Little Green Men sketch - Mercorabilia

Another short one today.

Man comes up to the side of a road. The man beside him is looking nervy.

Man 1: Are you ok?

Man 2: Huh?

Man 1: You seem a little shaken.

Man 2 looks around him as if to check he’s being watched and then leans towards Man 1. Man 1 leans in to hear what he says.

Man 2: I’ve seen little green men

Man 1: Really? Where?

The pedestrian crossing signal changes. Man 2 points at the green symbol across the road.

Man 2: There!

Man 2 runs screaming across the road

From The Mind of Merc - Unicorns

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics ad occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about unicorns and, more specifically, their inclusion in the bible.

My nan once told me that, when she read the bible, the description of a unicorn – rather than the mystical white equine creature of fantasy – sounded to her much more like a rhinoceros. This intrigued me - could a modern-day mythical animal have been created from a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of a much more common (and well-known) beast? I decided to investigate further.

On consulting the text, the biblical unicorn is described as an animal that:
- Has great strength (Numbers 23:22) and ferocity (Numbers 24:8)
- Has a single horn (Deuteronomy 33:17, Psalms 92:10)
- Is not suitable for menial tasks or perhaps untameable (job 39:10)
All of which do not seem to sit with the delicate, ethereal creature with which the word is associated today.
It is also perhaps telling that at one point (Isiah 34:7) unicorns are mentioned in the same context as bulls and bullocks – thus implying that they are beasts of burden not beauty.

The overall impression given is that my grandmother was right – the description of the unicorn in the bible does not fit with the traditional image of the majestic, single-horned (and often winged) horse and instead could be more suitably applied to the more rugged, native African creature – the rhinoceros.

During my searches, I found another theory that exists relating to biblical unicorns which suggests that ‘unicorn’ refers to some kind of wild ox which is now extinct. This theory was developed in 1899 by Johann Ulrich Duerst and likens the biblical unicorn to the auroch – an ancestor of modern-day cattle. It is based on the supposition that the Hebrew word ‘re’em’ (from which the word unicorn is derived) is based on the word ‘rimu’ –the name given to the one-horned oxen depicted in Mesopotamian reliefs showing King Ashurnasirpal out hunting. However, the aforementioned reliefs are inaccurate and the animals being hunted are purportedly shown with one horn to depict the ‘beauty’ of their two horns being symmetrical – depictions of the same animals in Egyptian art show them with two horns and ergo they are not uni-corns.
Some supporters of the oxen argument claim that the creature referred to in the bible has two horns – using references to ‘the horns of a unicorn’ rather than ‘the horns of unicorns’. However, even if this two horn theory is correct, it does not disprove the association of rhinoceroses and unicorns given that not all rhinoceroses have one horn – there are also the two-horned Bicornis –natives of Asia and Africa.*

The association of Duerst’s theory (and some modern translations) of unicorns with oxen could perhaps be explained when looking at the evolution of the rhinoceros – artistic impressions of the prehistoric manifestations of these creatures do not look like our current incarnations with their supposed furry bodies, exaggerated size, and placement of their renowned horn being much higher up on their heads. However, the transformation from these to their modern-day counterparts can be seen in the development of their skulls – from elasmotherium sibiricum (also known as the Siberian Unicorn) through the sinotherium lagrelii to hispanotherium matritense and rhinoceros unicornis.
Also, almost contemporary images of the re’em - such as that in the floor mosaic in the Basilica of San Giovanni Evangelista – match more closely with that of an antecedent rhinoceros than cave paintings of aurochs –i.e. both creatures that would have been around in and known to those of the biblical era and yet clearly distinguished (in depictions) from each other. 

Further investigation revealed a pre-existing association between biblical unicorns and rhinoceroses as in the original printing of the King James Bible, in 1611, in Isiah 34:7 when the word unicorn is used there is reportedly a footnote that says: “or rhinoceros”.
Also, the Douay-Rheims Bible (which precedes the King James Version) uses the word rhinoceros. As does the Latin Vulgate Bible – published c.400AD: “fortitudo similis est rinocerotis”. Noah Webster’s dictionary of 1828 even goes so far as to define ‘unicorn’ as: “An animal with one horn; the monoceros. This name is often applied to the rhinoceros”

This suggests the words were in fact interchangeable and hence why some versions use one and some the other and proves conclusively the perceptiveness of my grandmother in identifying the unicorn of biblical record as being none other than the cumbersome, ferocious, one-horned beast often found (although, regrettably, increasingly less so) in Africa and Asia.


* Even if the word re’em and rimu are linked it could be that the oxen were labelled rimu to heighten the impression of the beauty of their horn symmetry. Or they might have been incorrectly labelled as rimu as they were believed – from the image - to have one horn.

The Alternative Mermaid sketch - Mercorabilia

Today I thought I'd put pen to paper (or rather finger to keyboard) to write up the alternative ending to Disney's The Little Mermaid that I'd previously come across. It's so simple! And obvious! Although it would have condensed the film quite considerably.
This much in fact:

Ursula: Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know.

Ariel: But I don't have any -

Ursula: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is . . . your voice.

Ariel: My voice?

Ursula: You've got it, sweetcakes. No more talking, singing, zip.

Ariel: But without my voice, how can I -

Ursula: You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha!
[singing] The men-

Ariel: Alright - deal.

Ursula: Do you mind? I was in the middle of my favourite number!

Ariel: Well, I do have a prince to catch.

Ursula: Fair enough. Sign here.

Ariel signs contract with faint smile on her lips.
Ursula: Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea.
Now rings us glossitis and max laryngitis,
La voce to me!
Now . . . sing!

Ariel: [Sings.]

Ursula: Keep singing! 

Giant magical hands rip out Ariel's voice and take it to Ursula who stores it in her shell necklace. She laughs as Ariel is changed into a human and rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.

Fade to beach. Eric and Max are walking near castle.

Eric: [Playing flute.] That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? 

Max smells Ariel and gets excited.

Eric: Max? Huh . . . what, Max!

Max chases Ariel up onto a rock.

Eric: Max . . . Max - Quiet Max! What's gotten into you fella? [Sees Ariel.] Oh . . . Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - . . . you . . . seem very familiar . . . to me. Have we met?

Ariel nods

Eric: We have met? I knew it! You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? 

Ariel mouths "Ariel" but no words come out.

Eric: What's wrong? What is it? You can't speak? 

Ariel shrugs.

Eric: Oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. 

Ariel is trying to get his attention and mimes writing on her hand.

Eric: What is it? You want… you want something to write on? O-ok. Give me a minute.

Eric ferrets through his pockets and pulls out a scrap of paper and a stub of pencil

Eric: Here you go.

Ariel grabs the proffered instruments and begins to scribble away as best she can while Eric watches bewildered. After a while Ariel appears to get frustrated - what she wants to say won’t fit on the paper. She angrily crosses out what she’s written, turns the paper over and tries again. Once finished, she hands the paper to Eric who reads aloud.

Eric: “I am the one who saved you from the shipwreck. If you kiss me, I can prove it.” Oh. Oh, cool. Well, if it’s alright with you, miss.

Ariel nods – yes, it’s definitely alright with her. Eric leans forward and the two of them kiss.

Deep under the sea, Ursula’s shell necklace begins to glow.

Ursula: What the-? It can’t be.

The shell explodes and Ariel’s voice bursts out of it – singing the tune Ariel sang as it was taken - and rises to the surface; evading Ursula’s attempts to recapture it. It bursts out of the waves and heads straight for Ariel. Eric seems to recognise it. The ball of light collides with Ariel’s throat and Ariel’s voice is restored. Eric is stunned.

Ariel: Eric.

Eric: It really is you.

Ariel: I told you so.

Eric: Will you marry me?

Ariel: Of course.

Cut to: Eric & Ariel’s wedding ship leaves port. The merfolk rise up to wave her off. Ursula appears above the waves a short distance

Ursula: That little tramp.

Triton, who is a floating in front of Ursula, turns and sees her. His expression darkens and he raises his trident.

Ursula: Oh sh-

Triton: Ursula, stop!

Triton fires his trident and Ursula explodes into pieces. Satisfied, Triton turns back to watch the ship sail away.

Sixth Sense Sketch - Mercorabilia

A short one today.

Cole: I want to tell you my secret now.

Dr. Crowe: Okay.

Cole: I see dead people.

Dr. Crowe: Where?

Cole’s hand emerges from under the covers holding a TV remote which he points at a set across the room. The TV turns on to show a very old programme whose cast have all passed away.

Cole: There!

From The Mind of Merc - Hairdressers

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about hairdressers.

I rarely, if ever, frequent hairdressers. I just don’t like them and I don’t enjoy the experience. This is for several reasons. One is that – despite several attempts – I have never been able to relax in their chair. Secondly, the cost is fairly prohibitive. Thirdly, and above all, of the half dozen or so ‘professional’ haircuts I have had, there has only been 1 I have been completely happy with. That’s it – 1 out of 6. That means on at least 5 occasions (as there may be times where I have gone to a hairdressers but have blocked the experience from my memory) I have come out feeling unhappy, dissatisfied and, in some instances, on the verge of tears (which is then aggravated by having to pay for the travesty that has been inflicted).
I’ll give you some examples – last year I had my hair cut off for Cancer Research. At the time it reached down to my waist and I asked for it to be cut off and styled in a pixie cut with a sweeping fringe. What I came out with was an asymmetric cut which had neither a sweeping fringe nor was of pixie length. (I had to go to a friend of my mum’s to get something even remotely like what I had asked for).
At my most recent cut – for which I frequented a hairdresser favoured by my mum who was eager for me to ‘neaten’ the straggly parts of my hair (a notion which I did not object to) – I came out with the straggly parts duly trimmed but also with subtle ‘adjustments’ to the front of my hair which included the parts further back being shorter than those in front creating an almost inverted v shape on either side of my head (if that makes sense – it certainly did not make for a satisfied customer).

I think the main cause of this is the fact that the majority of hairdressers have become ‘trendy’ - they focus on styles or cuts which are fashionable (often at the expense of the traditional, plain or downwardly popular). Now for the fashion-obsessed minorities, this is probably ideal (however unfortunate the outcome may be). For the rest of us it is at best inconvenient and at worst a complete nightmare as this means that what they will give you is - not the haircut you want but - the haircut they think you should have.
This Is Wrong.
It is my hair – I know what I do and don’t want done to it. I am the one who has to walk around with the result visible to all. If I ask for my hair to be chopped off and be given a pixie cut, I do not expect to be given an asymmetric trim with considerable length left in it. If what I am asking for is not suitable for me – fine – then I will learn from my mistake but it should be my choice to make.
(There is also of course the connected issue of why their ability to cut hair means they will know what will suit their client. It may be said/thought to go with the job but I know of so many instances when that has proven not to be the case.)

Also, I think another reason is that, as many people frequent hairdressers, the hairdressers themselves have an expectation that any haircut they give does not have to be long-lasting or low maintenance. 
This is also wrong.
I am paying for A (singular) Haircut – not signing up for a hairdressing regime on which I am being forced to become dependent based on a) my lack of hairdressing skills or b) the inability of the business to give the customer what they want.
Not only is this unfair it is also infuriating – we should not be forced to repeat our unsuccessful custom especially when we have previously learned that this unlikely to result in us getting what we want or asked for.
(Given the so-called skill of these people) I should be able to get a haircut that is easily managed (or better yet requires little to no maintenance), matches what I asked for and what I want, and does not cost the earth. That is what would encourage me to return.
Also, as stylists are now creating ‘home brands’ which are designed to enable people to get ‘salon quality at home’ we should not be faced with barbers who seem to have the opposite intent.

But maybe I’m alone in this. Maybe I am one of a very few minority rather than those who do regularly frequent hairdressing salons and do come out with a haircut they wanted and/or asked for and therefore do not face this issue. But I can only speak from my experience.

What I struggle to understand is why it is so crazy to expect a hairdresser to dress YOUR hair in the way in which YOU want? It’s as if all hairdressers yearn to take part in elaborate and exotic hairstyling shows and the monotony and banality of the basic requests of their customers leads them to rebel in the only way they know how by attempting to add their own spin on these simple demands.
If this is the case then I feel they should stick to Girl’s World dolls and leave our own tresses blissfully unmolested. (Especially when they then want us to pay for what has been done to us).

I remember recently there was an advert in which restaurant patrons were invited to pay only what they thought their meal had been worth. The idea was to prove how cheap the vendor they were advertising was but oh, how I wish we could do that with hairdressers.
We should not have to put up with (and definitely not have to pay frankly ridiculous sums) for something which we did not and do not want, is irreversible (it is only through time and patience that the travesty inflicted on us can be eradicated), and affects our everyday lives. They see us for 30-40 minutes – everyone else sees us until it eventually grows out. 

It is our hair – it should be our decision and our choice.

Come Meet The Prince - !!!NEW!!!

I realised that I hadn't yet done a parody song to commemorate the arrival of the newest addition to the royal family (as I did for Prince George and Princess Charlotte) so I thought I'd rectify that.

Consider Yourself Come Meet The Prince not from Oliver!

Yes, come on and meet the prince
Yes, come on and meet the little Prince Louis
We've taken to him so strong
And that’s why we’re now singing this song
Yes, come on and meet him now
Yes, come on and meet the newest royal babe
He’s quite a special person
Grandson
Of the heir to the kingdom

We’ve had a chance to see
Prince Georgie
And Charlotte too
They’re the other two
But now
There is a chance to meet
Somebody new to us all
Come with me I’ll show you how!
Yes come on and meet Prince Lou
The cause of all of this fuss
Now is the time for celebration, yes it’s true
So come on and meet his Highness!

Yes come on and meet
The prince
Yes come on and meet...
The little Prince Louis
We've taken to him
So strong
And that’s... why...
we’re now singing this song
Yes come on and meet...
Him now!
Yes come on and meet...
The newest royal babe
He’s quite a special person
Grandson
Of the heir to the kingdom

So come join the party - celebrate the new baby              
He’s a source of glee for all
But it is best to be polite to his family
They are royalty after all!

Yes come on and meet Prince Lou
The cause of all of this fuss
Now is the time for celebration yes it’s true
So come on and meet His Highness!

Yes, come on and meet the prince
Yes, come on and meet the little Prince Louis
We've taken to him so strong
And that’s why we’re now singing this song
Yes, come on and meet him now
Yes, come on and meet the newest royal babe
He’s quite a special person
Grandson
Of the heir to the kingdom

We’ve had a chance to see
Prince Georgie
And Charlotte too
They’re the other two
But now
There is a chance to meet
Somebody new to us all
Come with me I’ll show you how!
Me I’ll show you how!

Me I’ll show you

Me I’ll show you

Me I’ll show you

Me I’ll show you

Me I’ll show you how!

I'll show you how!

Yes, come on and meet the prince
Yes, come on and meet the little Prince Louis
We've taken to him so strong
And that’s why we’re now singing this song
Yes, come on and meet him now
Yes, come on and meet the newest royal babe
He’s quite a special person
Grandson
Of the heir to the kingdom

So come join the party - celebrate the new baby              
He’s a source of glee for all
But it is best to be polite to his family
They are royalty after all!

Yes come on and meet Prince Lou
The cause of all of this fuss
Now is the time for celebration yes it’s true...
So come on and meet
Come on and meet

Come on and meet

Come on and meet

Come on and meet

His Highness!

Who Will Try - !!!NEW!!!

Today the NHS turns 70! And I hope it's still around in 70 years time.

Who Will Buy Who Will Try not from Oliver!
ROSE-SELLER
Who will try to help the nurses? Soon there won’t be any. (Repeat 4 times.)

MILKMAID
Will you try to help resolve our distress? To help resolve our distress?

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try to help the nurses?

MILKMAID
To help resolve our distress?

ROSE-SELLER
Soon there won’t be any.

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
No, can’t let it go! No, can’t let it go!

MILKMAID & STRAWBERRY-SELLER (At same time)
MILKMAID: To help resolve our distress?
STRAWBERRY-SELLER: No, can’t let it go!

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try to help the nurses? 

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
No, can’t let it go!

MILKMAID & KNIFE GRINDER (At same time)
MILKMAID: To help resolve our distress?
KNIFE GRINDER: Now, save it now!

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try?

KNIFE GRINDER
We must save it now

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
No, can’t let it go!

ROSE-SELLER & MILKMAID (At same time)
ROSE-SELLER: Who will try to help the nurses?
MILKMAID: To help resolve our distress?

KNIFE GRINDER & STRAWBERRY-SELLER (At same time)
KNIFE GRINDER: Now, save it now!
STRAWBERRY-SELLER: No, can’t let it go!

ROSE-SELLER, KNIFEGRINDER, MILKMAID, & STRAWBERRY-SELLER
R.S.: Who will try to help the nurses?
KG: We must save it now
MM: To help resolve our distress?
SS: No, can’t let it go!

KNIFEGRINDER
Who will try?

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
Who will try?

MILKMAID
Who will try?

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try?

OLIVER
Who will try to save the NHS?
Did you know it’s now 70!

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try to help the nurses?

OLIVER
We can’t let the government sell it.
No - that would be a travesty!

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
No, can’t let it go!

OLIVER
We need to use it at our leisure
Whenever things go wrong
For we should view it as a treasure
That’s why I sing this song

MILKMAID
To help our distress?

OLIVER
Who will try to save the NHS?
Time is nigh, can’t let it go by

KNIFEGRINDER
Now, save it now!

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
No, can’t let it go!

OLIVER
Me, oh my! We don't want to lose it
So what are we to do
To keep it going through?
We must make sure that people try...

STRAWBERRY-SELLER
Who will try?

KNIFEGRINDER
Who will try?

MILKMAID
Who will try?

ROSE-SELLER
Who will try?

ALL
Who will try?

ALL:
Who will try to save the NHS?
Did you know it’s now 70!
We can’t let the government sell it.
No - that would be a travesty!

Oh no - I am not being funny
Its value’s beyond price
But if we do not find the money
It’ll be gone in a trice

Who will try to save the NHS?
Time is nigh, can’t let it go by
Me, oh my! We don't want to lose it
So what are we to do
To keep it going through?
We must make sure that people try...

WASHING WOMEN
Oh no - I am not being funny
Its value’s beyond price
But if we do not find the money
It’ll be gone in a trice

INSTRUMENTAL

ALL
Who will try to save the NHS?
Time is nigh, can’t let it go by
Me, oh my! We don't want to lose it
So what are we to do
To keep it going through?
It’s simple really we must try...

Try!

From The Mind of Merc - Teenagers

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about Teenagers.

One of the most common comments made about teenagers is how ungrateful they are. They are renowned for exhibiting surly, uncooperative, occasionally offensive demeanours that tend to contradict both the characteristics they have previously displayed and also the behaviours desired or expected of them by others.

I have a theory to explain this which I formulated many years ago and have yet to find something to contradict it. This is that I believe teenagers experience a form of amnesia during these ‘formative years’ which results in a considerably altered sense of perception and consequently a dramatic impact on or change in their behaviour. I also believe it may actively block out positive experiences and memories that the individuals have experienced.
One of the main effects of this behaviour would be that teenagers are unable to remember anything that anyone has ever done for them, to help them or that was nice for them – which gives them the impression they have nothing for which to be grateful or thankful. I believe that it may mean they also either cannot recall positive or come to focus on purely negative aspects/experience of/from their life – in turn leading to downcast, reclusive and/or retaliatory demeanours. 
This exclusion of the positive may also mean a developed belief that their current experiences/life are less special than that of which they perhaps have a sense and consequently a resentment forms over the perceived fact that such days are now ‘over’.

I am unsure as to what could be the cause of such a state – my preferred theory is that it is due to a fluctuation in hormones or cerebral chemicals which teenagers experience as part of the developmental changes they undergo during these years. Another possible cause could be the mental or physical stress they go through. They are, after all, going through puberty which could be viewed as a potentially psychologically traumatic time – and they are also faced with sitting exams that will determine their future and consequently possibly any hopes of success in later life. 
Such things may not seem considerable in themselves to older individuals who have a) been through them and come out the other side and/or b) have since experienced incidents of greater or more significant magnitude, stress or effect but for someone with the limited life experience that teenagers possess it must seem, at times, almost insurmountable.

My reasoning for this stems from a moment I remember from my own teenage years where I asked myself what my parents had ever done for me and I honestly could not remember a single thing – not one incident occurred to me where my parents had done something to my benefit or aid. I know that sounds ungrateful and I don’t know why this was the case – particularly as towards the end of my teen years I began to be able to recall examples of my parents magnanimity and sacrifices.
This has led me to believe there is some thing that prevents or obscures the memories of people of teenage years from recalling and appreciating the current (& previous) positive aspects of their lives. Something blocks these positive memories which are crucial to appreciating and creating an accurate idea of their position in the world and in the affections of those around them. This same thing prevents them from realising just how much they mean or how far others would go for them and would consequently give them a sense of isolation, abandonment and increased disconnection – again potentially leading to resentment and consequently reactionary hostility.
As I say, my preferred suggestion as to the cause of this is hormones or some sort of chemical imbalance which is resolved by the time the individual reaches adulthood. 

I sometimes consequently wonder what impact this theory - if it was proved to be correct - would have on the teenage population.
Would it mean a remedial chemical or antidote would be formulated to combat the effects of this amnesia? Would it lead to a greater understanding and therefore acceptance of the emotional fluctuations experienced by and from teenagers? Or would it simply come to be an accepted fact and nothing would change?
Who knows?

Disney Life Hacks #18 – Pocahontas

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Pocahontas shares another top tip:

Nothing At All - !!!NEW!!!

This is probably some sort of sacrilege – I’ve written a parody song of the Greatest Showman showstopper ‘Never Enough’ turning the sentiment of the song on its head so it goes from being about everlasting love to short-lived love. I think the chorus is still pretty powerful.

Never Enough Nothing At All not from The Greatest Showman

I'm starting to move on now
Rebuilding my life
Won’t let myself give in
You seemed like a dream to me
But how I was wrong
Yet I won’t be suffering
I’ve moved on
Will keep going forward
Because now without you

All the days that we spent together
All the times you made seem better
Mean nothing (to) me at all
Nothing (to) me at all
All that we had was hollow and lean
Could promise me the world but you mean
Nothing (to) me at all
Nothing (to) me at all

To me
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing, to me
To me
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
To me
To me
To me

All the days that we spent together
All the times you made seem better
Mean nothing (to) me at all
Nothing (to) me at all
All that we were will now go unseen
Could promise me the world but you mean
Nothing (to) me at all
Nothing (to) me at all

To me
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing, to me
To me
Nothing at all
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing, Nothing
Nothing at all
To me
To me
To me

To me