Sue Gray Enquiry sketch - Mercorabilia

Funny sometimes how life can imitate life. The current political situation reminded me of a previous sketch I wrote about the Greek Graying crisis so I thought I’d parody my own work to reflect the situation:

Isn’t the Partygate crisis interesting? Not just for the situation they’re in but their reaction to it – it’s like they’re saying “I want an enquiry but I don’t want an enquiry”. Can you imagine that conversation…

Johnson: I need an enquiry.
Gray: Ok – how soon?
Johnson: Whenever you like.
Gray: And what is this for?
Johnson: Well I’ve got in a bit of situation over a party I had last year when everyone was supposed to be in lockdown and I need it all to go away.
Gray: I see. Well, I’ll conduct the enquiry but only if you agree to my terms.
Johnson: And those are…?
Gray: Cut the bullsh*t, the truth will out and the public gets to see my report in full.
Johnson: But they sound horrible.
Gray: Yes, but with a credibility rating like yours…
Johnson: Hmm. Tell you what. I’ll order the enquiry but only if you agree to my terms. And my terms are that I don’t have to do any of the things you just said.
Gray: I don’t think you understand how this works.
Johnson: But your terms just don’t work for me. And it’s not the way I do things.
Gray: But if you don’t accept the terms the enquiry will be pointless – you won’t be able to hold your head up in public, your credibility rating will be non-existent and any of your subsequent actions or agreements will be worthless.
Johnson: I know – I’ll talk to my people and see what they say.
Gray: About what?
Johnson: Whether or not to do one of your enquiries.
Gray: I don’t think you’re getting this. You need help – even if I did do the enquiry you need help because if you continue the way you have been then you’ll just end up out on your @rse with one of your ‘people’ in your place. And no-one is going to want to help a deceitful, uncompassionate has-been like you.
Johnson: Well, what do you suggest I do?
Gray: Have the enquiry!
Johnson: Why would I want to do that?
Gray: Gaaah! 

The crisis is already starting to impact on the country as their trusty police force is found distinctly wanting. Imagine what this could mean for future crime reports…

Police: Hello. Welcome to The Met. How can I help you?
Victim: I’d like to report a crime.
Police: Sorry – can’t help you.
Victim: What?
Police: We can’t do that.
Victim: Why not?
Police: We don’t investigate historical crimes.
Victim: But you’re the police!
Police: Yes – but  that doesn’t mean we investigate historical crimes.
Victim: Why not?
Police: Lack of evidence. Didn’t you bring any with you?
Victim: I thought as I was reporting the incident to the police that’d be your job.
Police: Ah – classic mistake, that.
Victim: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Police: (after a pause) Have you ever thought of becoming a PI?