Doctor Who's On First - Mercorabilia

Inspired by a recent Stephen Colbert skit featuring David Tennant, I thought I'd rejig the infamous Abbott & Costello baseball sketch to suit the two stars more appropriately.

Abbott: Well Costello, We’ve got quite a line up on the show tonight.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the host, you must know all the guests.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met any of them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's appearing on the show.
Abbott: Well, let's see, we have the latest Doctor Who's on first, then the star of a documentary about James Watt's on second, then an actress Ida Noe is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: So that’s Who's on first, Watt's on second, Ida Noe’s on third.
Costello: Are you the host?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be interviewing too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the guests’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the guest’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest coming on...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott: That's the guest's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got someone coming out first?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's coming on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you bring on the first guest tonight, who’s coming?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest that’s coming...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who’s coming on first...
Abbott: He is, absolutely. After all his wife’s in the front row.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you bring on the first guest, how do they pronounce their name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guest.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How do they pronounce...
Abbott: That's how he says it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guest’s name on first.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One guest at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the line-up around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guest on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guest’s name on first?
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third, we're not talking about her.
Costello: Now how did I get on the third guest?
Abbott: Why you mentioned her name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third guest’s name, who did I say is coming third?
Abbott: No. Who's coming first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: She's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third guest and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's coming on third?
Abbott: Why do you insist on bringing Who on third?
Costello: What am I putting in third.
Abbott: No. Watt is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you got a orchestra?
Abbott: Sure. All the way from China.
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's conducting the orchestra.
Abbott: Who's coming on first.
Costello: I'm not... stay off of the guest list! I want to know what's the conductor’s name in the orchestra?
Abbott: No, Watt is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: The conductor’s name?
Abbott: Wai.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's double bass.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta singer on this show?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The singer’s name?
Abbott: Tamara.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tamara!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's singing?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not singing…
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the singer’s name?
Abbott: Watt's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third guest!
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a chat host too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the mike to do some fancy hosting, Tamara’s singing on my show and the orchestra hots up. Now the orchestra starts the show. When they start the show, me, being a good host, I'm gonna announce the guest on first. So I pick up the mike and say welcome to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to announce the first guest.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I announce the first guest, somebody's gotta come out. Now who is it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Natalie?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the mike and I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: No you don't, you say welcome to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I say welcome to Natalie.
Abbott: You say it to Who.
Costello: Natalie.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I say welcome to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You say welcome to Who?
Costello: Natalie
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I say welcome to who. Whoever it is does their bit and we move on to second. Who picks up the mike and passes it to Watt. Watt passes it on to Ida Noe. Ida Noe passes it on to Tamara, interval. The orchestra gets up and starts a long slow tune with Because. Er… Wai? Ida Noe! She's on third and That’s All Folks!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said That’s All Folks!
Abbott: Oh, he’s on next week.