From The Mind of Merc - Raul Julia

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was pondering the latter years of Raul Julia - the actor perhaps best known for his performance as Gomez Addams in two of (and, in my opinion, the better) Addams Family films (no disrespect is intended):

 

It is said that you never know who’s listening…

In 1993 Raul Julia starred in the film ‘Addams Family Values’. In one heartfelt scene, when he learns baby Pubert's 'transformation' into a blonde-haired rosy-cheeked cherub may be permanent, he looks skyward and implores "Please – I beg you – take me."

 

Shortly after filming, he began suffering from a stomach infection (which was rumoured to be bowel cancer) and underwent surgery. His health subsequently deteriorated.

In October 1994 he began experiencing intense abdominal pain and was hospitalised, suffering a stroke the same night. Four days after the stroke he fell into a coma and four days after that Raul Julia died on October 24 1994 – less than a year after the release of Addams Family Values.

 

 You never know who’s listening.

Mutiny of the Barony (The Sequel) sketch - Mercorabilia

The other sketch was just crying out for a continuation - so here it is:

John: Hello – who are you?

Louis: I’m the king.

John: You can’t be – I’m the king.

Louis: Oh – I rather thought I was.

John: No – I’m definitely the king. Look - I’ve got a crown and everything.

<Door opens>

Baron: Ah, King Louis. I trust everything is to your satisfaction.

John: You mean you’re behind this?

Baron: Of course. We considered getting you to sign another charter after your little spat but then decided what we needed instead was a brand new king. And so we found one.

John: But…but you can’t do this! It’s completely unconstitutional.

Baron: Not according to the constitution you signed at Runnymede, mate. Just look at this bit here.

John: (mumbling as he reads) Well that seems fairly comprehensive. It appears there’s only one thing I can do to stop your diabolical scheme.

Baron: What’s that?

John: This.

<Drops down dead>

Louis: I say - that’s rather clever.

Baron: What do you mean?

Louis: Well the English people aren’t going to want me on the throne, are they? Not when they’ve got a brand new king in the shape of John’s little son, Henry, to take the throne. And it must be a pretty good situation for you barons as well, won’t it? After all Henry’s only 9 – he’s going to need a Protector.

Baron: Good point –  ready my horse. Are you going to be alright getting back to France?

Louis: Oh yes – I’ll be fine.

Baron: Good. Don’t come back, will you

Mutiny of the Barony sketch - Mercorabilia

The inspiration for this sketch came from a documentary I saw on the Plantagenet kings and was originally much longer and wordier. Trouble was it was a bit too waffly so I cut it down to make the best lines stand out and make a shorter, sharper sketch. Enjoy!

Baron: Come on, John. You’ve spent five minutes looking at the same sentence.

John: King John to you. And it’s rather a great charter you’ve given me to sign.

Baron: Oh, come off it – don’t you know? No-one ever reads the Terms and Conditions.

John: Well – you should know by now that I am not no-one. I am King of England, Duke of Normandy, Lord of Ireland and Earl of Mortain.

Baron: Yes, well, once you’ve signed this document things’ll be a little bit more fairer.

John: Hmm. There are a lot of words here.

Baron: Oh you don’t need to worry about those! What it basically boils down to is your typical workshare arrangement whereby you, John Plantagenet, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, agree with us, the Barons, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second part, to devolve the regulation of any and all actions and directives pertaining to the freedoms and liberties of persons of the general populace – i.e. us – and that any attempt to negate said regulation will be to the detriment of the chattels, possessions and general stuff of the party of the first part.

John: Oh, I see. Well that seems fair enough.

Baron: So if you’d just like to put your seal at the bottom.

<Thump as stamp hits the table>

Baron: Thank you, your majesty. Pleasure doing business with you.

John: And you. If you’ll excuse me I’ll just dash off a quick note to my friend, Pope Innocent.

Baron: What? But that’s a clear contravention of the treaty you’ve just signed.

John: Yes, but you didn’t expect me to take that seriously, did you? Plus I had my fingers crossed.

Baron: Right – that does it. This means war.

John: If you say so.

Baron: I do. And may the best man win.

John: I intend to.

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 6) - Mercorabilia

A slight twist on the speech-wrecker theme today and instead a look at some classic speeches and how they would have played out if the orator had been given a dose of sodium pentothal.

This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will have beaten the odds of several 100-1 when this day is over,
And be bloody petrified at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly bore his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is the day of Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “That’s what you get for following the King to France.”
Old men forget; and we’ll all be forgot,
But we’ll remember, if we survive,
What failures we were that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the best King ever, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Tallbot, Salisbury and that bloke beginning with G
Be in their flowing cups badly rememb’red.
(With) This story shall the good man scare his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
Cos this day is probably our last in this world,
But we in it shall hopefully be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; even though you’re all so vile,
This day shall terminate his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves bloody lucky they were not here,
And hold their manhoods which is more than we’ll be able to do
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.