Shakespeare sketch - Mercorabilia

Happy Shakespeare’s birthday! And, in keeping with that sentiment, here’s a Shakespeare-themed sketch.

The question of whether Shakespeare wrote his own plays is an age-old debate. Not quite as old as Shakespeare himself though. Doubts about the Bard’s literary capabilities didn’t start creeping in until over 200 years after he died. Makes you wonder how he might have reacted if those kind of suspicions had been around while he was still alive...

Jonson: All right, Will?

Shakespeare: Yeah – not too bad. Yourself?

Jonson: Yeah – alright. ‘Ere listen, Will – there’s a rumour going around Southwark that you don’t exist?

Shakespeare: You what?

Jonson: Yeah. That you aren’t really here and all your work’s being done by some other git.

Shakespeare: You’re joking!

Jonson: No! Straight up!

Shakespeare: So who do they think I’m taking the credit for?

Jonson: Well, one bloke thought you was stealing off of Kit.

Shakespeare: Kit Marlowe? But he’s been “dead” for 10 years.

Marlowe: Ssh – don’t give me away.

Shakespeare: Nah – you’re alright, Kit. No-one’s looking.

Marlowe: Cheers, lads.

Shakespeare: Who else did they suggest?

Jonson: Er... Francis Bacon.

Shakespeare: That poof?

Jonson: Yeah. One guy – don’t know what he’d been drinking – said your longest word...

Shakespeare: Honorificabilitudinitatibus?

Jonson: Yeah, that. Well, he said it was a secret nod to the “real” author ‘cause, if you ‘unscrambled’ it, it made this big long phrase in Latin which basically says ‘Bacon was here’.

Shakespeare: But I can’t speak Latin.

Jonson: Exactly! I pointed that out and he just said ‘Well, that proves it.’

Shakespeare: Git.

Jonson: Prat.

Shakespeare: I can’t believe they’d think old Frankie Bacon wrote my plays.

Jonson: Neither can I. I mean, Frankie would never make some of the cock-ups you did.

Shakespeare: Like what?

Jonson: What do you wanna have a clock chime in Julius Caesar for?

Shakespeare: What’s wrong with that?

Jonson: They didn’t have chiming clocks when Julius Caesar was around.

Shakespeare: Oh. What did they do then? Beep or something?

Jonson: <sigh> Never mind.

Shakespeare: So what did you say when they were all slandering me like that?

Jonson: Well, I stood up for you.

Shakespeare: Did you?

Jonson: ‘Course I did. I said ‘Look, stop being a pillock. You can take it from me – Shakespeare’s the one who wrote those plays – every single one of them.'

Shakespeare: You did?

Jonson: Yeah. Then this other guy says ‘What do I know about modern literature?’

Shakespeare: And what did you say to that?

Jonson: I told him straight. I says ‘Listen, pal. I’m one of the finest playwrights and literary critics you’ll find round here. What’s more - I’m his contemporary. And if I say he exists – he exists.

Shakespeare: Ah – cheers, mate.

Jonson: No worries.

Shakespeare: So you reckon he believed you?

Jonson: Why wouldn’t he?

Shakespeare: Well, he might think you’re biased.

Jonson: Why? ‘Cause we’re friends?

Shakespeare: Well, yeah. Although really we’re more like rivals.

Jonson: Nah – we ain’t rivals, Will!

Shakespeare: ‘Course we are. Who do you think beat you to the job for the Twelfth Night?

Jonson: You bastard!

Shakespeare: Nah – you would have hated it. The Master of the Revels was getting all up himself. Didn’t like the title of the play what I wrote.

Jonson: What did you call it?

Shakespeare: ‘One daft pillock and a load of soppy gits.’

Jonson: Can’t see anything wrong with that.

Shakespeare: Well, neither can I. Anyway, in the end I just said ‘Ah, what you will.’

Jonson: And he seemed happy with that?

Shakespeare: He seemed thrilled. Dread to think what he’s gonna come up with though.

Jonson: Ah, well. All’s well that ends well.

Shakespeare: 'Ere - that's not bad!