Raleigh on Trial sketch - Mercorabilia

Sort of continuing the 'don't talk about' theme of this month, I present my latest sketch - Sir Walter Raleigh on trial.

Judge: Sir Walter Raleigh – you stand accused of bringing numerous dangerous discoveries back from the New World. Thus endangering the lives of people living here in England. How do you plead?
Raleigh: Not guilty.
Judge: Very well – have it your way. The first charge relates to that filthy ‘herb’ known as tobacco – which you introduced into England and…
Raleigh: Actually, I didn’t.
Judge: What?
Raleigh: I didn’t introduce tobacco to England. That was John Hawkins.
Judge: It was?
Raleigh: Yup. Although John Nicot’s probably equally to blame. After all, where do you think we get the word ‘nicotine’ from?
Judge: Oh, alright. Well, on the next charge – destroying English cuisine. By introducing the potato to our kitchens you have caused untold blight on the…
Raleigh: Sorry – if I could just stop you there. I didn’t introduce the potato to England.
Judge: Hmph. Well, what about removing your cloak and placing it in a puddle of muddy water. Thereby befouling the garment and…
Raleigh: Nope. Didn’t do that either.
Judge: Really?
Raleigh: Yup.
Judge: <sighs> Well, then what are you famous for?
Raleigh: Er… well, I did sail to the New World. Tried to set up a colony on Roanoke Island.
Judge: That’d be the Lost Colony of Roanoke Island, would it?
Raleigh: Er… yes. I tried several times to find El Dorado – the lost city of gold.
Judge: Did you find it?
Raleigh: No. No, it’s still lost. And then when the Queen died I supported her cousin Arbella over King James.
Judge: You lost that too.
Raleigh: Yes. Although James forgave me… up until my last expedition where some of my men attacked a Spanish outpost thereby contravening the Anglo-Spanish peace treaty.
Judge: Aha! Yes – you definitely did do that. And that’s treason. Guards - off with his head!
Raleigh: But that was my men – not me.
Judge: Potato-potarto.
Raleigh: Looks like that’s another thing I’ve lost.