Shakespeare Rap Battle - Malvolio vs Roderigo

A return to using Whitney Avalon's brilliant creations as inspiration for my fifth rap parody.
(The inspiration for this one can be found here)

Princess Rap Battle – Galadriel vs Leia Shakespeare Rap Battle – Malvolio vs Roderigo

[Malvolio] No-one can think they are better than me
I'm the finest man around town – full of grandeur, that’s me
I will win this fight - don’t want you in my sight
I will make such short work of you because I am just always right
You better me? You're not posh enough
A drunkard beat a toff? You can’t stand long enough
You’d better listen well - get it through your thick dumb skull
You cannot beat me and truly I find this challenge dull

[Roderigo]
What an a-hole, really - it’s just so sad
Thinking you’re so perfect? Clearly you’re the one that’s mad
You’re not grand or high and mighty - you’re just unpleasant
Don’t forget you got taken down by a bunch of peasants
You want Viola? Well, that is plain to see
To think that she feels the same as you? Well, now that’s just vanity
When they were done with you there was nothing left of your career
And what you will soon find is that nobody sheds a tear     

[Malvolio]
What has your suit had, like thirteen rejections?

[Roderigo]
Maybe you should try focusing on detection
You’re brave to talk of suits when it was your clothes let you down

[Malvolio]
And it was being let down that made you look like a clown            

[Roderigo]
You're the clown and not me in your bright yellow hose
Thought you had won Viola but she turned up her nose
I am smarter, go farther, jewel barter, love martyr,
I worked harder for her ardour, while you’re just a non-starter
I travel the world while you're stuck back at home
Nobody loves you – your arrogance means you’re all alone
No matter what you say one thing is clear
Just admit it, you’re the one loser here

[Malvolio]
I will… never be hurt by your weak feeble barbs
It could be you would have more luck if you stayed off the carbs
They might fool me once but will not fool me again
‘Cause unlike you I’ll be using my brain
And I can go on, I survived, I’m still here, jerk
But your foolish mistake cost you your own life, you berk
Should know your place – right at the bottom
Just so pathetic, and so soon forgotten

Disney Life Hacks #10 - Snow White

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Snow White shares her top tip:

Stay - !!!NEW!!!

I have nothing against Jodie Whittaker – from what I’ve seen of her performances, I think she is an incredibly talented and capable actress. But I will still be sorry to see Capaldi go. So much so that I’ve penned a parody song to that effect.

Stay not by Alessia Cara

You think that your time has now passed by
Hoped the showrunner would change your mind
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, but you want to

Find a brand new flow but you don't have to go - no
You can stay as Capaldi

Living in the TARDIS, not a job to dismiss
Think how it fills you with glee                           
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, but you want to

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is
All you have to do is stay

Your character’s just starting to grow
Don’t think it’s the right time for you to go
You have so much more to give the show
Than you know, but you want to

Find a brand new flow but you don't have to go now
You can stay as Capaldi
Living in the TARDIS, not a job to dismiss
Think how it fills you with glee
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, and you know that

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is
All you have to do is stay

All you have to do is stay

So stay, yeah

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is stay

From The Mind of Merc - Rhyming Riddles

(Now my internet has finally been restored almost a month after moving (and the day after my 'go-live' date - hence the delay in this post))

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about rhyming riddles. And more importantly their solutions.

For example:

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood

About as much wood as a woodchuck chucks if a woodchuck could chuck wood

But given that woodchucks (or groundhogs) are not as adept as beavers as chucking wood this would not be as considerable as you might think.

According to Cornell, it is believed to be around 700 pounds.

If all the world were paper and all the seas were ink

If all the trees were bread and cheese, what would we have to drink?

Not ink obviously. Well, alright we would have it but who would want it?

The cheese, however, may prove more useful – whey may not be particularly appetising but it’s got to be better than ink!

Around the ragged rocks the ragged rascal ran

How many r’s are there in that? Now tell me if you can

The answer to this is apparently none (of which I’ve never been convinced) but I suppose it’s true if you take it to mean how many times does the sound ‘arr’ occur in the rhyme

As I was going to St. Ives,

I met a man with seven wives,

Each wife had seven sacks,

Each sack had seven cats,

Each cat had seven kits:

Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,

How many were there going to St. Ives?

One. Me.

If you’re confused, the poem begins ‘As I going to St Ives’. It never says where the other 2752 mentioned are going.

(And if you're now puzzling over my maths I didn’t include the sacks as beings that were going to St Ives – just the man (1), his wives (7), the cats in each sack (7x49=343) and the kits of each cat (7x343=2401))

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Apparently this infamous riddle (which, ok, isn’t technically a rhyme) doesn’t have an answer but I think it does – it’s because they’re both black! Solved!* Next!

The man in the wilderness asked me,
How many strawberries grew in the sea?
I answered him as I thought good,
As many as red herrings grew in the wood.

An interesting little rhyme which supposedly suggests one is as daft as the other. 

BUT there are actually strawberries under the sea! If you don’t believe me, take a look. And, if you’re being extremely obtuse, you could say some red herrings grow in the wood – for example, if a crime thriller author decides to pen their latest work whilst taking a wander through a copse – voila! Red herrings would grow in the wood!

What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning,

two legs at noon and three in the evening?"

The riddle of the deadly sphinx.

The answer to which this is man (crawls as a baby, walks as an adult and uses a stick as a pensioner) but I think the answer could just as easily be a chair - starts of with 4 legs, loses 2 during its service life gets 1 replaced.

Out of the eater came forth meat and out of the strong came something sweet.

A biblical one this one - the answer to which is apparently 'The honey produced by bees nestled in the carcass of the lion he defeated.' 

However, could it not also be the food provided by birds for their chicks? Out of the bird that ate the worm comes the regurgitated meal and out of the strong parent comes the sweet sustenance their babies crave to survive.

There are, of course, also the numerous riddles posed by Bilbo Baggins and Gollum in J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' but maybe they're for another time.

* Aldous Huxley, however, believed the answer was ‘Poe wrote on both’