Apologies to John Finnemore for this one. It's inspired by his absolutely (as Arthur Shappey would say) BRILLIANT Herod sketch with a twist that occurred to me when one of the key lines popped into my head the other day. I hope you like it and are not too offended.
(I would just like to say that I am not trying to belittle or mock the terrible events that constituted the Holocaust or the Final Solution - more to ridicule the fatuous and nonsensical decisions and leaders behind it - Never Again)
Himmler: Morning, Oh Great Hitler - our mighty leader, fount of all
wisdom, master of my destiny, before whom I am as the putz before the putsch.
Oh hallowed Chancellor from w-
Hitler: Yes alright, Heinrich. We can dispense with the
formalities.
Himmler: As you wish, mein Fuhrer. How can I be of
assistance?
Hitler: Well, I’ve just had a rather odd dinner with three
ministers who were passing through.
Himmler: Oh, yes? And which ones would they be?
Hitler: I don’t think I caught their names - they were just
three passing ministers.
Himmler: Bit odd.
Hitler: I thought that. They said something rather
worrying - we were talking about this and that and I happened to notice they
had quite a lot of artwork with them and you know how I like art.
Himmler: Oh yes, majesty. You’re an artaholic.
Hitler: Haha. I really am. So I - you know - hinted I’d
quite like a painting. And this chap said he was sorry but it was a present for
a friend’s bar mitzvah. And anyway - to cut a long story short - it turns out they
wanted to let me know that the war’s not going too well for the Axis powers.
Himmler: Ah.
Hitler: And I’m the leader of Germany.
Himmler: Indeed you are.
Hitler: Which is the main part of the Axis powers. So this
will look very very bad for me.
Himmler: Well, if that’s the case.
Hitler: Hmm.
Himmler: Doesn’t mean it’s true though, does it? I point
out you only have these men’s word for it even if they are in fact ministers. I
really don’t think it’s anything to worry about.
Hitler: Hmm. I’m going to kill all the Jews in Europe and say it’s their fault.
Himmler: Well, that’s one way we could go - yes.
Hitler: So the first thing we’re going to need is quite a
lot of men with brown shirts…
Himmler: Can I just recap – there’s a possibility the war’s
going badly for us and this will make you look bad so we should kill all the
Jews in Europe.
Hitler: Yes.
Himmler: And we’re not worried that might be a bit of an
overreaction.
Hitler: Well, we don’t want these Jews causing even more
trouble, do we?
Himmler: No, no, good point. Do we think it’s actually down
to the Jews?
Hitler: Well, we can’t be too careful.
Himmler: I just wonder, sire, if there’s a slightly less
genocidal solution to the problem. Like maybe reviewing our political
strategies to identify weaknesses we can improve.
Hitler: No, I see where you’re coming from but I think
I’ll stick with killing all the Jews – it’s just easier.
Himmler: I’m not sure it will be easier actually. I
wouldn’t surprised if people were really quite cheeky about hiding their
friends or running away from Europe. I mean
they all respect you, oh great Fuhrer, but you know how funny people get. And
it occurs to me that if we do… kill all the Jews but the progress of the war
still doesn’t improve and in fact starts going even worse for us we’re going to be left with pretty red
faces. And a lot of dead Jews. It’s going to be something of a public relations
nightmare.
Hitler: I understand all that but I really think I need to
go with my gut instinct on this one. I mean, losing the war? That would be
really annoying.
Himmler: Ok. As it happens, mein Fuhrer, the wife and I live in
Berlin.
Hitler: Oh, yes?
Himmler: Mmm. And strangely enough her cousin practices a
different faith.
Hitler: Oh really? What religion is he?
Himmler: Jewish
Hitler: Oh, dear. I am sorry.
Himmler: Yes. The thing is I’m reasonably certain he’s not
the cause of all Germany’s
problems. And I’m absolutely certain he’s not affecting the outcome of the war
by being Jewish.
Hitler: No, I believe you - of course I do - but we can’t
be seen to be making exceptions. That would make us very unpopular.
Himmler: You know, I can’t help wondering, mein Fuhrer, if
this actually less to do with the possible crisis that is possibly being caused
by the Jews that some unidentified ministers told you about and more to do with
getting back at them for being richer than you when you lived in Paris.
Hitler: Well, I couldn’t possibly comment but maybe next
time they’ll remember who’s the sodding Fuhrer!
