Apologies again to John Finnemore but I just couldn’t help doing another twist on his brilliant Herod sketch this time using the first ever Disney villain.
HUNTSMAN: Morning, Oh Great Queen
- our mighty leader, fount of all beauty, mistress of my destiny, before whom I
am as the worm before the boot. Oh hallowed ruler-
EVIL QUEEN: Yes alright, Huntsman.
We can dispense with the formalities.
HUNTSMAN: As you wish, my Queen.
How can I be of assistance?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I’ve just had
a rather odd conversation with a very good friend of mine.
HUNTSMAN: Oh, yes? And who
might that be?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, if you must
know, it was my mirror.
HUNTSMAN: Your mirror?
EVIL QUEEN: Yes, that’s right. And
it told me something rather worrying – I was asking it this and that and I
happened to notice just how fair it made me look and you know how I like that.
HUNTSMAN: Oh yes, majesty. I mean, you’re
a very beautiful woman.
EVIL QUEEN: Haha. I really am.
So I - you know - hinted I’d quite like to know who was the fairest of all. And the
mirror said he was sorry because it used to be me. And anyway - to cut a long
story short - it turns out it reckons that it’s now my stepdaughter who is the
fairest of us all.
HUNTSMAN: Ah.
EVIL QUEEN: And I’m the Queen.
HUNTSMAN: Indeed you are.
EVIL QUEEN: Which means I should
be the most beautiful. But now this kid technically outranks me.
HUNTSMAN: Well, if that is
the case.
EVIL QUEEN: Hmm.
HUNTSMAN: Doesn’t mean it’s
true though, does it? I point out you only have a mirror’s word for it even if it can in fact talk. I really don’t think it’s anything to worry about.
EVIL QUEEN: Hmm. I want you to kill
her and cut her heart out to prove she’s dead.
HUNTSMAN: Well, that’s one
way we could go - yes.
EVIL QUEEN: So the first thing you’re
going to need is a very sharp knife…
HUNTSMAN: Can I just recap –
there’s a possibility your stepdaughter is now prettier than you and this means
you’re not the fairest of them all so I should kill this little girl and cut
her heart out.
EVIL QUEEN: Yes.
HUNTSMAN: And we’re not
worried that might be a bit of an overreaction.
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I don't want anyone to be fairer than me, do I?
HUNTSMAN: No apparently not.
Do we think this mirror’s reliable?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, we can’t be
too careful.
HUNTSMAN: I just wonder, your
majesty, if there’s a slightly less homicidal solution to the problem. Like
maybe trying a new beauty regime so you can regain your title.
EVIL QUEEN: No, I see where
you’re coming from but I think I’ll stick with killing her and cutting out her
heart – it’s just easier.
HUNTSMAN: I’m not sure it
will be easier actually. I wouldn’t surprised if she was really quite cheeky
about hiding from you or running away into the forest. I mean she does respect
you, oh great Queen, but you know how funny people get. And it occurs to
me that if we do… kill your stepdaughter but it turns out someone else is then fairer
than you we’re going to find ourselves in exactly the same situation. And all because
of a mirror? It’s going to be something of a public relations nightmare.
EVIL QUEEN: I understand all
that but I really think I need to go with my gut instinct on this one. I mean, not
being the fairest of all? That would be really annoying.
HUNTSMAN: Ok. As it happens, oh
Queen, the wife and I have a child ourselves.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh, yes?
HUNTSMAN: Mmm. And strangely
enough we think they’re very fair.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh really? Boy or
girl?
HUNTSMAN: A girl.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh, dear. I am
sorry.
HUNTSMAN: Yes. The thing is
I’m reasonably certain that’s a subjective opinion. And I’m absolutely certain
she wouldn’t become the fairest of them all just to spite you.
EVIL QUEEN: No, I believe you -
of course I do - but I couldn’t be seen to be making exceptions. That would
make me very unpopular.
HUNTSMAN: You know, I can’t
help wondering, my Queen, if this is actually less to do with the possibility that
your stepdaughter might possibly be fairer than you because of something your
mirror said and more to do with getting back at her because her father, the
king, preferred her to you.
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I couldn’t
possibly comment but maybe next time she’ll remember who is the fairest of them
all!
