The Point of No Return - !!!NEW!!!

And secondly, a parody of a classic with a topical twist:

The Point of No Return not by Andrew Lloyd Webber
We are now here
At the end of all our lifelines
In pursuit of ease and comfort we sought and now look
Now look
We are now here
And our hopes are now far behind
If we have only been prepared to try
Dropped all the pretence, committed ourselves to try
Now we are here without a solution
We have arrived, we’ve arrived

Past the point of no return
Don’t want to be here 
All we could have done, it’s just too bad
Past the chance to make it right
No use re(mi)niscing
We threw away every chance we had 
What might have been if we’d done more?
What could have been achieved before
When sweet salvation lay before us?

Past the point of no return
The final countdown
What could be done when we’d the chance to learn
Before the point of no return?

We are now here
At that point at which it’s too late
At that point at which all we can do is stand and look
Just look
We are now here
(Al)ready knowing that it’s our fate
In our hearts we had always imagined we’d find a way out and escape from this nightmare
But now we are here without a solution
We have arrived, we’ve arrived

Past the point of no return
No second chances
Our fate is what we brought onto ourselves
Past the chance to right the wrong
If we’d just listened
Could we have avoided what we now face?
Why did we not notice the
Last of our hopes begin to fade?
Why did we let our greed consume us?

Past the point of no return
The final countdown
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn

We've passed the point of no return

The Ex-Kniggit Sketch - Mercorabilia

As I'm running out of month you're getting 2 for the price of 1.

First off, a sketch which given my hobby as a medieval re-enactor was pretty much inevitable

(A noble approaches a castle.)
Sir Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Baron does not respond.)
Sir Praline: Oi, you coward!
Baron: Who you calling Howard?
Sir Praline: (choosing not to correct him) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Baron: Sorry, we're closed.
Sir Praline: Never mind that, my lord. I wish to complain about this knight what I purchased not half a year ago from this very castle.
Baron: Oh yes, the, uh, the John de Grey... What's, uh...What's wrong with ‘im?
Sir Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with ‘im, my lord. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
Baron: No, no, 'e's uh... he's resting.
Sir Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead knight when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Baron: No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable lad, the John de Grey, innit, eh? Excellent lineage!
Sir Praline: The lineage don't enter into it. He’s stone dead.
Baron: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!
Sir Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the helmet) 'Ello, Mister Jolly Kniggit! I've got a lovely fresh goblet of mead for you if you show...
(Baron hits the armour)
Baron: There, he moved!
Sir Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the helmet!
Baron: I never!!
Sir Praline: Yes, you did!
Baron: I never, never did anything...
Sir Praline: (yelling and hitting the knight repeatedly) 'ELLO KNIGHTY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Bashes the knight about the helmet a couple of times, lifts him up and down a couple of times then lets him go and watches him collapse to the floor.)
Sir Praline: Now that's what I call a dead kniggit.
Baron: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Sir Praline: STUNNED?!?
Baron: Yeah! You stunned ‘im, just as ‘e was wakin' up! John De Greys stun easily.
Sir Praline: Now look, sire, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That knight is definitely deceased, and when I purchased ‘im not 'alf an year ago, you assured me that ‘is total lack of movement was due to ‘im bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged siege.
Baron: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably psyching himself up for battle.
Sir Praline: PSYCHING UP for BATTLE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did ‘e fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im to the Holy Land?
Baron: The John De Grey prefers kippin' on ‘is back! Remarkable bloke, in’e, sire? Great lineage!
Sir Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that knight when I got ‘im there, and I discovered the only reason that ‘e had been standing up in ‘is armour in the first place was that he had gone stiff.
Baron: Well, o'course ‘e’s gone stiff! But listen once all that wears off, ‘e’ll grab his sword out of his scabbard, head straight for the nearest Saracen, and POW! 
Sir Praline: "POW"?!? Mate, this bloke wouldn't "pow" if you sent four million concubines at ‘im! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Baron: No no! 'E's preparing!
Sir Praline: 'E's not preparin’! 'E's passed on! This knight is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a corpse! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If ‘e hadn't gone stiff in his armour 'e'd be clogging up the scrap heap! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's ‘opped the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-KNIGGIT!!
(pause)
Baron: Well, I'd better replace ‘im, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry sire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of knights.
Sir Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Baron: (pause) I got a squire.
(pause)
Sir Praline: Pray, does it fight?
Baron: Yup.
Sir Praline: Right – I’ll ‘ave that one then.

From The Mind of Merc - Comebacks

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about some of the best comebacks in the world which, perhaps unsurprisingly, have come from women. Comebacks such as when Muhammed Ali was travelling on an aeroplane, he was asked to fasten his seatbelt.

His response: "Superman didn’t need no seatbelt."

The airhostess’s reply: "Superman didn’t need no airplane either."

Or when Noel Coward commented on Edna Ferber’s choice of clothing by saying "You look almost like a man", Edna Ferber replied "So do you."

Not even women are safe from female retorts. For example, when Miriam Hopkins encountered a wannabe starlet and was told "Did you know I’ve insured my voice for a thousand dollars." Hopkins response was "That’s wonderful. What did you spend the money on?"

Ilke Chase experienced a similar situation when an actress approached her and said "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?" An unphased Ilke retorted "Darling, I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it for you?"

And there is, of course, the infamous encounter when Clare Booth Luce moved aside from a doorway to allow Dorothy Parker to go through first and remarked "Age before beauty." To which Dorothy Parker immortally replied "Pearls before swine."

When it comes to comebacks, Dorothy Parker is probably the queen of them all.

For example, on being told Coolidge had died, she remarked "How could they tell?"

After being interrupted on her honeymoon by a query as to why her book review was late she said "I’m too fucking busy, and vice versa."

Talk about Burn!

The wit displayed in these few simple sentences demonstrates how women can be (and are) incredibly funny, intelligent, talented, and capable of contributing so much but for some reason throughout history they have been oppressed, ignored, betrayed and lied to just so men can come out ‘on top’

I personally think it speaks volumes when the word ‘feminism’ doesn’t mean the rise of women to the subjugation of men but instead equality of the sexes (if you don’t believe me – after all, I am a woman – may I humbly suggest you look it up).

Feminism is an incredibly simple idea but a vitally important one for two crucial reasons.

1) Look at this list of women who have achieved amazing things but been sidelined by their male co-workers

- Rosalind Franklin: scientist whose work on DNA with Raymond Gosling led to Watson and Crick’s breakthrough

- Alice Guy: first female studio director and owner whose husband convinced her to combine their studios under his name

- Elizabeth Magie: created Monopoly 30 years before Charles Darrow – who sold it to Parker Brothers for millions

- Lise Meitner: physicist who discovered nuclear fission with Otto Hahn who won the Nobel prize but refused to give Jewish refugee Meitner credit

- Chien-Shiung Wu: a physicist who discovered the law of parity. Her 2 male colleagues men received the Nobel Prize for their work

- Margaret Keane: artist who created the ‘Big-Eyed Waifs’. Her husband convinced her (through threats) to put his name on them.

- Jocelyn Bell Burnell: the first person to observe radio pulsars. Her 2 male colleagues received a Nobel Prize for their work, unlike Burnell.

- Anna Arnold Hedgemann: organised the 1963 Washington march but left out of the “Big 6” who were credited with its organisation

- Margaret Hamilton: wrote the code that put the first men on the moon. But have you ever heard of her?

Imagine what they could have achieved if they’d been supported instead of downtrodden

2) Up until the 1970s(!), women did not have the following (what might be viewed as basic) right

- Women couldn’t protect themselves from workplace harassment

- Women couldn’t refuse their husbands sex – marital rape was not a crime

- Women couldn’t get a divorce for domestic violence – proof of a husband’s infidelity was needed for a divorce

- Women couldn’t get the morning after or birth control pill

- Women couldn’t receive direct consultation about their own physical or mental health

- Women couldn’t own a bank or open a bank account

- Women couldn’t be judges or serve on a jury

- Women couldn’t be astronauts

- Women couldn’t purchase athletic shoes or be part of the Olympic Games

- Women couldn’t get into ivy league university

- Women were obstructed from studying law

And while a lot has been achieved, there is still a LONG way to go.

Feminism is not even a female-only concept. For example:

This is what a feminist looks like:

And there have been many, many, examples of those who grasp just how important it is:

William Golding: I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and always have been.

Hugh Jackman: I’m for gender equality because it should never have been any other way

John Legend: All men should be feminists. If men care about women's rights the world will be a better place.

Mahatma Gandhi: Of all the evils for which man has made himself responsible, none is so degrading, so shocking or so brutal as his abuse of the better half of humanity, the female sex

Prince Harry: We know that when women are empowered, they immeasurably improve the lives of those around them – their families, their communities and their countries

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: What feminism means to me is that you don’t let your gender define who you are – you can be who you want to be, whether you’re a man, a woman, a boy, a girl, whatever

John Stuart Mill: The legal subordination of one sex to the other -- is wrong in itself, and now one of the chief hindrances to human improvement

But if you need further reasons why women are not to be underestimated or indeed messed with, consider this:

- Women are able to bleed for 1 whole week every month and not die

- Women are able to create life inside their own bodies

- Women are experts at doing multiple tasks all at once

- Women use both sides of the brain (men predominantly use only the left side of their brains)

- And finally, women are experts at getting blood out of clothing

Just remember – women are not the subjugators. The majority of women are not out to ‘control’ or oppress men. They do not want to get their own back. They want equality and an equality that will benefit everyone.

So maybe the answer to the question what does a feminist look like should be ‘Look in a mirror’

The Very Picky Caterpillar sketch - Mercorabilia

Are you sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll tell you a different perspective of a classic children's book.

Beetle: Oi! Oi, you! Come here

Caterpillar: (mouth full) What?

Beetle: What have you been doing?

Caterpillar: Nothing. (swallows) Just been feeling a bit peckish.

Beetle: I see. So that’s why you’ve taken a bite out of 3 plums. And yesterday you had 2 pears. And the day before that it was an apple.

Caterpillar: Well, I’m hungry.

Beetle: No, you’re not. If you were hungry you’d have eaten all of it – not just taken a bite and moved on to the next thing. What you are is picky – you’re a very picky caterpillar. 

Caterpillar: Sorry.

Beetle: And it’s a terrible waste of food – all that will have to be thrown away now. Just don’t do it again.

---

Beetle: Now look what did I tell you? Don’t do again I said. And what did you do? You bit four strawberries! Four!

Caterpillar: I’m just very hungry.

Beetle: Well, if you do it again you’ll be going to bed without supper. Now just behave.

---

Beetle: Oi! Where have you gone now? Hello! I know you’re here somewhere – there’s a trail of half-eaten food this way. There’s a…. and a … and a …. ! Come on. Come on out. Where are you? Oh.

Caterpillar: Hello.

Beetle: Hello. Can you help me? I’m looking for someone – he’s a caterpillar.

Caterpillar: Sorry. There’s no-one here but us butterflies.

Beetle: Oi! Oi, you! Come here

Caterpillar: (mouth full) What?

Beetle: What have you been doing?

Caterpillar: Nothing. (swallows) Just been feeling a bit peckish.

Beetle: I see. So that’s why you’ve taken a bite out of 1 apple, 2 pears, 3 plums, 4 strawberries, 5 oranges, one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream  cone, one pickle and one slice of Swiss cheese.

Caterpillar: Well, I’m hungry.

Beetle: No, you’re not. If you were hungry you’d have eaten all of it – not just taken a bite and moved on to the next thing. What you are is picky – you’re a very picky caterpillar. 

Caterpillar: Sorry.

Beetle: And it’s a terrible waste of food – all that will have to be thrown away now. Just don’t do it again.

Caterpillar: Ok. <continues eating>

Beetle: Oi! What did I just say? Now you’ve gone a bitten a chunk out of one slice of salami and one lollipop.

Caterpillar: But I’m hungry.

Beetle: Don’t start that again. If you do it again you’ll be going to bed without supper. Now just behave.

Caterpillar: Ok.

TWO WEEKS LATER

Beetle: Where have you gone now? Hello! I know you’re here somewhere – there’s a trail of half-eaten food this way. Look at it – one piece of cherry pie, one sausage and one cupcake. And did you really need to take a bite out of one slice of watermelon? Come on. Come on out. Where are you? Oh.

Caterpillar: Hello.

Beetle: Hello. Can you help me? I’m looking for someone – he’s a caterpillar.

Caterpillar: Sorry. There’s no-one here but us butterflies.

(Don't) Ruin My Life - !!!NEW!!!

Today I thought I'd 'correct' another song that sends the wrong message.
After all, why on earth would you want someone to ruin your life?!?

Ruin My Life Don't Ruin My Life not by Zara Larsson

I missed you pulling me close to you, yes -
I missed you
I wish I knew what you were when we met
I missed you

You set fire to my world, and you made my heart beat
Now I'm all on my own but I'm feeling so free
Baby, I found my strength
Let it take over me
Baby, why can’t you see

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

I missed you more than I know that I should
I missed you
Know you’re not missin' me too like you could
I missed you

You set fire to my world, and you made my heart beat
Now I'm all on my own but I'm feeling so free
Baby, I found my strength
Let it take over me
Baby, why can’t you see

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

I missed you, I missed you
Don’t wish you, Don’t wish you
Would come back, don’t come back to me
Come back to me, come back to me

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life, no
Don’t want you here near me at night, no
Near me at night, no, never at night, no
Don’t need you to be here at all
Cause you made it all wrong, but I made it all right, yeah
Don’t want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, you to ruin my life

From The Mind of Merc - English

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the English language and, in particularly, how it just doesn’t make any sense.

Want to know what I mean? Try this sentence:

Laid is pronounced like paid but not said and said is pronounced like bread but not bead and bead is pronounced like lead but not lead.

See what I mean?

I remember thinking at school that it was easier for students from other countries to learn English until my German teacher (who also taught English to German students) pointed out the unpredictability of verbs.

For example, for the past tense of most verbs, you just add ‘ed’ – ‘I walk’, ‘I walked’; ‘I look’, ‘I looked’. It gets a little more complicated with verbs like ‘eat’ (‘I ate’) and ‘run’ (‘I ran’) and then the rule book is just thrown out the window with verbs like ‘go’ – ‘I go’ which doesn’t become ‘I goed’ - instead it becomes ‘I went’(!)

Then you’ve got plurals trying to trick you.

For example: ‘child’ becomes ‘children’; ‘person’ becomes ‘people’; ‘tooth’ becomes ‘teeth’ and ‘mouse’ becomes ‘mice’. But then ‘fish’ becomes… well… ‘fish’. Just as ‘sheep’ becomes ‘sheep’

And then there’s words where we just don’t play fair:

For example:

In French, it’s ananas; in German, it’s Ananas; in Dutch, it’s Ananas; in Latin, it’s ananas; in Russian, it’s ananas. In fact, in most languages it’s some variation of ananas. And yet, in English, it’s pineapple(!)

There’s also the issue of words changing their meaning over time so that they can actually mean completely opposite things (contronyms).

For example:

Chuffed   - definition 1) delighted, pleased, satisfied

               - definition 2) annoyed, displease, disgruntled

Clip         - definition 1) to cut apart

               - definition 2) to attach together

I mean, how does it make sense that tear and tier sound the same but tear and tear don’t?

Try this one:

- Womb (ok?)

- Tomb (with me so far)

- Bomb (boom!)

Let’s move on. I’m worried that you’re not content with this content. Or that you object to that object. Maybe you need to read what you read again. You’ll have to excuse me there is no excuse for this shameful use of homographs.

But why stop when I’m on a roll:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There’re also homophones – words that ARE spelled differently yet sound the same.

For example: You should warn him it shouldn’t be worn like that.

Or how about the infamous silent letter. Like the k in knight? G in reign? Or b in plumb?

Here’s a (not-so) helpful guide to English language:

Word: Queue

Pronounced: Kyoo

Rule on how to pronounce: Write down 5 letters. Only pronounce the first one.

Make sense to you?

Funnily enough it transpires there are actually rules to help understand why English is the way it is. (And you've probably been applying it while you've been reading this. It is that English has alternating stress patterns that indicate whether related words are nouns (stress first syllable) or verbs (stress second syllable)

Noun: Record; Verb: Record

Noun: Contract; Verb: Contract

Easy when you know why

Also, did you know that adjectives in English have a set order that they must be in. this order is: opinion-size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun. Anything else just sounds odd.

For example you can have “lovely little old rectangular green French whittling knife” but mix up that order and you sound like a maniac

Not that that (haha) actually helps at all

And don’t even get me started on spelling and grammar because that just opens up the whole issue of using ‘I before E except after C’ – which btw (and no I’m not getting started on abbreviations) is a terrible rule as there are about 900 words that DON’T obey it(!)

But above all just remember that English can be weird. Yet it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to finish with a little poem from 1920. (Read it aloud if you dare)

Dearest creature in creation, 

Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!! 

Battleship sketch - Mercorabilia

A new twist on an old classic

*sound of naval radar*
Sailor: Enemy vessel detected, captain! 
Captain: Man the torpedoes.
Sailor: Torpedoes armed and ready, captain. Awaiting co-ordinates.
Captain: Target torpedoes latitude A, longitude 3.
Sailor: Latitude A, longitude 3 loaded, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired and landing in water*
Captain: Miss! Reload!
Sailor: Torpedoes reloaded, captain.
Captain: Aim for latitude A, longitude 4.
Sailor: Latitude A, longitude 4 – armed and ready, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Hit! Quickly! Quickly! Reload!
Sailor: Torpedoes ready, captain.
Captain: Aim for latitude B, longitude 4.
Sailor: Ready, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Hit! Quickly – reload! One more should do it.
Sailor: Torpedoes ready, captain.
Captain: Latitude C, longitude 4. Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Yes! That’s it! We’ve done! We’ve sunk their battleship!
*shouts and cheers*
Sailor: Message from HQ, sir. The enemy have admitted defeat. We’ve won!
*more shouts and cheers*
Captain: Well, that was a jolly good game, wasn’t it? Time to go back in the box. Make sure you’ve got all your parts with you.
Sailor: Aye, sir. Goodnight, Captain.
Captain: Goodnight.

When It All Hits The Fan - !!!NEW!!!

The language of this post is slightly stronger than normal. But then I honestly can't understand just how we've ended up in such a disastrously nightmarish situation.

When It All Hits The Fan According to Plan not by Danny Elfman

Tory 1               It's a beautiful day

Tory 2               It's a rather nice day

Tory 1               A day for a glorious voting

Tory 2               It’s only for us dear, to be perfectly clear

Tory 1               Only for us still a glorious voting

Tory 2               Assuming nothing happens that we can’t bury deep

Tory 2               That nothing unexpected causes us to lose sleep

Tory 1 & 2        And that's why every thing

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong

Tory 1               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 2               Our man he will win it

Tory 1               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 2               Though they thought he blew it

Tory 1 & 2        Elevated to the top of the government

Tory 1               He will be on top

Tory 2               He will top the lot

Tory 1               Running England how it should be

Tory 2               Not just how we wish it would be
Tory 1 & 2        He'll be great, he’ll be seen

Giving laws to the queen
We'll forget everything (else)
That there’s ever, ever been

Tory 3               For f*ck’s sake

 It's a terrible day

Tory 4               (I) suppose you could say

Tory 3               It's a terrible day for a voting

Tory 4               It's a sad, sad state of affairs we're in

Tory 3               That has led to this ominous voting

Tory 4               How could our party have sunk down to this?
Tory 3 & 4        To hand over our leadership to that Boris

Tory 3               He’s so racist

Tory 4               An @rse          

Tory 3               Oh how’d this come to pass

Tory 4               How it came to pass? I'm afraid it’s plain to see

 We wanted power, wealth, fame and lots of money
 Without a thought of the outcome
 (‘Til) it hit you, and me

Tory 3               Oh dear

Tory 3 & 4        And that's why everything

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong

Tory 3               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 4               Our party is doomed

Tory 3               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 4               Our country is too

Tory 3 & 4        Fated to a life of misery

Tory 3               And it is all down

Tory 4               To our gluttony

Tory 3 & 4        And who'd have guessed in a million years

 That that pillock with a mop

Tory 4               Like he’s a bird’s nest on top

Tory 3 & 4        Would be chosen out of all our current crop

British Public     Oh dearie me - What if Boris isn’t who... I want to win?

Tory 3               As if that has anything to do with politics. Do you suppose you always get to chose who’s     in charge?

British Public     Surely we must...for fairness...

Tory 3 & 4        Of course not!

Tory 3               Get those viewpoints aligned properly...I don’t want to hear your opinions
 Politics aren’t democratic. It’s not as plain as that
 You'd think a lifetime watching us
 Might have taught them that
 Might have taught them that

Tory 4               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 3               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 4               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 3 & 4        Everything’s gone so wrong now wrong now

Tories 1,2,3&4  That’s why everything

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong
 When the sh*t hits the fan

(And I don't think much of Jeremy *unt either!)

From The Mind of Merc - Boris's Job Application

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the Tory leadership contest and, more specifically, the slightly unbelievable favourite.

It hardly seems credible that he could even be considered given his track record. I mean, what if it was like an actual job application, would he even get an interview? It was the thought of this that inspired me to write this sketch (slightly unusual for a Mind of Merc post but here we go):

Interviewer: So, Boris, thanks for coming in today

Boris Johnson: My pleasure.

Interviewer: I understand you’re applying for the post of ‘Prime Minister’, is this correct?

Boris Johnson: Of course it is. You’ll see from my CV that I have all the necessary credentials.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Yes. Well, let’s start with the first question. Could you give an example of a campaign you’ve led that’s been successful?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely – have you heard of a little thing called the Leave campaign? I think you’ll find that was incredibly successful. And I was one of the main leaders for it.

Interviewer: What input did you have?

Boris Johnson: Oh, I came up with some of the key elements to it. You remember that fab little line about the NHS getting £350 million? That was one of mine.

Interviewer: Which was a lie.

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And wasn’t that the campaign that was proven to have broken electoral law?

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And didn’t it bother you that you’d previously extolled the benefits of staying in the EU so you were basically contradicting yourself.

Boris Johnson: Of course not. A man’s allowed to change his mind, isn’t he?

Interviewer: And you still stand by your new stance, do you?

Boris Johnson: Oh yes. I think Brexit is going to be a “titanic success”.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Right. I think we should move on. Ahem. Could you give an example of a role you’ve held where you’ve benefitted those for who you were responsible?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely. As Mayor of London – a position I held from 2008 to 2016 – I oversaw many projects that were of great benefit to the residents of London.

Interviewer: Like?

Boris Johnson: I bought water cannons to improve security and heighten the citizens’ sense of safety.

Interviewer: These would be the water cannons that were never used.

Boris Johnson: Which just shows how effective they were.

Interviewer: And which you sold at a £300,000 loss.

Boris Johnson: Couldn’t be helped.

Interviewer: Are you sure about that?

Boris Johnson: Yes. Anyway – it wasn’t my money.

Interviewer: Yes. You don’t seem particularly concerned about other people’s money. Or lack of it. Wasn’t one of your moves as mayor to condemn social housing as being “not good for people” and also to decrease the amount of affordable housing?

Boris Johnson: That was for the greater good. After all if you can’t afford a house you shouldn’t have one. Common sense.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Ok. Ahem. Would you say you’re accepting of other races and cultures?

Boris Johnson: Oh, definitely. I was Foreign Secretary after all. And I know lots and lots of “picanninies”.

Interviewer: Picanninies?

Boris Johnson: Yes. You know – those people with the “watermelon smiles” who come from “that country” of Africa.

Interviewer: Country???

Boris Johnson: Yes. Although I have to say, I think they’d be doing a lot better if we were still in charge. And as for those Muslim women who “choose to go around looking like letterboxes”. I mean, you’d think they were out to rob a bank or something. It’s absolutely ridiculous!

Interviewer: (hurriedly trying to move the interview on) Er… what would you say are your biggest strengths and could you give an example?

Boris Johnson: Loyalty to a cause - I’m passionate about supporting the best course of action.

Interviewer: The best course of action for who?

Boris Johnson: …For whoever it needs to be at the time.

Interviewer: I see – and that would be why as a member of the Conservative party you both voted for and against Theresa May’s deal at different points and were one of the first people to apply for this role when it came available.

Boris Johnson: Oh, and I’ve also a good eye for opportunities.

Interviewer: Right. Finally, I see you’ve put down some interesting references.

Boris Johnson: Yes, including the President of the United States.

Interviewer: (interested). Oh. Which one?

Boris Johnson: Donald Trump.

Interviewer: Oh.

Boris Johnson: Yes, lovely chap. He’s very supportive. I’m his favourite to take the job and he’s even quoted as saying that I’m a good man.

Interviewer: I see. Well, that clinches it. I think there’s only one thing I can say to that, Mr. Johnson.

Boris Johnson: What’s that?

Interviewer: NEXT!