: Wait a minute. You live in the town?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the town’s name?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then? Tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I don’t know. I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: But you’re not telling me.
Abbott: Yes, I am.
Costello: What’s the name of the town you live in.
Abbott: No, it’s not what. It’s Wye.
Costello: Do you want to tell me the name?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: Well, go ahead.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you wanted to.
Abbott: I do.
Costello: So go ahead.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I'm just asking it’s name.
Abbott: That is its name.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No, Wye.
Costello: Just tell me.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: You did?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: But you… Look, look, look…you know the name of the town?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: What is it?
Abbott: No.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No.
Costello: No?
Abbott: No. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know why but you won’t tell me.
Abbott: Won’t tell you what.
Costello: You said it isn’t what.
Abbott: It isn’t what.
Costello: I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what?
Abbott: No. Wye
Costello: Ok. Let’s try again. You said you lived in the smallest town in England.
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the name of this town.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because I want to know.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you’d tell me.
Abbott: And I’m telling you.
Costello: So tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you said you live in the smallest town in England, how is the town’s name written?
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I just want to know.
Abbott: And I just want to tell you
Costello: So go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I don’t know any more.
Abbott: You don’t need to know anymore. I’m telling you.
Costello: Go on then.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Why do you keep asking me why?
Abbott: I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know. Maybe you just felt like it. Who’s to say why?
Abbott: I did.
Costello: You did what?
Abbott: Say Wye.
Costello: Did you?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, I never heard you.
Abbott: How can you not have heard? I’m standing right here.
Costello: Well, go ahead and say it again.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you’d said it. And I didn’t hear it. So I asked you to say it again.
Abbott: And I did.
Costello: Well, go on then.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Oh for…
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the town name where you live.
Abbott: No. What isn’t it.
Costello: I don’t know what isn’t it. How am I supposed to be able to know when you won’t tell me what it is.
Abbott: No. What it isn’t.
Costello: So what is it?
Abbott: No. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know why.
Abbott: Well, I do.
Costello: Good. I’m happy for you.

Doctor Who's On First - Mercorabilia

Inspired by a recent Stephen Colbert skit featuring David Tennant, I thought I'd rejig the infamous Abbott & Costello baseball sketch to suit the two stars more appropriately.

Abbott: Well Costello, We’ve got quite a line up on the show tonight.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the host, you must know all the guests.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met any of them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's appearing on the show.
Abbott: Well, let's see, we have the latest Doctor Who's on first, then the star of a documentary about James Watt's on second, then an actress Ida Noe is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: So that’s Who's on first, Watt's on second, Ida Noe’s on third.
Costello: Are you the host?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be interviewing too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the guests’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the guest’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest coming on...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott: That's the guest's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got someone coming out first?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's coming on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you bring on the first guest tonight, who’s coming?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest that’s coming...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who’s coming on first...
Abbott: He is, absolutely. After all his wife’s in the front row.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you bring on the first guest, how do they pronounce their name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How do they pronounce...
Abbott: That's how he says it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One guest at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the line-up around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guest on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guest’s name on first?
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third, we're not talking about her.
Costello: Now how did I get on the third guest?
Abbott: Why you mentioned her name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third guest’s name, who did I say is coming third?
Abbott: No. Who's coming first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third guest and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's coming on third?
Abbott: Why do you insist on bringing Who on third?
Costello: What am I putting in third.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got a orchestra?
Abbott: Sure. All the way from China.
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's conducting the orchestra.
Abbott: Who's coming on first.
Costello: I'm not... stay off of the guest list! I want to know what's the conductor’s name in the orchestra?
Abbott: No, Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's double bass.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta singer on this show?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The singer’s name?
Abbott: Tamara.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tamara!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's singing?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not singing…
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the singer’s name?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a chat host too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the mike to do some fancy hosting, Tamara’s singing on my show and the orchestra hots up. Now the orchestra starts the show. When they start the show, me, being a good host, I'm gonna announce the guest on first. So I pick up the mike and say welcome to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to announce the first guest.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I announce the first guest, somebody's gotta come out. Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Natalie?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the mike and I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: No you don't, you say welcome to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: You say it to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I say welcome to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You say welcome to Who?
Costello: Natalie
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I say welcome to who. Whoever it is does their bit and we move on to second. Who picks up the mike and passes it to Watt. Watt passes it on to Ida Noe. Ida Noe passes it on to Tamara, interval. The orchestra gets up and starts a long slow tune with Because. Er… Wai? Ida Noe! She's on third and That’s All Folks!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said That’s All Folks!
Abbott: Oh, he’s on next week.

WHO said it sketch - Newsreview

Another excerpt from my Newsreview collection today. This time a play on the famous 'Who's on first' sketch by Abbott & Costello altered to centre around the World Health Organisation - which is also known as WHO.
I wrote it around this time last year for the last World Mental Health Day on October 10th.
(If you're interested in seeing the the article I used to start off the sketch, you can find it here:
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/notes/2012/mental_health_day_20121009/en/)

Who Said It 's On First not by Abbott & Costello

Abbott: Well, let's see here. Ah, yes - The World Health Organisation or WHO said they calling for an end to the stigmatization of depression and other mental disorders and for better access to treatment for all people who need it.

Costello: That's an interesting thing to find out.

Abbott: I say WHO said this as part of World Mental Health Day

Costello: Are you serious?

Abbott: What.

Costello: You just read the article?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the company’s name?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who said it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the company's name.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: The one that said it.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: The organisation.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: The people that...

Abbott: WHO said it!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who said it.

Abbott: That's the company's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you know which company said it?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who was it?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you said that a company had made that announcement, who said it?

Abbott: They sure did.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the company’s name that said it.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: The company that said...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who said it...

Abbott: They did, every word. And they should know – they were founded in 1948.

Costello: Who was?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you said a company had made that announcement on World Mental Health day, how was the company’s name written?

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: The company.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: How was it writ...

Abbott: That's how they wrote it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the company’s name that said it.

Abbott: No. WHAT is nothing to do with it.

Costello: I'm not asking who's nothing to do with it.

Abbott: WHO’s the one that said it.

Costello: Make up your mind!

Abbott: Well, don't change the subject.

Costello: I'm not changing nothing!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the company that said it?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

Admittedly it's not as long as the original which goes on to mention people being on second, third, pitching etc which doesn't quite fit in with the sketch.