Sunday 27 January 2019

Caller ID sketch - Mercorabilia

I went to a recording of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme on Friday and, as before, it inspired me to write a new sketch.

<ringing>
<beep as phone is answered>
Ben: Hi Fleur.
Bill: Er... no - it's not Fleur, actually. It's Bill.
Ben: <nervous laugh> No, it's not.
Bill: Yes, it is.
Ben: But it says Fleur on my phone.
Bill: Well, you can clearly tell it's not Fleur.
Ben: But on my Caller ID - you know, the ID that tells me who's calling - it says Fleur.
Bill: Yes, it would - that's because I'm using her phone.
Ben: You can't do that.
Bill: What?
Ben: You can't do that. It's... it's not allowed.
Bill: Why not?
Ben: Because... it's against the law of physics.
Bill: It's what?
Ben: Well, think about it - the Caller ID function was specifically designed to alleviate the constant trepidation experienced by those receiving unknown phone calls who, for years, were faced with the quandary of not knowing who the caller was until they picked up the receiver - finally alleviated with the scientific breakthrough of Caller ID that allowed you to know who was calling before you answered. Until someone comes along who negates that very concept by using a phone that doesn't belong to them and forces the phone to falsify its information thus denying its sole purpose and raison d'etre, questioning its very existence and doing untold damage to the structure of the universe as we know it!
Bill: So what can we do?
Ben: You could ring me back on your phone.
Bill: But I'm already speaking to you on this phone.
Ben: Well, I suppose if you could somehow change the wording of my Caller ID so that instead of saying 'Fleur Calling' it says 'Fleur - actually Bill'.
Bill: But I can't do that - it's the setting on your phone.
Ben: Oh well, in that case, I guess the only thing to be done is for you to ring me back on your phone.
Bill: Fine.
<click>
Ben: Finally.
<ringing>
Ben: Hi Bill. How lovely to hear from you - so unexpected.
Bill: <unimpressed> Isn't it just.
Ben: What can I do for you?
Bill: I just wanted to say... Fleur wants to speak to you.

Monday 7 January 2019

The Republican - !!!NEW!!!

Happy New Year! And we start 2019 with another song inspired by a mix-up of lyrics coming to mind.

The Hippopotamus The Republican not by Flanders and Swann
A fat old Republican was standing one day
Resenting the new feminist rise
He grabbed at a bottom that was walking away
And cursed his small hands for their size
Said I can do better at running this lot
I’m so good at business, it’s true
That old Republican thought ‘I’ll win, know I can’
But no-one else thought he’d get through*

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

The fat old Republican with power in his sights
With no need to ask others for funds
He’d dispose of healthcare and of course women’s rights
But would not get rid of those guns
The whole world it rose up in angry revolt
And they begged for all the Yanks to see
This great ignoramus so keen to be famous
With no sign of ability

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

Though now he’s inducted, it’s not over yet
It’s up to all of us now to show
Though a loophole allowed  him the white house to get
He’s not the one we want there - oh no!
Don’t agree with pol’cies of hatred and greed 
Or letting all the Russians take rein
So gather an army against Mr Smarmy
And don’t let him get in again 

Trump, Trump, President Trump
Hair like a mongrel and face like a rump
Oh, horror of horrors
He’s caused so much bother
How long til we get rid of President Trump?

*Alternate verse ending:
Said I can do better at running this lot
A black president is a farce
That old Republican thought ‘I’ll win, know I can’
And now we’re all stuck with this a-!