From The Mind of Merc - Lincoln & Kennedy

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the oft-remarked similarities between Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy. There has been much talk about spooky similarities between the two so I decided to look into them. And I wasn’t disappointed.

First taking just the Presidents themselves:

Lincoln	Kennedy
Last name has 7 letters	Last name has 7 letters
Fathered 4 children; 1 son died during presidency	Fathered 4 children; 1 son died during presidency
Had only one child who survived into the next century	Had only one child who survived into the next century
Wife died in her sixties	Wife died in her sixties
2 sons named Robert and Edward – 1 died young	2 sons named Robert and Edward – 1 died young
Suffered from a genetic disease – Marfan’s Syndrome	Suffered from a genetic disease – Addison’s Disease

Their political careers

Elected to House of Representatives in 1846	Elected to House of Representatives in 1946
Losing candidate for his party's vice-presidential nomination in 1856	Losing candidate for his party's vice-presidential nomination in 1956
Elected to the presidency in 1860	Elected to the presidency in 1860
Defeated incumbent Vice President  (Breckenbridge) for the presidency	Defeated incumbent Vice President  (Nixon) for the presidency

Their assassinations:

Shot in the head	Shot in the head
Shot on a Friday	Shot on a Friday
Shot seated beside his wife	Shot seated beside his wife
Shot in Ford’s Theater	Shot in a Ford automobile – a Lincoln
Lincoln sat in box number 7 at Ford's Theater	Kennedy sat in car number 7 in the motorcade.
Initially attended by Dr Charles Leale	Initially attended by Dr Charles Crenshaw
Died in a place with the initials "P.H." (Petersen House)	Died in a place with the initials "P.H." (Parkland Hospital)
Funeral train travelled from Washington DC to New York	Funeral train travelled from Washington DC to New York

But the coincidences don’t stop with them – there’s their successors:

Succeeded by Vice President	Succeeded by Vice President
Successor was a Southern Democrat	Successor was a Southern Democrat
Successor was named Johnson (Andrew)	Successor was named Johnson (Lyndon)
Successor was born in 1808	Successor was born in 1908
Successor’s name has 13 letters	Successor’s name has 13 letters
Successor died 10 years after his death	Successor died 10 years after his death

And – perhaps more importantly – their assassins:

Assassin’s name has 15 letters	Assassin’s name has 15 letters
Assassin known by 3 names	Assassin known by 3 names
Assassin was a Southern white male	Assassin was a Southern white male
Assassin was born in the late 1830s	Assassin was born in the late 1830s
Assassin was in their mid-20s	Assassin was in their mid-20s
Assassin was 5'8" in height	Assassin was 5'8" in height
Assassin had hazel eyes and brown hair	Assassin had hazel eyes and brown hair
After shooting Lincoln, Booth ran from a theatre to a warehouse	After shooting Kennedy, Oswald ran from a warehouse to a theatre.
Assassin was killed before being tried	Assassin was killed before being tried
Assassin died in the same month as his victim	Assassin died in the same month as his victim
Assassin died in a state adjacent to the state of his birth.	Assassin died in a state adjacent to the state of his birth.

There’s also their predecessors:

Predecessor was the last president to be born in his century	Predecessor was the last president to be born in his century
Predecessor left office in their seventies and retired to Pennsylvania (to Lancaster Township)	Predecessor left office in their seventies and retired to Pennsylvania (to Gettysburg)
Predecessor died before the end of the decade.	Predecessor died before the end of the decade.

And their bodyguards:

Bodyguard named William H Crook	Bodyguard named William Greer
Bodyguard died aged 75	Bodyguard died aged 75

So, while I am prepared to admit it could all be coincidence, that’s a LOT of coincidences.

Shakespeare sketch - Mercorabilia

Happy Shakespeare’s birthday! And, in keeping with that sentiment, here’s a Shakespeare-themed sketch.

The question of whether Shakespeare wrote his own plays is an age-old debate. Not quite as old as Shakespeare himself though. Doubts about the Bard’s literary capabilities didn’t start creeping in until over 200 years after he died. Makes you wonder how he might have reacted if those kind of suspicions had been around while he was still alive...

Jonson: All right, Will?

Shakespeare: Yeah – not too bad. Yourself?

Jonson: Yeah – alright. ‘Ere listen, Will – there’s a rumour going around Southwark that you don’t exist?

Shakespeare: You what?

Jonson: Yeah. That you aren’t really here and all your work’s being done by some other git.

Shakespeare: You’re joking!

Jonson: No! Straight up!

Shakespeare: So who do they think I’m taking the credit for?

Jonson: Well, one bloke thought you was stealing off of Kit.

Shakespeare: Kit Marlowe? But he’s been “dead” for 10 years.

Marlowe: Ssh – don’t give me away.

Shakespeare: Nah – you’re alright, Kit. No-one’s looking.

Marlowe: Cheers, lads.

Shakespeare: Who else did they suggest?

Jonson: Er... Francis Bacon.

Shakespeare: That poof?

Jonson: Yeah. One guy – don’t know what he’d been drinking – said your longest word...

Shakespeare: Honorificabilitudinitatibus?

Jonson: Yeah, that. Well, he said it was a secret nod to the “real” author ‘cause, if you ‘unscrambled’ it, it made this big long phrase in Latin which basically says ‘Bacon was here’.

Shakespeare: But I can’t speak Latin.

Jonson: Exactly! I pointed that out and he just said ‘Well, that proves it.’

Shakespeare: Git.

Jonson: Prat.

Shakespeare: I can’t believe they’d think old Frankie Bacon wrote my plays.

Jonson: Neither can I. I mean, Frankie would never make some of the cock-ups you did.

Shakespeare: Like what?

Jonson: What do you wanna have a clock chime in Julius Caesar for?

Shakespeare: What’s wrong with that?

Jonson: They didn’t have chiming clocks when Julius Caesar was around.

Shakespeare: Oh. What did they do then? Beep or something?

Jonson: <sigh> Never mind.

Shakespeare: So what did you say when they were all slandering me like that?

Jonson: Well, I stood up for you.

Shakespeare: Did you?

Jonson: ‘Course I did. I said ‘Look, stop being a pillock. You can take it from me – Shakespeare’s the one who wrote those plays – every single one of them.'

Shakespeare: You did?

Jonson: Yeah. Then this other guy says ‘What do I know about modern literature?’

Shakespeare: And what did you say to that?

Jonson: I told him straight. I says ‘Listen, pal. I’m one of the finest playwrights and literary critics you’ll find round here. What’s more - I’m his contemporary. And if I say he exists – he exists.

Shakespeare: Ah – cheers, mate.

Jonson: No worries.

Shakespeare: So you reckon he believed you?

Jonson: Why wouldn’t he?

Shakespeare: Well, he might think you’re biased.

Jonson: Why? ‘Cause we’re friends?

Shakespeare: Well, yeah. Although really we’re more like rivals.

Jonson: Nah – we ain’t rivals, Will!

Shakespeare: ‘Course we are. Who do you think beat you to the job for the Twelfth Night?

Jonson: You bastard!

Shakespeare: Nah – you would have hated it. The Master of the Revels was getting all up himself. Didn’t like the title of the play what I wrote.

Jonson: What did you call it?

Shakespeare: ‘One daft pillock and a load of soppy gits.’

Jonson: Can’t see anything wrong with that.

Shakespeare: Well, neither can I. Anyway, in the end I just said ‘Ah, what you will.’

Jonson: And he seemed happy with that?

Shakespeare: He seemed thrilled. Dread to think what he’s gonna come up with though.

Jonson: Ah, well. All’s well that ends well.

Shakespeare: 'Ere - that's not bad!

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Benedick vs Beatrice

This is inspired by the Princess Rap Battles created by Whitney Avalon (if you haven't seen them, check them out - they are brilliant. The inspiration for this one can be found here).
This is my first rap parody. Next step to get it made as a music video (maybe I should ask Whitney for some advice).

Princess Rap Battle – Cinderella vs Belle Shakespeare Rap Battle - Benedick vs Beatrice

BENEDICK
Another dried-up lonely has-been come to decry her woes
No need to be morose that is just how love goes
I'm the legendary soldier of lots of battles
The women all adore me and flock to me like cattle (ha!)
Around me they hang while I just do my thang
Yes – all the ladies wanna be in my gang
I deserve a stipend for saving all my friends
From the clutches of women, all say amen
I have the best mentality, all you have’s abnormality
The name of your life story: The Pathetic Triviality
Of course you're bitter, I'm the best guy around
Got no baggage, avoid marriage, something you’ve never found

BEATRICE
Whatever! Dick! Don’t be mean? Feeble!
I'm the only one here with respect of the people
While I'm living my life you're sleeping with hoes
Don’t be misled ‘cause to your bed is not where I’ll go
Dicky’s dreaming he's so special, well, somebody should wake him
‘Cause round here everybody thinks he’s just a stupid cretin
Fear the super witty woman – no, I'm not giving in
To your sad attempts at humour – that would be a sin
Your misguided self image is stuck in the past
So adored, for your sword?  There’s no way that will last
You're shallow and obsessed with looks and how we're dressed
Do you think any girls care? (Ha!) More like distressed

BENEDICK
Oh, I'm the one who's boring? You know I find that so funny
My wits could beat you senseless - the truth hurts now don’t it, honey
Your jibes have no power, you're just a weak flower
Stay where you belong: in your iv’ry tower
I'm every women’s dream with a killer repartee
Just go and ask your friends oops forgot there’s none to see
When you first met me it was love at first sight
Couldn’t keep your hands off - you were mine before midnight

BEATRICE
Such a brief encounter that you think was a romance?
Sure wasn’t in love with your ‘manly’ stance
My dream guy wouldn’t e’er be so shallow
My very high standards are what you fall far below
You used to be young now you’re just old and past it
Make girls think you’ll go the night but there’s no way you’ll last it
You say you’re anti-romance, but we both know that’s not true
And out of the two of us the slowest one is you

BENEDICK
Oh, you think that's true? That’s so sad it makes me feel blue
If you believe you’re better a reality check is due
You got hung up on me - aw, that is just so sad
You should have known I'm not a one-woman lad

BEATRICE
You think you’re adored but you are really deplored
Everyone thinks the same because you just make them bored
The moral of our quarrel and why you should now rest
Men might think they’re powerful but women are the best

I Will Survive The Labyrinth - !!!NEW!!!

A parody honouring the late, great David Bowie in his role as Jareth in the 1986 cult classic 'Labyrinth'

I Will Survive (The Labyrinth) not by Gloria Gaynor

First I was astounded, I was just amazed
Kept thinking you could never ever get right through my maze
But then made your way through to here and that simply proved me wrong
Didn’t take long
You took the baby and was gone

I want you back
From that strange place
I thought that I could win you over but instead I met with disgrace
I should have fixed that stupid clock, done more to make you lose your way
If I'd known for just one second you'd get through and the win the day

Let’s go again, just one more chance
Come back to me now
So that we can finish our dance
You know you’ve exhausted my generosity
I did so many things
Just what more could you ask of me?

It’s not over, I will win through
And as long as you are still alive, my goblins will find you
Just let me rule over you
Just let me tell you what to do ‘cause I’ll win through
I will win through, hey, hey

It took all my skill and magic to make that task
You didn’t care though - why can’t you just do what I ask
And I spent oh-so many nights working every detail out
Sure you cheated
‘Cause I’ve never been defeated now it’s too late
You made it through
You may be gone now but the thing is I’m still obsessed with you
And if you felt like dropping in then my oubliette would be free
There’d be no Toby to distract us or stop you from loving me

Let’s go again, just one more chance
Come back to me now
So that we can finish our dance
You know you’ve exhausted my generosity
I did so many things
Just what more could you want/ask of me?

It’s not over, I will win through
And as long as you are still alive, my goblins will find you
Just let me rule over you
Just let me tell you what to do ‘cause I’ll win through
I will win through,

Oh

Let’s go again, just one more chance
Come back to me now
So that we can finish our dance
You know you’ve exhausted my generosity
I did so many things
Just what more could you want/ask of me?

It’s not over, I will win through
And as long as you are still alive, my goblins will find you
Just let me rule over you
Just let me tell you what to do ‘cause I’ll win through
I will win through,

I will win through