Wolf Hall Advent Calendar - 1

Welcome to the 2024 caption advent calendar.

Let's start as always with door number 1: 

From The Mind of Merc - Sexism

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, following on from last month's post about misattributed inventions, I was thinking about sexism (again).

Following on from an earlier post about discrimination, it still baffles me as to why anyone would contemplate or be happy with having a sexist standpoint.
1)      How can anyone think they are better than another person because of their gender? A difference in appearance never means a difference in value or worth.
2)      How can anyone think it’s better to suppress the other gender? Especially when that can only be to the detriment of the entire species.

Going back to a previous post about stolen inventions, there are numerous occasions when women have demonstrated the exceptional contribution that have capability of making to the human race and yet they are continually shut down, shut out and generally told to shut up because they are not male. The key examples for me are undoubtedly Rosalind Franklin (I highly doubt Crick & Watson would have achieved what they did without Franklin’s work), Ada Lovelace (who actually wrote the programme Charles Babbage used for his machine), Katherine Johnson and Grace Hopper (2 amazingly gifted women who were crucial to the success of their companies – NASA and US Navy respectively).

Why is it so terrible for a woman to have created (or, apparently worse, be credited with) her achievements? What in the world makes sense in obstructing the possibility for development and improvement that including women and allowing an indiscriminate and unbiased approach to all walks of life could present? Just think what we could have achieved if men throughout history had not been so determined to obstruct, put down and ignore all the bright, gifted and capable women they encountered. If more women like Joan of Arc had been allowed or even encouraged to fight, particularly on the English side, would it instead have been them who prevailed? What if there had been less focus on only men being able to rule (a blatant fallacy given one of the first female rulers – Elizabeth I – ushered in a ‘Golden Age’ for her people), could the country have prospered further?

All those women who desperately sought education or a certain/political career and were denied because of their gender – what significant and potentially positive difference could they have made that could have improved the lives of everyone in the world? And, rather than asking the same question 100 years from now, shouldn’t this exclusion and prejudice finally stop for our own sakes? The choice is common sense or being counterproductive - surely this is not difficult.

As Robin Williams once remarked – particularly relevant given the recent US elections – “…there should a woman president…there would never be any wars - just every 28 days some intense negotiations.”

Balls - !!!NEW!!!

Today's parody is a twist on the LunchMoney Lewis song that just changes one letter in the title.

Bills Balls not by LunchMoney Lewis
I got balls you wanna play
It is great to pass the time of day
You got one that’s all you need
Because it means fun is guaranteed
I got balls 

All these balls bounce round me now
I can’t wait to enjoy
Lots of little kids run around
I can hear their cries of joy
Go get your boots on
And this game we will soon deploy
You don’t wanna miss out
And we sure don’t want to annoy
Won’t annoy? Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no

I got balls you wanna play
It is great to pass the time of day
You got one that’s all you need
Because it means fun is guaranteed
I got balls

 

Jump up - hit it with your head
I can see another goal ahead
One more and we will soon take the lead
Just one good shot is all that we need
It’s such fun to kick this ball about
And so much more to run around and shout
It’s also fun to play all together
Praying of course for some nice weather
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
All cheer, all cheer, all cheer, all cheer
All cheer, oh yeah, all cheer, oh yeah

I got balls you wanna play
It is great to pass the time of day
You got one that’s all you need
Because it means fun is guaranteed
I got balls

And my shoes, my shoes
I said my shoes
Can’t forget those

I got balls you wanna play
It is great to pass the time of day
You got one that’s all you need
And we’ll soon see who will take the lead
I got balls you wanna play
It is great to pass the time of day
You got one that’s all you need
And we’ll soon see who will take the lead
I got balls

Your momma got balls, your daddy got balls
Your sister got balls, Your auntie got balls (I got balls)
Your uncle got balls
Everybody got balls, everybody got balls, uh

Sh*t Beneath My Shoes - !!!NEW!!!

Today's parody turns a well-known ballad and reverses the sentiment to one that would be more appropriate if the subject wasn't so accolade worthy. Or, to put it another way, here's a new break-up song.

Wind Beneath My Wings Sh*t Beneath My Shoes not by Bette Midler
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It was so cold out there in your shadow
To never have sunlight on my face
But now it is my time to shine, so I say
That you are just a waste of space

So I’m now the one to get the glory
While you are the one out in the rain
I put up with your cr*p behaviour for so long
But now you’re the one to face the pain 

Did you ever know that you're an @sshole
And that’s the only thing you can do?
You are much lower than an weevil
Yes, you are the sh*t beneath my shoes

For so long it all just went unnoticed
I just took it all into my heart
I want you to know I know the truth, and you should know it
I want nothing to do with you

Did you ever know that you're an @sshole
And that’s the only thing you can do?
You are much lower than an weevil
Yes, you are the sh*t beneath my shoes

Did you ever know that you're an @sshole
And that’s the only thing you can do?
You are much lower than an weevil
Yes, you are the sh*t beneath my shoes
Oh, you are the sh*t beneath my shoes 

Oh, the sh*t beneath my shoes
You, you, you, you are the sh*t beneath my shoes
Go, go, go away, you can go far away
Oh, you, you, you, the sh*t beneath my shoes
Oh, you, you, you, the sh*t beneath my shoes

Go, go, go so so far away
So far that you can’t hear me say
F*ck you, f*ck you
F*ck all of you, the sh*t beneath my shoes

From The Mind of Merc - Remakes

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about film directors.

In a way this follows on from last month's post but also flips it on its head as, instead of the issue being those with questionable judgment exerting their influence over the life and works of others, this time I was contemplating those with unlimited (for which one might read excessive) self-image exerting their influence of the work and achievements of others. To put it bluntly, I was considering remakes - specifically when a renowned director takes it upon themselves to demonstrate their consummate skill by remaking a classic and often much loved piece.

To me, this has never made sense for 2 reasons:

1) If it is a classic and/or much loved, why does it need to be remade? Clearly the original filmmaker got it right first time. If the new director loves it so much maybe they could organise its re-release to share this love with others rather than implying they think they can do better.

2) Surely a better 'test' of the director's film-making skill would be to take a film that was an acknowledged flop and turn that into a much loved classic. By remaking a bad film into something that is good that has to be undeniable proof that they are as good as they clearly believe themselves to be.
Possible candidates include: John Carter, Waterworld, Mars Needs Moms

It could theoretically be the proposed case that remakes are made because Hollywood is 'out of ideas'. Although I personally believe to that it is more accurate that Hollywood doesn't want to take a risk on new ideas. In which case it is falling foul of my previous observations (and post) of those in a position of power/judgement - in this instance, film producers - possibly obstructing the creation of something wonderful through their own potentially misguided/misplaced judgement. 

Overall, I firmly believe classics should be allowed to be just that and instead new ideas (or flops) should be given the chance to become that. After all, the following classics were big risks for their makers:
- Snow White: The first ever feature length cartoon - a major risk for Disney but the start of his empire
- Iron Man: A risky first movie which then launched a franchise
- Avatar: A CGI-heavy film could have been viewed as too risky
- Batman: Tim Burton took a camp 60s TV series and turned it into a gritty, compelling classic
- Die Hard: The star of this action flick was not the muscle-bound hero that might have been expected
- Titanic: A film with a run time of over 3 hours wins the most Oscars ever
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Making a film (which spawned a franchise) out of a fairground ride? Sounds a bit risky
- Get Out: Giving a comedian the chance to direct a horror film? That worked 

My Romana - !!!NEW!!!

And now with a nod to the 4th (and his perhaps most famous companion):

My Sharona My Romana not by The Knack
Not long after Leela’s gone, Leela’s gone
I’ll get a new companion – it’s Romana
She’ll help find the Key to Time, the Key to Time
She is my new number one – it’s Romana 

Such a stylish sight, dressed in white, with a clever mind
Yes she is such a pearl, special girl, a lady of time
My, my, my, I, yi, woo!
M-m-m-my Romana

Once all the pieces are found and spread around
She will then take on a new form – Romana
After trying several, short and tall
She picks one that will be her new norm – Romana

Now she is revived, and a blonde, with a playful tone
More adventures to find, travel on, in our phone box home
My, my, my, I, yi, woo!
M-m-m-my, my, my, I, yi, woo!

After some more time with me, t-time with me
Could this be the end of the line, Romana?
Timelords want her back you see, back you see
So she’ll go and leave me behind – Romana

Won’t ever forget, no - not yet, ‘bout her, cos you see
She’s such as shining star, she’ll go far, it’s her destiny
My, my, my, I, yi, woo!
M-m-m-my Romana
M-m-m-my Romana

M-m-m-my Romana
M-m-m-my Romana
M-m-m-my Romana
M-m-m-my Romana

Mmh, ohh, my Romana
Mmh, ohh, my Romana
Mmh, ohh, my Romana

Aggedor - !!!NEW!!!

Continuing the Whovian theme this month - first with a nod to the 3rd Doctor's era:

Agadoo Aggedor not by Black Lace
Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, finds it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty 

On the Peladon planet there is consternation
While they quibble to decide to join the federation
The Doctor and Miss Jo Grant soon arrive to save the day
And when the evil is done they will quietly slip away

It was thought the doctor had
Defiled the beast’s shrine
But he will defy this plan
And win in the nick of time

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

The prince then it seems
Has fall(en) for Josephine
And if she agreed
He’d make her his queen

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

It was thought the doctor had
Defiled the beast’s shrine
But he will defy this plan
And win in the nick of time

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

Aggedor dor dor, the monster of Peladon
Aggedor dor dor, if you linger you’ll be gone
Down in caves, dank and dark, find it easier to smell than see
With their horn, tusks and claws they’re a symbol of royalty

From The Mind of Merc - Rejected Film Cuts

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about film producers and their (sometimes regrettable) influence over movies.

Following on from last month's post about drama schools, another area where I feel questionable senses of judgment have a potentially negative impact is film producers.

The moneymen have the regrettable power to affect the work produced by new and established directors regardless of the skill/vision/knowledge/common sense of said directors and this has often had disastrous results. The phenomena is seemingly so common that a whole pseudonym has been created (Alan Smithee) to give the affected directors a get-out clause so they can wash their hands of 'their' film once the producers have finished messing with it. 

These following films ended up dramatically different to how they were originally intended (in many cases, the success of the director's cuts proves just how wrong the producers were):
- Hancock: Intended as a dark look at superheroes dealing with various serious topics, this ended up as a 'fun action comedy'
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine: This again was intended to be darker before the producers interfered. Aside from sewing shut Deadpool's mouth at the end of the movie, in this instance, their interference included painting the sets lighter colours when the director wasn't around(!)
- Superman II: The original director was fired when he was 75% through completing the movie and he was replaced with a director more familiar with comedic films, which dramatically affected the tone of the film.
- Kingdom of Heaven: The producers cut 45 minutes from Ridley Scott's final version in the hope it would encourage more people to come see it at the cinema. The actual effect was Scott's skill was questioned... until he released his director's cut which revealed the true culprits.
- Brazil: The producers of this Terry Gilliam classic re-edited the movie behind the director's back with a happier ending, a different tone and a rock and roll score. Even though Gilliam pre-empted this and managed to screen his version the producers still cut 10 minutes from the overall run time.
- All The Pretty Horses: This was intended to be a faithful adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy novel but producer, Harvey Weinstein, edited it down to 2 hours losing character development and its original score and then failed to release it.
- Once Upon A Time in America: The producers cut the film down from its proper 4 hours to 2, rearranged the scenes into chronological order(!) and deleted some that explained character decisions. Fortunately, the directors cut survived.
- Alien 3: Director David Fincher was hired after many others were fired by producers who believed the newbie would be easier to control (and more submissive to their excessive demands). When that failed they locked the director out of the editing bay.
- Bladerunner: The producers changed the ending of this film to a more happy one. Again, fortunately, the director's cut survived. 
- Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer: The Head of Fox decided to make Galactus into a cloud (says it all)
- Spiderman 3: The studio forced the director to include Venom in the film
- Suicide Squad: A last minute decision was made to change the tone of the film
- Golden Compass: The studio attempted to 'water down' the potential religious commentary contained in the original work and as as result also 'watered down' the success of the film by alienating fans of the books
- Justice League: The producers replaced the director, added a load of jokes and cut the film to a strict 2 hour runtime, creating a movie that was 'unwatchable'
- Fantastic Four: The studio went over the director's head to get the reshoots they wanted regardless of whether they matched with the gritty vision he had. The disastrous reviews prove the (lack of) success of that

These films came close to suffering the same fate:
- Lady & The Tramp: Disney tried to ban the spaghetti eating scene from being included. Luckily the animators ignored him.
- The Lion King: Disney executives removed the song 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' before Elton John objected
- Toy Story: This was originally ordered to be more 'adult-oriented'. When this proved disastrous, the much loved movie was created
- Gangs of New York: Producer Weinstein pestered director Martin Scorsese to work faster, change the gang names, Daniel Day-Lewis's costume and cut the film to 2 hours. Fortunately Scorsese won and the film earned 10 Oscar nominations
- Reservoir Dogs: Director Tarantino had to fight Weinstein to keep the ear-cutting scene in the movie
- Wizard of Oz: The song 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' was nearly cut from the film to decrease runtime
- The Godfather: Director Francis Ford Coppola had to fight for his casting choices of Marlon Brando and Al Pacino

Just think how many more classic and much loved films could have been created if the producers have only submitted their money not their opinion. And also, how much money might they have made? 

Gallifrey - !!!NEW!!!

And, to continue the Whovian theme for this month, a parody of an ABBA classic:

Waterloo Gallifrey not by ABBA
You know
On Gallifrey is where the Doctor started
Oh, yeah
Though it wasn’t long before he and the Timelords parted 

But the Doctor knows where he’s from
And he will ensure it goes on

Gallifrey
Never defeated – no, not at all
Gallifrey
We all know now that it’s falls no more 

Gallifrey
Though so far from it the Doctor roams
Gallifrey
He still knows where it is he calls home
Oh-oh-oh-oh-Gallifrey
He’ll never forget his Gallifrey

My, my
They tried to exile him, but it didn’t last
Oh, yeah
And whenever they need him they choose to forget the past

And how could he ever refuse
If he doesn’t win they all lose

Gallifrey
Never defeated – no, not at all
Gallifrey
We all know now that it’s falls no more 

Gallifrey
Though so far from it the Doctor roams
Gallifrey
He still knows where it is he calls home
Oh-oh-oh-oh-Gallifrey
He’ll never forget his Gallifrey 

And how could he ever refuse
If he doesn’t win they all lose

Gallifrey
Though so far from it the Doctor roams
Gallifrey
He still knows where it is he calls home
Oh-oh-oh-oh-Gallifrey
He’ll never forget his Gallifrey
Ooh-ooh, Gallifrey
They know the Doctor’ll save the day

Oh-oh-oh-oh-Gallifrey
He’ll never forget his Gallifrey
Ooh-ooh, Gallifrey

Supercalifragilisticexpialitimelord 2 - !!!NEW!!!

I was discussing my blog with a friend and came across a previous parody song which used the tune but not the word itself. This gave me an idea for a revision so here we are:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocioustimelord still not from Mary Poppins
It's supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Yes I might have just made up a brand spanking new word
But yet still you know exactly what it was that you heard
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I 

So why have I decided to make this new word today
It’s ‘cause I think there is a chance Mary’s from Gallifrey
If you think about it you’ll see they have a lot in common
Which is the very reason that this whole song was begun

Oh, supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Yes I might have just made up a brand spanking new word
But yet still you know exactly what it was that you heard
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I

They both travel around the world in their own unique ways
To improve the lives of others is how they spend their days
They don’t agree with convention though you might see them at one
And let’s not forget the carpet bag that defies dimensions 

Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Yes I might have just made up a brand spanking new word
But yet still you know exactly what it was that you heard
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I

You know you can say it backwards which is
Timelordaliexpisticfragicalirupus
But that's going a bit too far, don't you think?
Indubitably 

So next time you see that big blue box or her umbrella (Hello)
Just remember this song and you’ll see just how similar
There are probably other ways that these two do match up

For example
Yes?
What Missy’s wearing ain’t half close to Mary’s first get up
Oh, and it suits her loverly, too
Oh 

Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-timelord