Door number 31:
In my spare time I write parody songs, sketches and captions which I’ve decide to post here on my blog. You’ll be able to tell my eclectic comedy taste from some of the references and I freely admit my influences include Spike Milligan, Ronnie Barker, John Finnemore and Michael Bernstein (my Year 8 English teacher). The blog title is from Queen Victoria being famously misquoted as saying “We are not amused” so I’m using the correct quote, as mentioned in her diaries, of “I was very much amused"
Thursday, 31 December 2020
Wednesday, 30 December 2020
Tuesday, 29 December 2020
Monday, 28 December 2020
Sunday, 27 December 2020
Saturday, 26 December 2020
Friday, 25 December 2020
Thursday, 24 December 2020
Wednesday, 23 December 2020
Tuesday, 22 December 2020
Monday, 21 December 2020
His Dark Materials Advent Calendar – 21
Sunday, 20 December 2020
Saturday, 19 December 2020
Friday, 18 December 2020
Thursday, 17 December 2020
Wednesday, 16 December 2020
Tuesday, 15 December 2020
Monday, 14 December 2020
Sunday, 13 December 2020
Saturday, 12 December 2020
Friday, 11 December 2020
Thursday, 10 December 2020
Wednesday, 9 December 2020
Tuesday, 8 December 2020
Monday, 7 December 2020
Sunday, 6 December 2020
Saturday, 5 December 2020
Friday, 4 December 2020
Wednesday, 2 December 2020
From The Mind of Merc - Hypocrisy
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about Hypocrisy.
The Tories various failings to fulfil their duty to run the country (instead evidently preferring to run it into the ground) have led numerous people on numerous occasions to query the correct definition of democracy – which struck me as the Tories providing us with a valuable vocabulary lesson. It also occurred to me that they’re teaching us exceptionally well about another word – hypocrisy.
The most glaring and recent example has to be Boris Johnson’s declaration that bullying will not be tolerated in Whitehall… despite refusing to dismiss Home Secretary Priti Patel when an independent investigation found her guilty of exactly that.
But this is far from the only example. There is also the instance of the Tories on the one hand extolling to the public to do their bit to ‘Save the NHS’ and on the other undermining it, underfunding it, and selling bits of it off. They have since compounded their own duplicity with a parliamentary meeting in which 50 people crammed into a room that was only supposed to hold 29.
And let’s not forget the school meals fiasco with the exorbitant sum of free school meals meaning the government was loath to fund them… despite the fact that it’s equivalent to the amount they spent on PPE contract for face masks (handed without tender to a wealth advisory firm with links to the Tories) that turned out to be unusable.
So if there’s one thing you can say about this government, it’s that they’re educational. Aren’t we lucky!
Monday, 16 November 2020
A Son To Succeed - !!!NEW!!!
I realised that I didn't have a parody song for Henry VIII(!) Which considering I'm a huge Tudor nut (in case you haven't guessed) is frankly astonishing. So I decided to rectify this. But which song to choose? Luckily, I had a Henry expert on hand to make a suggestion. Here is the result.
A Son To Succeed not by The Hollies
To fill my father’s wish it must be
said
There is one thing that I must do
He told me that I had to have a child
And to be fair I’ve had a few
But it’s not so plain,
‘Cause there is a key condition
To complete my task
Must make some tough decisions
If my queen cannot do what’s asked of
her
Then I must look to find another
You see all I need is a son to
succeed when I am gone
All I need is a son to succeed before too long
All I need is a son to succeed
Then I must look to find another
You see all I need is a son to
succeed when I am gone
All I need is a son to succeed before too long
All I need is a son to succeed
Succeed...
Saturday, 7 November 2020
Bye Bye Bigot - !!!NEW!!!
A little parody song to celebrate the result of the US Presidential Election.
Bye Bye Baby Bye Bye Bigot not by Bay City Rollers
We still you hate you for all that
you say
Can't stand that stuff any longer
So gonna tell you go away
Bye bye bigot, bigot goodbye (bye bigot,
bigot bye bye)
Bye bye bigot, your time is nigh (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
You're the one man we never wanted
We were determined and were undaunted
We’d see you ousted
Couldn’t stand you you’re just so racist
With your Twitter you would not desist
Took so long but now you’re gone so
Bye bye bigot, bigot goodbye (bye bigot,
bigot bye bye)
Bye bye bigot, your time is nigh (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Wish we could forget that you were
here
When you leave town we all will cheer
Gee, how good it will be for we
Shouldn’t have got in last time so true
But now you’re done so won’t feel blue
You lost see and now we’re free so
Bye bye bigot, bigot goodbye (bye bigot,
bigot bye bye)
Bye bye bigot, your time is nigh (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Bigot, bye bye (bye bigot, bigot bye
bye)
Bigot, bye bye (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Bigot, bye bye (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Bigot, bye bye (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Bigot, bye bye (bye bigot, bigot bye bye)
Thursday, 5 November 2020
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Lockdown - !!!NEW!!!
Had to be done really.
It's Beginning to Look a
Lot Like Christmas Lockdown not by Bing Crosby
It’s
beginning to look a lot like lockdown
Everything is
closed
We’re all
looking to No. 10 - The PM’s delayed again
He means what
he says but does he say what he means
Who knows?
It’s beginning
to look a lot like lockdown
All our plans
are gone
But there is
still a chance in sight, if we all do it right
So we’ll carry on
It’s true
it’s not a nice place and it’s such a disgrace
That we can’t all do as we please
Limits
imposed we all feel so enclosed
And not free to just take our ease
(But) if we adhere the end is near for awful days like these
It’s
beginning to look a lot like lockdown
Everything is
closed
It isn’t that
much to ask - Stay home or wear a mask
And wash your
hands or else our chance
Is hosed
It’s
beginning to look a lot like lockdown
(But)
There’s no need to cry
‘Cause there’s more than enough loo rolls
So please think of other souls
And don’t
panic buy
It’s
beginning to look a lot like lockdown
All our plans
are gone
But there
is still a chance in sight, if we all do it right
So we’ll carry on
‘Cause, the lockdown is
on
Sunday, 1 November 2020
From The Mind of Merc - Contradictions
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, possibly inspired by a certain announcement, I was thinking about contradictions.
Leaving aside from the ample instances said announcement provided (e.g. Important to take action now says the man who's been delaying lockdown for weeks), there is still another prevalent issue which demonstrates my point.
For example:
Don't see the irony in that? How about:
Still nothing? Ok - last chance:
Saturday, 31 October 2020
Bessie - !!!NEW!!!
Two historical parody songs in one month! I'm spoiling you!
Ruby Bessie not by Kaiser Chiefs
Sadly it must be said my
marriage is dead
'Cause there's no little boy in the royal cot bed
If there’s one thing I need, it’s a son to succeed
But my dear queen it seems cannot give this to me
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
We’ve been married so long back
since fifteen oh nine
It all started so well thought that we would be fine
But now it’s looking bleak and I keep losing heart
I need to find something new maybe make a fresh start
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Could it be could it be that
you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really all down to me
Could it be could it be that you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really over for me
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Monday, 12 October 2020
I'm The One That You Want - !!!NEW!!!
Given how hard it is to write satirical parodies these days (seeing as real life is tending to exceed anything that comedians could come up with), I thought I'd revert to my previous historical parodies.
You're The One That I
Want I'm The One That You Want not from Grease
My name’s
Kat-
herine Howard
And so pure it would seem
Though new at court was not long until
I became the new queen!
I started
so young
'Cause of just one man
So innocent – had no clue
I soon came undone
But that was his grand plan
Manox if he only knew
That I want
That I wanted someone new
I’m the
one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true
Ever
since I
Was a young girl
Men they all wanted me
They would woo and caress me
All the day
So then I
moved on
I found a new man
Oh what a man
Who I treated as a spouse
But even Dereham
Has now been surpassed
Because at last
My destiny has now come
Now the
queen
To his will I will succumb
I’m the
one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true
I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true
I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true
The one that you want!
Thursday, 1 October 2020
From The Mind of Merc - Leadership
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about leadership.
According to the Center for Creative Leadership, the 10 characteristics of a Good Leader are: integrity, ability to delegate, communication, self-awareness, gratitude, learning agility, influence, empathy, courage, respect.
So how does our own leader, the inexorable Boris Johnson, stack up:
1) Integrity - Nope. He'll back whatever horse is winning
2) Ability to delegate - (as in facilitate teamwork rather than pass the buck so) Nope!
3) Communication - Nope. Incredible stutterer though.
4) Self-awareness - Ha! Nope.
5) Gratitude - Definitely not (clapforNHS does not count)
6) Learning agility - (ability to know what to do when you don’t know what to do) Absolute fail!
7) Influence - (through logical or emotional appeals) Could have done - if he didn't ignore his own rules
8) Empathy - Given block of Grenfell recommendations and NHS pay rise, Nope!
9) Courage - More like cowardly lion. The man hid in a fridge to avoid an interview!
10) Respect - With comments like piccaninnies and watermelon smiles, does he know what this means?
Don't agree with the list? How about Forbes - they define 8 Essential Qualities of Great Leadership as: sincere enthusiasm, integrity, great communication skills, loyalty, decisiveness, managerial competence, empowerment, charisma.
Let's break them down again:
1) Sincere enthusiasm - Again not convinced he knows what this means
2) Integrity - Nope.
3) Great communication skills - See above.
4) Loyalty - In this instance it means to employees etc. so Nope.
5) Decisiveness - Ha! He's U-Turn Central
6) Managerial competence - Ditto
7) Empowerment - Hell no. He wants it all.
8) Charisma - Again not a word I'm convinced he's familiar with
Still not trusting the source? How about the government's own website? An article on there says there are 11 key features of leadership. (Paraphrased) these are: understand how to have positive impact, be prepared to lead, win and retain respect, motivate and inspire others, clear sense of purpose and direction, good communicator, lead the delivery, manage your energy, build the right team around, trust your instinct, accept that we all make mistakes.
So one more time:
1.
Understand how to have positive impact - Nope!
2.
Be prepared to lead - Nope. Hid in a fridge.
3.
Win and retain respect - Nope.
4.
Motivate and inspire others - Definitely nope. Have you seen the number of anti-maskers out there?
5.
Clear sense of purpose and direction - Nope. U-turn Central.
6.
Good communicator - Nope again.
7.
Lead the delivery - More like avoid the blame.
8.
Manage your energy - Ok, this one he can do. He's very good at taking holidays - even illegal ones!
9.
Build the right team around you - If this means right for him, yes. If right for everyone else, nope!
10. Trust your instinct - Again, he can do this one. But given he fails the others, this is not good thing.
11. Accept that we all make mistakes - Nope. It's never his fault (apparently).
Webster's dictionary defines accountability as:
the quality or state of being accountable
especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actionsI wonder if he, or indeed anyone in the Tory government, is aware of that.
Monday, 28 September 2020
What time is it, Eccles (modernised) - Mercorabilia
I'm a big fan of The Goon Show and, inspired by a comment I saw online, I thought it'd be fun to try and create how the infamous 'What time is it?' skit if it had been written using modern technology.
Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I, I've got a screenshot of it ’ere on my mobile.
A nice man did it for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
Eccles: Well, umm, if a anybody
asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
Eccles: What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It's showin on this screenshot here, what is eight o'clock,
is showin.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the
fella to do it for me, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it
isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles: Ah, den I don't show it
to dem.
Bluebottle: Ooohhh...
Eccles: [Smacks lips] Yeah.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles: I've got a screenshot of
it on my mobile!
Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a mobile phone with the time
screenshot on.
Eccles: Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles: Yah.
Show Black Matters - !!!NEW!!!
Given the recent shameful outcome over Breonna Taylor's murder, I felt it was appropriate to share this. #BLM
Show Black Matters not by Irving Berlin
Black lives matter like (all) lives matter but black lives are
threatened
Everyone needs to understand about this, the point is simply to stop wrongs and
Anyone who knows they’re not a racist just cannot resist to take a stand
Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Even if you can’t see similarities, that doesn’t mean that their life
should cease
Nobody is perfect, you can guarantee, and
they shouldn’t be dead
Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Are no longer part of this world because
Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Were thought by corrupt cops to (have) broken laws.
We sadly bid these poor people goodbye, they shouldn’t have been killed should
they - so why?
Black lives matter like (all) lives matter so don’t tell me that’s wrong
Everyone upon this earth’s a person, regardless of the colour of their skin
We cannot allow racism to worsen, it’s a perversion, don’t let it win
Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Why’s this still an issue it just seems so wrong, it’s been going on for far
too long
There shouldn’t be a reason to write this song and they shouldn’t be dead
You hear again in all the newspapers that a black person’s been killed again
How is it, the victims are the traitors? Ignore
the haters, this all must end
Even though the bias seems to reach up high, that doesn’t mean this
thinking should fly
We will never let this injustice go by, as they shouldn’t be dead
Tuesday, 1 September 2020
From The Mind of Merc - COV-ID Deniers
It led me to create this cartoon:
Saturday, 29 August 2020
The One That You Forgot - !!!NEW!!!
You’d just finished with Bessie - on me you were set
And it seemed not long after, I became your mistress
All the gifts and rewards they went to my head
Who was I to know that you’d cause such distress
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot
My husband had to accept my life of sin
And then eventually, I gave birth to your son, oh
My sister wanted to be great
She turned your head with words and I soon found you’d gone
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot
The one that you forgot
She couldn’t give you a son you see, no
I bet you wish that you had chosen me, whoa
And soon she paid the price
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot
The one (the one)
The one (the one)
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot
Monday, 10 August 2020
Shout Out To My Ex (Boss) - !!!NEW!!!
Seems he doesn’t need me any more
That’s why he kicked me out the door
Don’t know quite what he did that for
Hope he doesn’t regret what he did, no
Find that I’m the one that he wanted
Good luck, sir - cause you will need it
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out
But yet you seemed to forget this
After you got what you wanted
You thought you could get by without me
So now I’ve more time on my hands
And though it seems I’m at a loss, maybe
There’s a point I want to get across, today
Cause you will learn just what you lost, what you lost, uh
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out
(No need to curse)
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out
(Yes you wanted me out)
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
(Just look at what you’ve done now)
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out
Friday, 31 July 2020
From the Mind of Merc - Good and Bad Deeds
Friday, 24 July 2020
F*ck You - !!!NEW!!!
Lily Allen's 2009 song Fuck You was apparently written about George W. Bush. However, I figured a lot of the lyrics were still prevalent and - with a little tweaking - could easily be about the current incumbent. So tweak I did.
Look inside your tiny mind
If you even can find it
'Cause we're so uninspired
So sick and tired of all the hatred you emit
It's not okay to be gay
Well, I think you're just evil
You're just some racist whose full of disgraces
Your point of view is medieval
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch
Do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
Don’t want to be like Obama
(Yet) It's approval you're after
Well, that's not how you find it
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control, you see
And you’re really distasteful
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you
You think the virus is a hoax
Well, we wish that you were one
'Cause it's people like you that need to get slew
No one wants your opinion
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So, please don't stay in touch
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)