From The Mind of Merc - Truth In Jest

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about this photo I found on the internet. Maybe Mossop & Keanrick knew what they were talking about after all.

Disney Life Hacks #16 - Ariel

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Ariel shares another of her top tips:

Hitler sketch - Mercorabilia

Apologies to John Finnemore for this one. It's inspired by his absolutely (as Arthur Shappey would say) BRILLIANT Herod sketch with a twist that occurred to me when one of the key lines popped into my head the other day. I hope you like it and are not too offended.
(I would just like to say that I am not trying to belittle or mock the terrible events that constituted the Holocaust or the Final Solution - more to ridicule the fatuous and nonsensical decisions and leaders behind it - Never Again)

Himmler: Morning, Oh Great Hitler - our mighty leader, fount of all wisdom, master of my destiny, before whom I am as the putz before the putsch. Oh hallowed Chancellor from w-

Hitler: Yes alright, Heinrich. We can dispense with the formalities.

Himmler: As you wish, mein Fuhrer. How can I be of assistance?

Hitler: Well, I’ve just had a rather odd dinner with three ministers who were passing through.

Himmler: Oh, yes? And which ones would they be?

Hitler: I don’t think I caught their names - they were just three passing ministers.

Himmler: Bit odd.

Hitler: I thought that. They said something rather worrying - we were talking about this and that and I happened to notice they had quite a lot of artwork with them and you know how I like art.

Himmler: Oh yes, majesty. You’re an artaholic.

Hitler: Haha. I really am. So I - you know - hinted I’d quite like a painting. And this chap said he was sorry but it was a present for a friend’s bar mitzvah. And anyway - to cut a long story short - it turns out they wanted to let me know that the war’s not going too well for the Axis powers.

Himmler: Ah.

Hitler: And I’m the leader of Germany.

Himmler: Indeed you are.

Hitler: Which is the main part of the Axis powers. So this will look very very bad for me.

Himmler: Well, if that’s the case.

Hitler: Hmm.

Himmler: Doesn’t mean it’s true though, does it? I point out you only have these men’s word for it even if they are in fact ministers. I really don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

Hitler: Hmm. I’m going to kill all the Jews in Europe and say it’s their fault.

Himmler: Well, that’s one way we could go - yes.

Hitler: So the first thing we’re going to need is quite a lot of men with brown shirts…

Himmler: Can I just recap – there’s a possibility the war’s going badly for us and this will make you look bad so we should kill all the Jews in Europe.

Hitler: Yes.

Himmler: And we’re not worried that might be a bit of an overreaction.

Hitler: Well, we don’t want these Jews causing even more trouble, do we?

Himmler: No, no, good point. Do we think it’s actually down to the Jews?

Hitler: Well, we can’t be too careful.

Himmler: I just wonder, sire, if there’s a slightly less genocidal solution to the problem. Like maybe reviewing our political strategies to identify weaknesses we can improve.

Hitler: No, I see where you’re coming from but I think I’ll stick with killing all the Jews – it’s just easier.

Himmler: I’m not sure it will be easier actually. I wouldn’t surprised if people were really quite cheeky about hiding their friends or running away from Europe. I mean they all respect you, oh great Fuhrer, but you know how funny people get. And it occurs to me that if we do… kill all the Jews but the progress of the war still doesn’t improve and in fact starts going even worse for us we’re going to be left with pretty red faces. And a lot of dead Jews. It’s going to be something of a public relations nightmare.

Hitler: I understand all that but I really think I need to go with my gut instinct on this one. I mean, losing the war? That would be really annoying.

Himmler: Ok. As it happens, mein Fuhrer, the wife and I live in Berlin.

Hitler: Oh, yes?

Himmler: Mmm. And strangely enough her cousin practices a different faith.

Hitler: Oh really? What religion is he?

Himmler: Jewish

Hitler: Oh, dear. I am sorry.

Himmler: Yes. The thing is I’m reasonably certain he’s not the cause of all Germany’s problems. And I’m absolutely certain he’s not affecting the outcome of the war by being Jewish.

Hitler: No, I believe you - of course I do - but we can’t be seen to be making exceptions. That would make us very unpopular.

Himmler: You know, I can’t help wondering, mein Fuhrer, if this actually less to do with the possible crisis that is possibly being caused by the Jews that some unidentified ministers told you about and more to do with getting back at them for being richer than you when you lived in Paris.

Hitler: Well, I couldn’t possibly comment but maybe next time they’ll remember who’s the sodding Fuhrer!

From The Mind of Merc - Lost Wisdom

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the wisdom of a certain well-known and loved public figure who we have recently lost and it got me wondering...

Is happiness, the greatest gift that we possess?

Should we thank the Lord when we’ve been blessed with more than our share of happiness?

Is this old world a wonderful place?

Are we the luckiest people in the whole human race when we’ve got no silver and we’ve got no gold and just a whole lot of happiness in our souls?

Is happiness an ocean tide?

Or a sunset fading on a mountain side?

Or maybe a big old heaven full of stars up above when we’re in the arms of the one we love?

Is happiness a field of grain lifting its face to the falling rain?

Can we see it in the sunshine?

Breathe it in the air?

Is happiness everywhere?

Would a wise old man tell us one time that happiness is nothing but a frame of mind and when we go to measuring our success that we shouldn’t count money but happiness because happiness is the greatest gift that we possess and we should thank the Lord when we’ve been blessed with more than our share of happiness

I think the answer to all the above is unequivocably yes.

Little Miss Muffet Strikes Back - Mercorabilia

My mum was clearing out some old paperwork the other day when she happened across this creation of mine which I wrote when I was 17. As this seemed the apposite place to do so I thought I'd share it.

Little Miss Muffet Strikes Back
A spider was sat on a tuffet,
Eating some curds and whey,
Then along came Little Miss Muffet,
Who the spider had frightened away,
She wasn’t looking so frightened,
She wasn’t looking so scared,
In fact she looked a lot braver,
Than normally she would have dared,
She waltzed on up to the spider,
A big grin all over her face,
The spider looked cautiously up at her,
Slightly unsure of his place,
Then Muffet produced a big aerosol,
That gave the poor spider a fright,
The writing around it said ‘Pest Killer’,
And the spider’s black fur turned to white,
The girl held the can up in front of her,
And aimed it straight at the spider,
She had no regret or remorse,
She had none of that stuff inside of her,
Her finger pressed down on the button,
The spray came out of the can,
The spider smiled a huge smile,
And whipped out a portable fan,
The draught caught the mist ad blew it right back,
Straight into the face of Miss Muffet,
She cough and spluttered and choked on the smell,
And the spider hope she might snuff it,
But then his luck started to change,
As Miss Muffet recovered quite well,
And her anger was growing inside of her,
As clearly the spider could tell,
He gulped and he murmured and said a quick prayer,
As Miss Muffet put her hand in her pouch,
And from it she drew (this made the bug jump),
A thing that would make him say ouch,
It was a big hammer, a monstrous slammer,
That made the spider quiver with fear,
She raised it up high and sneered down at him,
His doom was now perfectly clear,
She brought it back down as hard as she could,
So incensed was little Miss Muffet,
The spider waited until the last minute,
And then jumped off of the tuffet,
He said “If you really want it that much,
All you had to do was ask.”
Miss muffet snorted “Well, really,” she said,
“That’s too much of an arduous task.”
The spider said nothing about this,
But gave her the curds and the whey,
Then with a click of his heels and a wave of a leg,
The spider scampered away.
Little Miss Muffet sat down on the tuffet,
And began eating her curds and whey,
She put down her spoon and said with a sigh,
“This has been quite a day.”

Disney Life Hacks #15 – Alice

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Alice shares his top tip:

From The Mind of Merc - What If?

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about historical ‘what if’s – for example, what if Henry VIII had married Mary Boleyn (instead of Anne) and acknowledged and legitimised her son Henry – known to history as Henry Carey – particularly with respect to the royal succession.

(and yes, I am aware there’s debate over his paternity but for me a) this seems to be primarily based on Henry not formally acknowledging him and b) I doubt the Boleyns or Careys would be foolish enough to allow Mary to continue conjugal relations with her husband while she was a mistress of the King)

Well, for one thing, neither Elizabeth I or Edward VI would have existed. If Henry had stayed married to Catherine of Aragon until her death in 1536 and then married Mary Boleyn, the latter died in 1543 so it’s possible Henry VIII may only have had 2 wives (but still 2 daughters – Mary Tudor and Catherine ‘Carey’ – and a son; excluding the possibility of further children given Henry’s general ‘problems’ in this area).

Presuming all other dates and facts remain the same (although it’s highly unlikely they would have – e.g. the heir to the throne probably would not have married the daughter of a relatively obscure Welsh nobleman), on the king’s death in 1547, Henry ‘Carey’ would have become King Henry IX at the age of 21. He, in turn, would have succeeded (in 1596) by his son who would have been King George I (an English baron as opposed to a German royal). The line of succession would then presumably have gone:

Queen Elizabeth I (George’s daughter and only child) r. 1603-1635

King George II (youngest child and only son) r. 1635-1658

King George III (second son) r. 1658-1698

King Charles I (eldest son) r. 1698-1710

King James I (second son) r. 1710-1736

King Augustus I (only son) r. 1736-1755

King Frederick I (only son) r. 1755-1810

then either

King William I? (illegitimate eldest son - parents married aged 10) r. 1810-1857

King Maurice I (William’s eldest brother – also illegitimate) r. 1857-1867

King Francis I (Maurice’s eldest son) r. 1867-1896

King Charles II (Maurice’s second son) r. 1896-1916

Queen Swinburne (Maurice’s eldest daughter) r. 1916-1920

King Edgar I (Swinburne’s third son but the only one to outlive her) r. 1920-1937

Queen Serena I (Edgar’s daughter and only child) r. 1937-present

or (following the line of legitimacy):

King Thomas I (Frederick’s fifth but first legitimate son) r. 1810-1882

Queen Louisa I (daughter and only child of Thomas’s youngest brother) r. 1882-1899

Queen Eva I (Louisa’s daughter and only child) r. 1899-1964

Queen Mary I (Eva’s eldest daughter) r. 1964-1992

King Anthony I (Eva’s nephew) r. 1992-present

Alternatively, if the crown had followed the same route as ‘George I’s baronial title of Hunsdon (although the English crown – unlike English noble titles – does not follow Salic law and could be inherited by a woman) then the present incumbent would be King Vicary I r. 1986-present.

Interesting the way things turn out, isn't it?

Tick Tock poem - !!!NEW!!!

I wrote a poem today.

Tick, tock, tick, tock

That’s another minute gone

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Still time marches on

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Can’t anybody see

Tick, tock, tick, tock

What this is doing to me

Tick, tock, tick, tock

One moment I’m here

Tick, tock, tick, tock

And the next I’ll disappear

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Time will not stand still

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Not time - it never will

Tick, tock, tick, tock

And people soon will say

Tick, tock, tick, tock

It’s just another day

Tick, tock, tick, tock

That’s another minute gone

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Still time marches on

Disney Life Hacks #14 - Merlin

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Merlin shares his top tip:

King Stephen Was At Worthing Pier - Mercorabilia

A short one today.

I was going over a song in Shakespeare in my head  and the first line got kind of corrupted. This then inspired me to 'corrupt' the rest of it creating the following result:

(The original can be found here)

King Stephen was at Worthing Pier,

He’d been walking around the town;

He loved it when the sea was clear,

But seeing rainclouds made him frown.

He proudly strode wearing his crown.

He thought it made him look mighty:

Alas to them he looked a clown;

A comic sign for all to see.