Shower sketch - Mercorabilia

Oh what the heck - have another:

<tense music plays>
A: Right. I’m almost there. Maybe if it turn the dial just slightly to the right.
<sound of a blast of water>
A: Argh! No – too far! Maybe a bit to the left.
<sound of a blast of water>
A: Argh! Too cold! Too cold!
<sound of knocking on door>
B: (Off) What on earth are you doing in there?
A: I’m just trying to get the temperature right on this shower.
B: (Off) But you’ve been in there an hour and a half!
A: I know. But if a job’s worth doing...
B: (Off) There are other people who want to use the bathroom
A: I won’t be much longer.
B: (Off) You said that half an hour ago.
A: Well, it’s delicate work this.
B: (Off) If you have so much trouble with the shower, why not just have a sink wash?
A: I like the shower
B: (Off) So do I. but I can never get in there.
A: You’ll just have to wait your turn.
B: (Off) Wait my…! Right!
<sound of door opening>
A: What are you doing?
B: Are you coming out or not?
A: Not.
B: Don’t make me use the flush.
A: You wouldn’t dare!
<sound of toilet flushing>
A: Argh! Alright - I’m out! I’m out!
<background sound of shower ends>
B: At last! Close the door on your way out.
<sound of closing door>
B: Now then – time for a nice shower.
<sound of shower turning on>
B: Hmm. Maybe a bit warmer.
<sound of a blast of water>
B: Ooh – too hot! Maybe a bit colder.
<sound of a blast of water>
B: Hmm – too cold. This is obviously going to take a while.

Toaster sketch - Mercorabilia

So my laptop broke a few weeks ago. Luckily its replacement has now arrived. So... have a sketch!

General: My lords and… other lords. I, the General of Electric, present to you my latest and, dare I say, greatest invention. Behold <flourish as a cloth covering is removed> a toaster!

<sounds of oohs and aahs>

Scientist A: It’s beautiful!

Scientist B: It’s wonderful!

Scientist A: How does it work?

General: It’s quite simple. The plain untoasted bread is inserted into either of the TWO purpose-built slots on the top here.  I push this lever which lowers the bread into the bowels of the machine. After an indeterminate length of time, there is a ping! sound and the prepared toast emerges back up through the slot. And it is thus that I intend the process of making toast will become fully automated!

Scientist C: Are you sure?

General: What?
Scientist C: Are you sure it’ll be automated? You don’t think the person operating the toaster will be compelled to hover around the toaster to keep an eye on it while it works - just to be on the safe side?

General: No! They won’t! It’ll be absolutely fine!

Scientist C: So how long does it take?

General: Ah. Now - the machine is fitted with 6 time settings numbered 1 to 6 on the dial on the side here.

Scientist C: And these represent the minutes for toasting?

General: <laughs> Of course not! They denote how well you want your toast done.

Scientist C: I see.

General: 1 is for those who enjoy warm bread. 2 is for charcoal. 3 is for ash. 4 is for lightly darker ash…

Scientist C: Excuse me – ash? Who would want ash?

General: Loads of people. Now, as I was saying…

Scientist C: But isn’t there a setting for just nicely done toast? Something between 1 and 2?

General: But that would be 1.5! You can’t have a half measure – that’s ridiculous!

Scientist C: Is it?

General: Of course!

Scientist C: Oh. Well, I’m sorry, General, but I’m afraid I’ll be sticking with more traditional methods.

General: Such as?

Scientist C: Release the flaming arrow!

<sound of an arrow being loosed and striking its target followed by the sound of singeing>

Scientist C: Ah – lovely.