Today marks the 100th anniversary of the armistice of the First World War.
100 years ago today, 4 years of bloodshed and strife finally ended and the world knew peace once more.
In honour of this, I have penned a parody piece of an infamous monologue by a great British comedy actor.
Albert & The Lion Cannon not by Stanley Holloway
There’s a famous place in France called The Somme,
About as much fun as Verdun,
Where Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Were soon to send Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his kit; what a guy
With a gun with a bayonet on it,
The finest the gov’ment would buy.
They didn’t think much of the fighting:
The war, it was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no news of anything dreadful,
Fact, nothing to fear of at all.
So, thinking no more of the danger,
They sent off their son to the front,
To fight for his king and for his country,
A risk but maybe worth a punt.
There were one great big cannon called Wilhelm;
The spiller of many men’s blood-
It lay behind German defenses,
With its base many feet in the mud.
Now Albert had heard about battles,
How they was ferocious and mad-
To see No Man’s Land looking so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the lad.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his gun with a bayonet on it
And charged ‘cause he thought the coast clear.
You could see that the Germans didn’t like it,
They fired Wilhelm at Albert’s head,
Their aim was unfortunately spot on,
And down fell the little lad dead.
Soon Pa, when told of the occurence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said “Mother! Yon cannon’s killed Albert”,
And Mother said, ‘Well I am vexed!”
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom-
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done-
Complained to the army commander,
That a cannon had murdered their son.
The Major was quite calm about it;
He said “Oh, I’m sure it’s a joke.
How do you know it’s your boy that’s been killed?”
Pa said “How’d I know? Here’s the note!”
The General had to be sent for.
He came and he said “What’s all this?”
Pa said “Yon cannon’s killed Albert,
And we thought that they always miss.”
The Mother said, “Right’s right, young feller;
I think it’s a shame and a sin,
For a cannon to go and kill Albert,
We don’t have another like him.”
The General wanted no trouble,
He tried to send them both away,
Saying “Don’t bother me with this matter.”
And Pa said “Oi! Can’t you hear what we say?”
Poor Mother had got a bit upset
When she thought that her Albert had gone.
She said “No! Someone’s got to be summonsed”-
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the enquiry,
In front of the Magistrate bloke;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing the note.
The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing,
“And thank you, sir, kindly,” said she.
“What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy cannons? Not me!”
