From The Mind of Merc - So Many Questions

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was pondering all sorts of bizarre and unconnected musings which I thought I'd share here:
(Ok - some of them are jokes but I hope one or two make you stop and go 'Hmmm')

• Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  
• What's the synonym for thesaurus?
  
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
  
• Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
  
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
  
• What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
  
• Why is the alphabet in that order?
  
• Why is the meaning of life hard to find when you have a dictionary?
  
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  
• A stitch in time saves nine what?
  
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  
• Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's
   improved how can it be something new?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  
• Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?
  
• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
  
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
  
• If laughter is the best medicine, how can people be said to have 'died laughing'?
  
• Who invented the term 'spending money?' What other sort is there?
  
• Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?  Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
  
• If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
  
• If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?
  
• If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
  
• If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
  
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
  
• Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
  
• If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
  
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
  
• Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
  
• Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
  
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
  
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  
• How long is a piece of string?
  
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

And finally.. have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Last Bus To Woodstock - !!!NEW!!!

A new entry today combining the works of the Monkees with the works of Colin Dexter.

Last Train to Clarksville Last Bus To Woodstock not by The Monkees

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Hitched a ride home with a stranger
Never made it home that evening
'Cause she got herself in danger
A cruel blow
Morse go go go, Morse go go go

Her body’s found in a car park
By John Sanders a strange man
Wants to spend the night together
But murder wasn’t his plan
Must let him go
Oh no no no, oh no no no
Such a pity but she’s never coming home.

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Got a lift inside a red car
Must find out a way to track it down
Our suspect couldn’t have got far
Oh no no no, oh no no no

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Needed a new way to get home
Thought hitchhiking would do it
But it seems that you were not alone
Where’d your friend go
We do not know, we do not know
Oh so sorry but you’re never coming home

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Hitched a ride home with a stranger
Never made it home that evening
'Cause she got herself in danger,
A cruel blow,
Morse go go go, Morse go go go
Such a pity but she’s never coming home

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock

All the world... - !!!NEW!!!

A new entry today along similar lines of the Speech Wrecker entries but this time parodying Shakespeare's famous speech about the ages of man to fit with the stages of work.

All the world’s at work,
And all the men and women mere employees.
They have their leave dates and their inductions,
And one man in his job plays many roles,
His goal reaching seven stages. At first the trainee,
Struggling and slaving in his boss’ wake.
Then, the shining intern with his research
And tired sleepless gaze, working like a dog
Unwilling ever to sleep. And then the junior,
Trying to impress, with a valiant effort
Made to his boss’ closed door. Then, the senior,
Full of grand plans, and scheming for the top,
Ambitious in his work, wealthy, & with more power,
Seeking his profit augmentation
Even at his worker’s cost.And then, the partner,
Unfair and a bully, with a good quality suit,
With eyes wary, and tongue of stinging cut,
Fond of good deals, and well-placed networking,
And so he plies his trade. The sixth stage is
To gain the role of the firm’s director,
With authority at hand and PA on side,
His youthful dreams, now gone, the views too grand
For his shrunk morals, and his powerful say,
Turning away all those childish interns, they
Who harken to his command. Last scene of all,
That ends these years of endless toil,
Is as a pensioner and powerlessness,
Sans job, sans work, sans pay, sans employment.

Speech-wrecker (Part 8) - Mercorabilia

Continuing the twist on the speech-wrecker theme today with a fresh look at Russell Crowe's speech in Gladiator.

Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be pushing up the daisies. Imagine where you will be, and it will be a nice image in your head while you die. Hold the line! Stay still for pity’s sake! If you find yourself hallucinating, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, don’t worry. 'Cause basically you’ve had it! Brothers, what we do in life... is all we do in life. Roma Victor!