From The Mind of Merc - Difference

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the difference a few years can make. For example, in Tudor history.

King Henry VIII - the king infamous for his 6 wives - actually got through the last 4 in the last 10 years of his life. So much so that it shows a distinct difference in the attitude of the ladies of the court to winning the king's eye and his hand in marriage, as demonstrated by the image below.

True - Henry's size, weight, appearance and temper had all worsened by the time he wed no. 6 but still - that poor woman.

Eat 'Em All - !!!NEW!!!

This time I'm using one of Miley Cyrus's numbers for a parody about Cronos - chief titan of Greek mythology. After his successful overthrow of his father, Uranus, he had a slightly odd plan to keep hold of power.

Wrecking Ball Eat 'Em All not by Miley Cyrus
We fought, we won, our dad was done
I was now boss of them all
Although we’re safe I still can’t say
I won’t share the same fall 

Don't want that to be my own destiny
Overthrown by my son
To ensure my reign, and secure my gain
One thing must now be done 

I guess I’ll have to eat em all
It’s the only way to be safe
I’ll stop them while they’re all still so small
Then they will never defeat me
They won’t defeat me

We live so high up in the sky
And no, I’m not coming down
I like being, the one true king
There’s just one thing that makes me frown

Don't want that to be my own destiny
Overthrown by my son
To ensure my reign, and secure my gain
One thing must now be done

I guess I’ll have to eat em all
It’s the only way to be safe
I’ll stop them while they’re all still so small
Then they will never defeat me
They won’t defeat me

I guess I’ll have to eat em all
It’s the only way to be safe
I’ll stop them while they’re all still so small
Then they will never defeat me
They won’t defeat me

I do not want another war
I just want to always be on top
That is what I do this for
And no-one will make me stop
I do not want another war
I just want to always be on top
And no-one will make me stop

Don't want that to be my own destiny
Overthrown by my son

I guess I’ll have to eat em all
It’s the only way to be safe
I’ll stop them while they’re all still so small
Then they will never defeat me

I guess I’ll have to eat em all
It’s the only way to be safe
I’ll stop them while they’re all still so small
Then they will never defeat me
They won’t defeat me
They won’t defeat me

Perfect - !!!NEW!!!

Today a slight twist on a Lewis Capaldi number. If you took his song Pointless and completely changed the meaning you'd get....

Pointless Perfect not by Lewis Capaldi
I brought her coffee in the morning
She just wanted to sleep
I took her out to fancy restaurants
She said she didn’t want to eat
I made her cards on her birthday
She wanted store bought ones
I took her water when she's thirsty
She said she’d prefer none 

I thought that our love was fated
But I now have come to understand
Because now I see what she really means to me and

Despite all the time we spent
I’ve discovered that it’s true
Everything is perfect without you
Now I find all of my efforts
Don’t leave me feeling blue
Everything is perfect without you

I lit the fire when it was cold out
And she just left the room
I wanted her love for forever
But it would never bloom
I took her out to the movies
She said it’s overlong
I thought she was my everything
But in that too I was wrong

I thought that we were both meant to be
And her love was all I wanted
But after all I said and after all of what I did

Despite all the time we spent
I’ve discovered that it’s true
Everything is perfect without you
Now I find all of my efforts
Don’t leave me feeling blue
Everything is perfect without you

Fine without you
Fine without you
We are now so through
Fine without you
Fine without you
We are now so through

Despite all the time we spent
I’ve discovered that it’s true
Everything is perfect without you
Now I find all of my efforts
Don’t leave me feeling blue
Everything is perfect without you
Everything is perfect without you

From The Mind of Merc - Pride

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I took a trip to London where the Pride Parade was in full swing so I thought I'd share a short and simple message:

So Long And Thanks For Nothing - Mercorabilia

 He's gone! Hurray! That calls for a song.

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish Nothing not from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy 
So long and thanks for nothing mate
So sad that this has come too late
We all have wanted you out for years

You never did earn our respect
Because we never did detect
A shred of integrity or
Worth within you

So long, so long and thanks
for nothing mate

The country has been left destroyed
And that has made us all annoyed
Because it was your job to stop this happening

Despite your Brexit promises
It seems your real legacy is
A weakened economy and thou
sands of lives lost

So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long

So long, so long and thanks
for nothing mate 

If we could have one more wish
It would be to eject Rish(i)
If we could just learn one thing
It's to not vote Tories in

Come join our song
Boris is gone
That's a cause for celebration 

(oooohhh oooohhh oooaahhhhh- ah ahh)

So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long

So long, so long and, Thanks!
for nothing mate!

Turbulent Priest sketch - Mercorabilia

Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered on the orders of King Henry II in 1170. But did Henry really mean it?  

Knight: My lord.
King: Ah, it’s my loyal band of knights. Where have you been?
Knight: On our latest quest, my lord. As you ordered?
King: Er… as I ordered?
Knight: Yes – we heard your command, my king, and we hurried to Canterbury to obey it.
King: Right. And… er… what order might that have been?
Knight: You said you wanted someone to get rid of a troublesome clergyman.
King: Did I?
Knight: You did. We all heard you – you said, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?” So…
King: Ah. I see the problem. I only said that because I was really angry with him. But it was a heat of the moment thing. I didn’t actually mean it.
Knight: Oh. Well, I wish you’d let us know that before.
King: Before?
Knight: Well, you said you wanted to him dealt with.
King: Uh-huh.
Knight: So we have.
King: What do mean you have?
Knight: We killed him.
King: You did what?
Knight: Killed him. You wanted rid. So we got rid.
King: You killed an archbishop.
Knight: You told us too.
King: No I didn’t!
Knight: Well, we thought you did.
King: Oh, for pity’s sake. I didn’t mean… If I said I wanted you to jump off a cliff….
Knight: If you insist, sire. Boys – new mission. Let’s go!
King: No, no, come back. I wasn’t being serious… Surely you can tell the difference between a fit of pique and a royal command.
Knight: It’s not our duty to question orders, my lord. If someone says they want someone to rid them of a turbulent priest then what else are we supposed to assume except that you want someone to rid you of a turbulent priest.
(King: Well, I think that’s proves what happens when you assume something – you make an ass out of u and me.
Knight: I wouldn’t say we made an ass of him. More of a shish kebab.)
King: But they weren’t orders. They were just… oh, I don’t know. Now what am I going to do about all this mess?
Knight: Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that. I imagine the monks will clean it up.
King: Not that mess, you idiots! Have you any idea how angry the pope’s going to be when he hears about this.
Knight: Well, I don’t suppose he’ll be too pleased.
King: Pleased? I’ll be lucky if I don’t get excommunicated. And you lot will be for it too. You’ll probably be excommunicated as well. If Becket’s followers don’t get hold of you first. An eye for an eye and all that.
Knight: Good point. What are we going to do?
King: Well, I hear Scotland’s very nice this time of year. Better than the local cemetery.
Knight: Right, sire. Boys – good news – the boss has decided to give us a holiday. The bad news is we need to take it now. And fast. Scarper!
King: What a knightmare!

From The Mind of Merc - Inefficacy

 Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Bit late with this month's so I'll keep it short but today I was thinking about the inefficacy of the UK government.

We live in a country crippled by inflation which when compared with the improved state of the EU countries across the channel only serves to highlight the ineffectual and self-serving we are cursed with.

If members of the public are taking action and doing what the government should be doing, what on earth are we paying MPs £86,584 a year for?

Mary Mary sketch - Mercorabilia

The RHS Chelsea Flower Show kicks off today. I wonder if we'll see any entries like these:

Reporter: And today at the Royal Flower Show we have quite an unusual garden. I’m here with the creator of the garden – what’s your name?
Mary Mary: Mary
Reporter: Mary what?
Mary Mary: Mary
Reporter: So your name is Mary Mary?
Mary Mary: Yes
Reporter: Hmm – quite contrary. Anyway, tell us… Mary about your garden
Mary Mary: Well, I thought I should add something to keep birds away from my lovely garden. And what better way to do that than with some silver bells. When the wind blows, you can hear them – listen…
<sound of bells tinkling>
Reporter: Yes – they are quite pretty. And these are shells?
Mary Mary: Cockle shells, yes.
Reporter: Cockle shells. Does it matter whether the shells are cockle or not?
Mary Mary: Oh, absolutely…
Reporter: And what are these? Dolls?
Mary Mary: Oh no – they’re not dolls – they’re maids.
Reporter: Maids?
Mary Mary: Yes. Pretty maids.
Reporter: I see. I must say it's nice you've got them arranged like that. They're...
Mary Mary: All in a row.
Reporter: Yes. Well, there you have it. Quite a strong contender I think for the Nursery Rhymes section of the contest. Back to you in the studio.

King of the UK - !!!NEW!!!

Given I've gone parody songs for other royal occasions, this kinda had to be done. And as His Majesty is a lifelong fan of The Goons Show, what other tune was I going to use?

I'm Walking Backwards I'm Finally The King not by Spike Milligan 

I'm finally King of the UK

Which strides the Irish Sea

I'm finally King of the UK

That I've been heir of since 3

The robes they may look silly

And the crown it weighs a ton

But that's what I get for

Being born the eldest son

I'm finally King of the UK

And will be til I die

From The Mind of Merc - Double Standards

 Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about double standards.

I’ve done a similar exercise/example before (actually using one of the same individuals) but let’s just see what you think:

Person A is accused of abuse by one individual. They are subsequently ostracised and virtually blacklisted by Hollywood and evicted from several major franchises despite the fact that everyone else they know or have dated in the past comes to their defence asserting that they are not an abuser.

Person B is a proven abuser both by reputation and in court as reported by several previous partners. They are also exposed as a liar and a manipulator yet they are not even suspended from any of their current productions and seemingly face no repercussions for the aspersions they cast. 

How is this fair?

(In case you’re wondering/haven’t worked it out, Person A is Johnny Depp and Person B is Amber Heard. Johnny lost Pirates of the Caribbean and Fantastic Beasts thanks to Amber’s lies. Amber is still in Aquaman.
When Kevin Spacey was accused of abuse in 2017, his entire role in the film ‘All The Money In The World’ was reshot with Christopher Plummer so it’s clearly possible to do that. Yet for some reason there is still inaction on the part of Warner Bros – hence my comment on double standards)