From The Mind of Merc - Benefit Cuts

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down.  Today I was thinking about the recent fracas concerning Mr Osborne’s latest budget.
(This originally appeared on my Facebook wall but proved so popular I thought I’d share it further)

Wouldn't it be great if the recent Benefit Cuts proposal was a test and any MPs who voted for the cuts have failed (as human beings) and have to clear their desks/offices, repay all claimed expenses and disappear off to the middle of nowhere?

Alternatively, let's put the MPs on a performance-related pay scheme - if they do nothing, they get nothing, if they do something but it makes things worse, they get a pay deduction and only if they do what they're supposed to do (i.e. something that has a positive effect or impact and obeys the basis of democracy and listening to the people) would they get paid. Then maybe a) they’d realise how ludicrous so many of their schemes are and b) what it’s like for the rest of us who can’t allocate ourselves ridiculous pay rises.

Or maybe they should try Life Swap (the MP equivalent of Wife Swap) where they have to try to survive on the average living allowance of a family on benefits with no expenses claims, no second home and no power to mess up anyone else's life. (And no ‘Get Out Of Sh*t Free’ card – otherwise known as ‘Phone (or Bribe) A Friend’)

The country's in debt? Here's an idea to fix that:-
a) get rid of MP expenses - you want it, you pay for it because you certainly don’t need it – if tampons are a luxury then helicopters definitely are,
b) no MP can vote to give themselves a pay rise (or if they can they have to up the minimum wage by that amount too) and, most importantly,
c) if you’re going to cut something, Mr Osborne, how about taking it out of MPs wages rather than those of people who need them (doctors, teachers, disabled people, low income families. Most MPs have second jobs/inheritances anyway and, as a little history reminder, in the beginning an MP's salary was precisely £0 so the fact that it is now £74,000 is absurd and, quite frankly, disgusting.

Voting to save money - fine. Voting to save money at the expense of those who really need it by those who really don't - definitely NOT fine.

Here endeth the lesson.

Ariel's Mistake sketch - Mercorabilia

A return to a favourite topic of mine - Alternate Disney - i.e. subtle changes or twists or omissions to Disney which could make for quite a different story or ending. Today's focus is on The Little Mermaid.

Flounder: Oh no! Eric’s ship’s already set sail! He’s about to marry Ursula! Ariel, what are you doing to do?
<Ariel tries to communicate using a series of arm gestures to explain her plan>
Flounder: Nope – didn’t get any of that.
Sebastian: Try again, Ariel. But slower.
<Ariel does the same actions but slower>
Flounder: Still nothing.
<Ariel decides to try charades – she holds up 3 fingers>
Flounder: 3 words
<Ariel holds up 1 finger>
Flounder: 1st word
<Ariel holds up her hand – palm facing them>
Flounder: Hand. No? Palm. High five.
<Ariel repeats the gesture>
Sebastian: Stop? Stop! Ok – Stop...
<Ariel makes the T gesture>
Flounder: The. Stop The...
<Ariel tries to mime wedding – without success>
Flounder: Look – this is getting ridiculous – why don’t you just write it down?
<Ariel looks confused>
Sebastian: She can write?
Flounder: Yeah – well she signed the contract with Ursula so it’s obvious she knows how to hold a pen
Sebastian: Are you kidding me? If that’s the case, why didn’t she do that/she could have tried that with Eric
Flounder: What do you mean?
Sebastian: Well, instead of all this faffing around trying to get Eric to fall in love with her, she could have just written him a note – something like: Eric, it was that rescued you. I love you. Please kiss me. Actually, you know what, if she’d done that then we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in now.
Flounder: That’s a good point. Hey, Ariel – why didn’t you try/think of that?
<Ariel shrugs>
Sebastian: Anyway, no time for this - let’s get that boat and Stop That Wedding!
<Ariel punches the air – delighted he got her charade>

How To Become A Duke sketch - Mercorabilia

In my spare time, I volunteer at Bolsover Castle. One of the most famous characters associated with the castle is William Cavendish. Sir William was a loyal subject of the monarchy and a staunch royalist even during the Commonwealth. In spite of his devotion, it wasn’t until the reign of King Charles II that his dedication and service was recognised with a Dukedom (and there’s even a suggestion that this required a little extra coercion).

(I had a bit of trouble converting this one into sketch format. Ideally it would be presented with accompanying diagrams - e.g. the last point would show Cavendish tapping the king politely on the shoulder and enquiring about the money he lent him with the king responding with a deed of knighthood - but I'm not an artist so you'll have to use your imagination)

Sherlock's Last Page sketch - Mercorabilia

I am a huge fan of the Science of Deduction and would have loved to be able to meet Dr Joseph Bell (particularly to ask him who he suspected Jack the Ripper was). However, sometimes I do wish that this was how a case was wrapped up. 

Watson: Holmes – once more you’ve done it again. It’s simply astounding that you could deduce who the killer was. It’s just staggering how you put the pieces together.  I simply don’t see how you do it. How could you possibly have worked it all out?
Holmes: Oh, you wouldn’t want to know.
Watson: I must. It’s driving me made trying to figure it all out.
Holmes: It’s too dull, honestly.
Watson: But it’s simply astonishing. How on earth did you do it?
Holmes: Well, if you must know, I read the last page.
Watson: <pause while this sinks in> You what?
Holmes: I read the last page. You see - this is a work of fiction. And we are characters in a book. So all I needed to do to solve the crime was read the last page – then I’d know who did it and could make up a convoluted story as to how I solved it.
Watson: Really?
Holmes: No – not really.
Watson: Oh. Well, I guess that’s about as believable as deducing the exact culprit through a series of long-winded assumptions.
Holmes: But it’s not a case of assumptions.
Watson: What is it then?
Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson.

Noli Me Tangere - !!!NEW!!!

Ever hear a song or a tune and you can think of the words which seem to fit it even though they're not the actual lyrics? I do. In this case it was the tune from The Producers soundtrack and the line from a Tudor poem written by Thomas Wyatt about Anne Boleyn.

Haben Sie Gehurt Noli Me Tangere not by Franz Liebkid
Noli me tangere
(For) Caesar’s I am
Can’t be touched
Not at all
Not by any other man
No – noli me tangere
(For) Caesar’s I am
I am his
He is mine
This is now my time to shine
Some thought that I had reached up too far
But I’ll show them that I’ll have the last laugh!
So I say
Noli me tangere for Caesar’s I am
Not a bit, not a jot, not at all
Yes there’s a queen, who still sits (up)on the throne
But if I have my way then I will see her
Cast out , cast down, worthless, helpless, forlorn and all alone!
Just watch
So I say
Noli me tangere for Caesar’s I am
Not a bit, not a jot, not at all
And when I give him an heir there’ll
be no way that I will
Ever fall!

That’s Anne Boleyn!

From The Mind of Merc - Country Names

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down.  Today I was thinking about names of countries.

It’s a small thought but it occurred to me how odd it is that in our progressive multicultural society that we still use our own words to refer to the countries of other nationalities. What I mean is that instead of paying attention to how people from other countries chose to refer to their homeland we instead insist on using our own words to label them (almost as if to make them more acceptable to us.)

Surely if we want to truly embrace intercultural integration we should be using the names that natives use for their own countries.

For example, this would mean that Europe would include of:

France (France)
Deutschland (Germany)
España (Spain)
Italia (Italy)
Elláda (Greece)
Bŭlgariya (Bulgaria)
Danmark (Denmark)
Nederland (Netherlands)
Suomi (Finland)
Sverige (Sweden)
Magyarország (Hungary)
Norge (Norway)
Polska (Poland)

Some people may say that we use our own words to make these foreign places seem more familiar to us and easier to acclimatise ourselves to. But a lot of these are not very different from the names we currently use and would not be difficult to adopt. Going forward this could be what schoolchildren are taught when they learn the names of countries and it would certainly be easier for people travelling abroad to grasp the local lingo and culture.

Also, how wrong is it to presume to acclimatise ourselves to other cultures in a way that alienates ourselves from those same cultures through our disrespect of a crucial aspect of their national identity.

Forcing our own names onto other countries is little better than forcing family names onto servants – just as the slave-owners used to do in the days before abolition. This may have been acceptable over a century ago but it surely has no place in the world nowadays.

Things need to change. If we truly want to embrace our overseas relations then perhaps we should start by not foisting our own (for them) alien words onto them. We would expect respect for our culture and our land and we should extend the same courtesy to others and abandon the out-of-date and inappropriate approach to naming countries in our own language.

Tipping sketch - Mercorabilia

The inspiration for this sketch came from spotting the tipping jar in my local coffee shop (which I always try to contribute to - she says modestly)

<Customer repeatedly drop a coin in the tip jar, pick it out and then puts it back in>
Barista: What are you doing?
Customer: Just tipping you
Barista: For the third time?
Customer: What do you mean?
Barista: That’s the third time you’ve put the coin in, reached in to retrieve it and then put it in again.
Customer: Oh, I didn’t realise you’d seen me.
Barista: Well, of course I saw you.
Customer: Well, you might have said something to acknowledge it.
Barista: Why?
Customer: Didn’t you think it odd the first time I picked the coin back out?
Barista: I thought you were being indecisive.
Customer: I was just waiting for some acknowledgement of my gesture. I didn’t have to give you a tip, you know.
Barista: Yes, I know.
Customer: I could have just taken my order and walked out of the shop to destinations unknown.
Barista: That’s true.
Customer:  I could have just walked away and you’d never have known what a kind, warm-hearted considerate sort of person I am.
Barista: I know, sir, and I’m very grateful.
Customer: There now - was that so hard? Oh, drat!
Barista: What?
Customer: I put a pound in – I only meant to put 50p.
Barista: Sorry – no refunds. Have a nice day.

The Digestion Song - !!!NEW!!!

Sitting here eating my dinner and my mind wanders to just how complicated it actually is for a body to process food - we do it all subconsciously but a lot of work goes into it.

Do-Re-Mi The Digestion Song not from The Sound Of Music
First - the food goes in your mouth
Then - it gets chewed by your teeth
Next - your tongue collects it up
And - it passes down your throat
Then - it travels to your gut
Where - it’s digested inside
Then - goes through your intestines
And comes out through your butt, but, but, but

First - the food goes in your mouth
Then - it gets chewed by your teeth
Next - your tongue collects it up
And - it passes down your throat
Then - it travels to your gut
Where - it’s digested inside
Then - goes through your intestines
And comes out through your butt, but, but, but

First - the food goes in your mouth
Then - it gets chewed by your teeth
Next - your tongue collects it up
And - it passes down your throat
Then - it travels to your gut
Where - it’s digested inside
Then - goes through your intestines
And comes out through your butt!

Table For 1 sketch - Mercorabilia

The opening situation to this sketch will be familiar to many - and personally I've never quite understood it (unless the waiter's on commission and gets extra for the more people he seats per table). Maybe we should all have this reaction.

<Man walks into restaurant alone>
Waiter: Good evening, sir.
Customer: Good evening.
Waiter: Table for 1?
<Man looks around him>
Customer: Sorry?
Waiter: Table for 1?
Customer: Have you been drinking?
Waiter: No, sir. Why?
Customer: Well, I was just wondering how many people you can see if you need to ask how many the table’s for.
Waiter: Very funny, sir. So a table for 1 then.
Customer: Yes – oh no, wait – my invisible twin brother will need a seat too.
Waiter: Sir is a wit. This way.
Customer: Can I just ask you something?
Waiter: Certainly, sir.
Customer: It’s just...You saw me walk into this restaurant alone. You saw me walk over to you alone. And yet you still asked me how many the table was for. If you know I’m on my own, you know for a fact that no-one else is with me, why on earth would you ask if I want a table for one?
Waiter: Habit?

Fast for the Past - !!!NEW!!!

This entry is inspired by the brilliant poem 'Dust If You Must' by Rose Milligan. Instead of referring to housework, it is altered to focus on another equally bizarre obsession that many women seem to have - dieting. 

Dust If You Must Fast For The Past not by Rose Milligan

Fast for the past, but didn’t you know
You’ll lose your natural, healthy glow,
You think you need to shed some fat
(But) You’re beautiful now – remember that

Fast for the past, but you’re missing out,
There’s so many wonderful things about;
Some unusual and some sublime
New meals are created all the time.

Fast for the past, but just beware
That health and weight – there’s no link there 
A diet can’t guarantee delight
There’s many an unhappy person who’s slight

Fast for the past, but bear in mind,
Those days are gone far behind.
(And) when you are old and looking back
Won’t you wish you’d eaten that?