The Ex-Kniggit Sketch - Mercorabilia

As I'm running out of month you're getting 2 for the price of 1.

First off, a sketch which given my hobby as a medieval re-enactor was pretty much inevitable

(A noble approaches a castle.)
Sir Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Baron does not respond.)
Sir Praline: Oi, you coward!
Baron: Who you calling Howard?
Sir Praline: (choosing not to correct him) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Baron: Sorry, we're closed.
Sir Praline: Never mind that, my lord. I wish to complain about this knight what I purchased not half a year ago from this very castle.
Baron: Oh yes, the, uh, the John de Grey... What's, uh...What's wrong with ‘im?
Sir Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with ‘im, my lord. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
Baron: No, no, 'e's uh... he's resting.
Sir Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead knight when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Baron: No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable lad, the John de Grey, innit, eh? Excellent lineage!
Sir Praline: The lineage don't enter into it. He’s stone dead.
Baron: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!
Sir Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the helmet) 'Ello, Mister Jolly Kniggit! I've got a lovely fresh goblet of mead for you if you show...
(Baron hits the armour)
Baron: There, he moved!
Sir Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the helmet!
Baron: I never!!
Sir Praline: Yes, you did!
Baron: I never, never did anything...
Sir Praline: (yelling and hitting the knight repeatedly) 'ELLO KNIGHTY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Bashes the knight about the helmet a couple of times, lifts him up and down a couple of times then lets him go and watches him collapse to the floor.)
Sir Praline: Now that's what I call a dead kniggit.
Baron: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Sir Praline: STUNNED?!?
Baron: Yeah! You stunned ‘im, just as ‘e was wakin' up! John De Greys stun easily.
Sir Praline: Now look, sire, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That knight is definitely deceased, and when I purchased ‘im not 'alf an year ago, you assured me that ‘is total lack of movement was due to ‘im bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged siege.
Baron: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably psyching himself up for battle.
Sir Praline: PSYCHING UP for BATTLE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did ‘e fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im to the Holy Land?
Baron: The John De Grey prefers kippin' on ‘is back! Remarkable bloke, in’e, sire? Great lineage!
Sir Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that knight when I got ‘im there, and I discovered the only reason that ‘e had been standing up in ‘is armour in the first place was that he had gone stiff.
Baron: Well, o'course ‘e’s gone stiff! But listen once all that wears off, ‘e’ll grab his sword out of his scabbard, head straight for the nearest Saracen, and POW! 
Sir Praline: "POW"?!? Mate, this bloke wouldn't "pow" if you sent four million concubines at ‘im! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Baron: No no! 'E's preparing!
Sir Praline: 'E's not preparin’! 'E's passed on! This knight is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a corpse! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If ‘e hadn't gone stiff in his armour 'e'd be clogging up the scrap heap! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's ‘opped the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-KNIGGIT!!
(pause)
Baron: Well, I'd better replace ‘im, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry sire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of knights.
Sir Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Baron: (pause) I got a squire.
(pause)
Sir Praline: Pray, does it fight?
Baron: Yup.
Sir Praline: Right – I’ll ‘ave that one then.