What time is it, Eccles (modernised) - Mercorabilia

I'm a big fan of The Goon Show and, inspired by a comment I saw online, I thought it'd be fun to try and create how the infamous 'What time is it?' skit if it had been written using modern technology.

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I, I've got a screenshot of it ’ere on my mobile. A nice man did it for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
Eccles:  Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
Eccles:  What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It's showin on this screenshot here, what is eight o'clock, is showin.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to do it for me, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles:  Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Ooohhh...
Eccles:  [Smacks lips] Yeah.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles:  I've got a screenshot of it on my mobile!
Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a mobile phone with the time screenshot on.
Eccles:  Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles:  Yah.

Bluebottle: Let me hold that mobile to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This mobile phone ain't tickin'.

Eccles:  What? I've been sold a forgery!

Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.

Eccles:  Oh dear.

Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.

Eccles:  Oooohhh?

Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.

Eccles:  Oooohhh.

Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.

Eccles:  Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um.

Bluebottle: His secretary.

Eccles:  Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?

Bluebottle: She's got a screenshot of it on her mobile!

And if anyone's wondering why he didn't just look at the time on his phone... this is Eccles we're talking about

Show Black Matters - !!!NEW!!!

Given the recent shameful outcome over Breonna Taylor's murder, I felt it was appropriate to share this. #BLM

Show Black Matters not by Irving Berlin

Black lives matter like (all) lives matter but black lives are threatened
Everyone needs to understand about this, the point is simply to stop wrongs and
Anyone who knows they’re not a racist just cannot resist to take a stand

Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Even if you can’t see similarities, that doesn’t mean that their life should cease
Nobody is perfect, you can guarantee, and they shouldn’t be dead

Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Are no longer part of this world because
Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Were thought by corrupt cops to (have) broken laws.
We sadly bid these poor people goodbye, they shouldn’t have been killed should they - so why?

Black lives matter like (all) lives matter so don’t tell me that’s wrong
Everyone upon this earth’s a person, regardless of the colour of their skin
We cannot allow racism to worsen, it’s a perversion, don’t let it win

Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Why’s this still an issue it just seems so wrong, it’s been going on for far too long
There shouldn’t be a reason to write this song and they shouldn’t be dead

You hear again in all the newspapers that a black person’s been killed again
How is it, the victims are the traitors? Ignore the haters, this all must end

Even though the bias seems to reach up high, that doesn’t mean this thinking should fly
We will never let this injustice go by, as they shouldn’t be dead

From The Mind of Merc - COV-ID Deniers

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the people who for some reason best known (or perhaps solely known) to them seem to think that the rules and restrictions relating to the COV-ID lockdown don't apply to them, are part of a conspiracy theory or worse that the entire pandemic is a hoax.

It led me to create this cartoon:

The One That You Forgot - !!!NEW!!!

Thought I'd take a break from my topical compositions and return to my parody-writing roots with a song about the infamous Other Boleyn Girl. Hope you enjoy!

The One That Got Away You Forgot not by Katy Perry 

I was newly married, when we first met
You’d just finished with Bessie - on me you were set
And it seemed not long after, I became your mistress

You wooed me into your arms with all the things you said
All the gifts and rewards they went to my head
Who was I to know that you’d cause such distress

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

Gave birth to a daughter called Catherine
My husband had to accept my life of sin
And then eventually, I gave birth to your son, oh

But by now it seemed that I was too late
My sister wanted to be great
She turned your head with words and I soon found you’d gone

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

The one, the one, the one
The one that you forgot

After all that you did to set yourself free, oh
She couldn’t give you a son you see, no
I bet you wish that you had chosen me, whoa
And soon she paid the price

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

The one (the one)
The one (the one)
The one (the one)

In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

Shout Out To My Ex (Boss) - !!!NEW!!!

I got made redundant last month - I was quite shocked as you'd think someone whose work focuses on the online arena would be fairly safe. Guess I should have known better. Anyway, I thought I'd use a song by Little Mix to express how I feel about the situation.

Shout Out To My Ex (Boss) not by Little Mix

This is a shout out to my ex (boss)
Seems he doesn’t need me any more
That’s why he kicked me out the door
Don’t know quite what he did that for

I still wish him every success
Hope he doesn’t regret what he did, no
Find that I’m the one that he wanted
Good luck, sir - cause you will need it

He thinks that he knows how
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Oh, I came up with all your plans
But yet you seemed to forget this
After you got what you wanted
You thought you could get by without me
So now I’ve more time on my hands
And though it seems I’m at a loss, maybe
There’s a point I want to get across, today
Cause you will learn just what you lost, what you lost, uh

He thinks that he knows how
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
(No need to curse)
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out
(Yes you wanted me out)

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
(Just look at what you’ve done now)
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

(Yes you wanted me out)

From the Mind of Merc - Good and Bad Deeds

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the idea that a good deed cancels out a bad deed. Tbh, I think this is to blame for a lot more bad deeds than good deeds.

If this is true, than people who are regularly ‘bad’ can supposedly excuse or justify themselves by committing ‘good deeds’. The person in question is not changed – they just believe they are not bad because they did one ‘good’ thing. Consequently a bad person can convince themselves they are not so because the one ‘good’ thing they did means the ‘bad’ thing, in effect, didn’t happen. For me, this means the whole concept is undeniably flawed. And in more ways than one.

Firstly, it seemingly allows bad deeds to happen so long as good deeds continue to happen as well. How can this be ok?

It makes me wonder if this is how the Tory government sleeps at night and how they can convince themselves they are still good people despite the considerable damage they have done to the country - the most blatant (non-COVID related) example being that, since the Tories came to power, life expectancy in the UK has gone DOWN. Yes, you read that right – DOWN. But all these bad deeds are supposedly ok because of any ‘good deeds’ they’ve done.

This is not how this should work. This is little better than spin – it is not right to allow bad deeds to go unnoticed or to be forgotten or hidden just because of the occasional act that is not ‘bad’. And it certainly is not acceptable behaviour for a country’s leadership or government.

There is also the matter of whether the ‘good deeds’ could actually be viewed as that or if it just seems that way from their perspective because they can see the benefit but that’s a discussion for another day.

Secondly, a good deed does NOT cancel out a bad deed. If someone commits a good deed, that does not mean the bad deed did not happen – it just means they are not a completely bad person.

If someone seriously wishes to atone for their actions then it is not and cannot be a quick fix solution. Years of misdeeds cannot be wiped out by one good one. But one good one is an important and worthwhile start on the path to atonement as, surely, the whole point of the concept itself was that one good deed is the start of turning over a new leaf rather than equating to the eradication of all previous bad deeds. It was a way of recognising what happened in the past was wrong and should not happen again.

Perhaps now, when the country is returning to a new ‘normal’, is the best time to realise this and to start to change our viewpoint – no more excuses, no more delusion, no more denial. Acceptance, acknowledgement, accountability.

After all, when someone’s been wronged, the main thing they want is an apology from the person who’s wronged them. No-one should be exempt from that – not even governments.

The idea might be to avoid showing a sign of weakness but it’s actually not apologising that’s the sign of weakness as it shows a refusal to accept the situation, to acknowledge the wrongdoing and take accountability for what shouldn’t have happened. That can be much more damaging than any apology could ever be.

So, if you’ve committed bad deeds and you’re sorry for them the message shouldn’t be ‘doing good deeds cancels them out’, it should be that doing good deeds starts to help undo the hurt the bad deeds caused. It doesn’t mean the bad deeds didn’t happen – they did and this must be understood - but it does mean you’re not allowing them to continue.

F*ck You - !!!NEW!!!

This one's not much of adaptation but still a valid message so I thought I'd post it.
Lily Allen's 2009 song Fuck You was apparently written about George W. Bush. However, I figured a lot of the lyrics were still prevalent and - with a little tweaking - could easily be about the current incumbent. So tweak I did.

Fuck You not (entirely) by Lily Allen

Look inside
Look inside your tiny mind
If you even can find it
'Cause we're so uninspired
So sick and tired of all the hatred you emit

So you say
It's not okay to be gay
Well, I think you're just evil
You're just some racist whose full of disgraces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch

Do you get
Do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
Don’t want to be like Obama
(Yet) It's approval you're after
Well, that's not how you find it

Do you
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control, you see
And you’re really distasteful

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say
You think the virus is a hoax
Well, we wish that you were one
'Cause it's people like you that need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)

Rally - !!!NEW!!!

Another song that was created after one line of lyrics formed itself in my head.
The message here is: America - we're looking at you. Don't let us down!

Milkshake Rally not by Kelis

His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard
His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard

Though we don’t want him
The things he says see
(Are) What bigots go crazy for
He speaks their minds
They get behind
Time after time

La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting
La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting

His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard
His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard

If you do not want him
It’s for you to change see
The way to help free all
Is use your vote
That’s what you must note
Don’t let them gloat

La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting
La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting

His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard
His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard

Oh, once you do your bit
Everyone can do the same, and
We’ll get the racists out
Show him we will make a stand
Just do what you can do
To stop them from winning
Then he’ll be gone for good
And we then all can sing

La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting
La la, la la, la
Vote him out
La la, la la, la
That’s what we’re chanting

His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard
His rally brings the racists to the yard
And they're like, “We’re better than y’all”
No way you’re better than us’all
We can teach you, ‘cause it’s not that hard

From The Mind of Merc - Skin Colour

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about skin colour.

To be clear – I don’t mean about the difference between black and white but the actual concept of ‘skin colour’.

For starters, why is it called ‘skin colour’?

Anything ‘skin colour’ is generally either peach or, at the very least, beige. Yet given the possible variations in the part of a person’s genetic code that determines the colour of the skin – not to mention the other factors that can affect it during a person’s lifetime – there is potentially a limitless number of possible ‘skin colours’. There are 6 ‘skin types’ alone (fair, dark and everything in between). So how can there be one ‘skin colour’?

The main culprit of promoting this idea seems to be the fashion industry. When you’re buying clothes, you’re most likely to see something listed as ‘skin colour’ or ‘nude’ – which always refers only to ‘white’ skin colour and you have to wonder what kind of message is that sending? That ‘this is the only skin colour that’s acceptable’? That ‘this is the only skin colour’ they’ll cater for’? How wrong is that? If ‘skin colour’ refers solely to ‘white’ skin colour then surely that is implying it to be the only/dominant/prevalent skin colour. To me, that is all types of wrong. Technically it could also be said to mean that the entire fashion industry is condoning racism.

Given the number of names for colours, surely it can’t be difficult to come up with an alternative name for it. For example, let’s look at ‘blood red’ which (somewhat ironically) proves my point even further. Blood is always red (regardless of skin colour) but even this can have other names (69 according to a quick Google search). Ones that have been used in various products include: cherry, reddish, scarlet, crimson, carmine, ruby, vermilion, cardinal, claret, rust, brown-red and carnelian. Yet ‘skin colour’ can only refer to white people? Surely ‘skin colour’ should effectively mean transparent so it shows all skin types. (Maybe that would be a better use for the term.)

When the message is that white is the only acceptable colour for skin then all sorts of unpleasantness occurs. When the message is that white is the only ‘real’ colour for skin then, at least subliminally, this implies a superiority of one skin colour over another. A superiority which does not exist.

Maybe it’s time to end this clearly outdated, massively incorrect and undeniably biased and unfair term. Perhaps doing so could be a step in the right direction towards ending racial discrimination. This might sound bizarre or extreme but by no longer effectively stating that people with ‘white’ skin colour are preferable or (consequently) better or (even) the only skin colour then such a simple change could have a significant and/or dramatic effect on people’s perceptions of what is ‘acceptable’/’normal’/exists. The message this sends would be phenomenal. And from such a simple change. Surely it’s worth – and needs – to be done.

After all, if the make-up industry can (even attempt to) accommodate the multiple variations (with foundations coming in shades such as ‘porcelain’, ‘ivory’, ‘amber’, ‘bronze’, ‘truffle’ and ‘mocha’), how hard can it be?

An MP Can Be A Crook - !!!NEW!!!

Listening to my favourite song from Mary Poppins Returns and the beginnings of these lyrics started forming in my head... so I thought I'd let them develop.

A Cover Is Not The Book An MP Can Be A Crook not from Mary Poppins Returns
We have so much at our fingertips
That we can access quick and how
And yet we still do not make the most of it
If we ever needed info
Then my friends that time is now
As rather than trust the media then we need to research it
Because an-

MP can be a crook
So please always take a second look
'Cause if you peer closer past the poster
You might find you were mistook
Please don’t ignore the warning signs
Take care to read between the lines
And what you find it might just leave you shook
For an MP’s your man
Unless your MP’s a crook

It’s-true-to-day, it’s all true so far!
It’s-true-to-day, it’s all true so far!

Excuse me Miss, could you give us an example?
Certainly!

Boris the Johnson it seemed was good
But what could not be seen was though
His outward show was honest
Well, his past was far from clean
So if someone chose to look what was buried down deep inside
They would find he’s not so nice
Yet he still won by a landslide!

Which proves
An MP can be a crook
So please always take a second look
'Cause if you peer closer past the poster
You might find you were mistook
Please don’t ignore the warning signs
Take care to read between the lines
And what you find it might just leave you shook
For an MP’s your man
Unless your MP’s a crook

Should we do the one about the tricky Tory?

Oh, by all means!

People love that one

Well, go on then!

Mr Dominic Cummings
His wife was not feeling so fit

So he put her in a car

Drove to Durham for a bit

Yet the country’s in lockdown
Which you’d think would cause a hitch

But if you're rich and make the rules

Then are the rules meant for the rich?

Oh, an MP can be a crook
So please always take a second look

'Cause if you peer closer past the poster
You might find you were mistook
It’s-true-to-day, it’s true so far!
It’s-true-to-day, all above par!

And what you find it might just leave you shook
For an MP’s your man
Unless your MP’s a crook

Oh, give us the one about the brainless bossman, why don't ya?

Isn't that one a bit long?

Well, the quicker you're into it, the quicker you're out of it

Once upon a time
(Not) In a nursery rhyme
There was a white house with a man
With an orange tan
Who seemed to think there was no-one that he was less than

He had fans and followers
Who hung on his ev’ry word
But despite his being the chief
Good grief!
It seemed he had a poor choice of what he should best do
A poor choice of words

Like his hands were not immense
His brain was smaller than a bird's
So the vice-man of the nation
Made a censored proclamation
"We do not need him understood
He needs to look good

Just like any premier should
His bright orange skin not withstood”

And they searched for the brightest
And they searched for the best
Who would endorse

All his recourse
Bring worth to what he did attest
But the man was a buffoon
So each professor quit their job
They did not want to be involved
With such a racist slob
It makes you sob
You start to wonder why it is
He’s so beloved by the mob

But then suddenly one day
The people realised a thing
They said, "If he cannot change then
It makes sense that we change him"
And the man’s team’s fears all grew

For they knew that this was true
That it was not hopeless
There was a way out of the mess

Cause to have a happy land
And to enjoy the world you've got
You should never let yourselves
Be ruled over by a bigot
So they sang and they cheered
They had found a way to end
The control of this despot who was
Surely not their friend

So the moral is you mustn't let
The media be the guide
For it's possible they lied
You need to make your own mind up
Don’t be hypnotised, you decide!
‘Cause the truth can't be denied
And we will not be defied
We can vote to change the world and
We won’t let the cheaters hide

That is it!

Oh, an MP can be a crook
So please always take a second look

'Cause if you peer closer past the poster
You might find you were mistook
So please listen to what we've said

And please never let yourself be led

So one more time before we get the hook

Please sing along!

An MP’s your man

Please take our advice!

An MP’s your man

Or you'll pay the price!

An MP’s your man

Unless your MP is a crook

It’s-true-to-day, it’s so true by far!
It’s-true-to-day, it’s so true by far!
It’s-true-to-day, it’s so true by far! Hurrah!

(Author's note: I'm not saying these are the only examples but they are certainly the most notable at the moment)