Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be (Pt 3)

Yet another parody of this anonymous ditty but, let's face it, it's another worthy occasion.

Oh Dear, What Can The Matter Be also not by Anon

Oh dear, what can the matter be
Liz Truss has won her battle you see
Now she’s our new premier MP
What on earth will she do now? 

She started out just like any one of us
But decided to change her ways was a must
A New Tory that’s what she is Liz Truss
And look at what she’s done now 

A new PM sounds like a new chance but we
Now know that is not what she will be
Her mini budget won’t resolve poverty
In fact here’s what it has done 

The pound has slumped to a 31 year low
Those rising bills continue their upward flow
Tory assets meanwhile continue to grow
And they still come out on top 

Their job is to run England all safe and sound
Instead they will run it into the ground
Amongst that lot there is no hope to be found
Cos they don’t care about us 

Oh dear, what can the matter be
Liz Truss has won her battle you see
Now we’re stuck until well after ‘23
We’re counting down the months now

From The Mind of Merc - Ukraine

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the Ukraine. 

It seems relatively easy to dismiss the plight of this oppressed (& invaded) country from our thoughts so I endeavour to ensure it is never far from mine. And to demonstrate that, I am going to end this short piece with this simple image:

Egg sketch

And then an observation on another oh so normal occurrence.

Bill: Hey, Ben.
Ben: Yeah?
Bill: You see that feathery thing over there?
Ben: You mean the chicken?
Bill: Yeah. You see the hole at the end of it?
Ben: You mean the beak?
Bill: No – the other end.
Ben: Ok. What about it?
Bill: Have you ever thought about eating what comes out of it?
Ben: <pause> You know sometimes I worry about you.
Bill: What do you mean?
Ben: Well, like last week when you pointed to a cow’s udders and said you were going to squeeze those dangly things underneath it and drink what came out.
Bill: So what? It all worked out, didn’t it?
Ben: By sheer fluke. It could easily have gone terribly badly.
Bill: But it didn’t. So I think I’ve got a good chance of being right this time too. After all, I’m currently on a 100% success rate.
Ben: But it’s nuts! I mean would you want to eat what comes out of my ‘other end hole’.
Bill: Ew! No!
Ben: There you are then.
Bill: Yeah - but you’re not a chicken. Besides I wouldn’t have wanted to drink what came out if I’d squeezed your dangly bits either.
Ben: There’s no need to be personal.
Bill: Well, you started it.
Ben: And I’m ending it. You can’t look at an animal and decide ‘I’m going to eat whatever comes out of its rear end.
Bill: I can to!
Ben: You can not!
Bill: I can to and I’ll prove it – watch!
Ben: No Bill – seriously. Please don’t.
Bill: Just wait and watch.
Ben: I don’t think I want to.
Bill: It won’t take long – look the chicken’s sitting down already. And it… yes! It’s done it. Right – you see this oval-ish thing that just came out?
Ben: Yeah.
Bill: Well, watch me cos I’m going to eat it.
Ben: (to himself) To be honest, this isn’t going as badly as I thought it might
Bill: Watch
<crunch of the whole egg being eaten at once>
Ben: So how is it?
Bill: Alright. Bit crunchy and pointy. The bit in the middle’s delicious though. I might give that bit another try.

Tomato sketch - Mercorabilia

This month's catch-up starts with an observation on the simple act of eating a tomato. Was it always this simple?

Judge: Goody Badwife – you have been found guilty of the heinous crime of witchcraft and you have been sentenced to the most hideous of punishments – death… by tomato.
Crowd: <gasps>
Prisoner: No! Please! Anything but that!
Judge: Silence! The tomato, as we all know, is a member of the deadly nightshade family and thus an extremely poisonous plant. It will leave you writhing in hideous agony until your agonising and excruciating death.
Prisoner: No! Please! Give me another chance! If only I could…
Judge: Enough! Executioner – bring forth… the tomato.
Crowd: Ooh. Aah. Ohhh.
Judge: Now… eat!
Prisoner: <chewing> Er. Oh. Ugh. Ah!
Judge: Yes, that’s the poison now coursing through your veins as the agony takes hold of your body. Tell us now - how do you feel?
Prisoner: Er…. I feel fine actually. This is actually really good. Little bit unripe maybe.
Judge: What?!? That proves it – she must be a witch. No human could eat a tomato and live!
Villager: Uh… actually I have.
Judge: You have?
Villager: Yes. And she’s right – they’re rather nice actually.
Judge: Why didn’t you say anything?
Villager: Well, when you said they were so poisonous I figured maybe what I’d eaten hadn’t been a tomato after all. Turns out it was.
Judge: But this is preposterous! We can’t sentence someone to death and only have them eat a slightly unripe vegetable.
Prisoner: Well, I don’t really mind to be honest.
Judge: You don’t count. You’re the condemned party. We’ll have to come up with something else instead.
Prisoner: Oh, well. In the meantime have you got a napkin or something to wipe this tomato juice off with?
Judge: Napkin?!? We don’t waste napkins on witches. Executioner – chuck her in that lake to wash the juice off while we think of another punishment for her.
Prisoner: What? No! Wait! Please! I can’t swim!
<Splash>
Prisoner: Gurgle. Glug. Glug. Glug.
Judge: Hmm. It seems we’ve found our new method. 

From The Mind of Merc - Purchasing Power

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the power of the consumer. 

Not in the sense I believe I've previously spoken about of the ridiculousness of allowing retailers to tell us what we should want but more about the impact that every purchase can collectively have on the world of which so many of us are unaware and which I feel can be best summed up in this image:

Tom & Jerry sketch

And then with an observation on a popular children's cartoon.

Tom: Come back here! I’m gonna get you! Any minute now I…
Jerry: Woah, woah, hang on a minute.
Tom: What?
Jerry: Can I ask you something?
Tom: Er.. sure I guess.
Jerry: Why do we keep doing this?
Tom: What?
Jerry: This. Why do we keep running round and round the house together with you trying to catch me.
Tom: Well, I’m a cat and you’re a mouse. Cats chase mice.
Jerry: What for?
Tom: To eat them.
Jerry: <pause> And that’s your only option, is it?
Tom: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well… have you ever heard of cat food?
Tom: What?
Jerry: Cat food. Look.
<cupboard door opens>
Tom: Well, how am I supposed to eat that? It’s in a tin.
Jerry: That’s where this thing comes in handy.
Tom: What is it?
Jerry: A tin… opener! Watch
<tin opener whirrs>
Jerry: And now we just
<Cat food slops into bowl>
Jerry: Go on. Tuck in.
Tom: <chewing> Mmm. You know, this isn’t half bad.
Jerry: Told you.
Tom: But what happens when it runs out?
Jerry: That’s ok – there’s another can here. Whoops!
<thud as the can lands on Tom’s foot>
Tom: Ahhhhh!
Jerry: Sorry, Tom. I didn’t mean to drop it on your foot.
Tom: Why you little….! I oughta…! Just you wait…
Jerry: Now Tom – let’s be reasonable about this. It was an accident. Tom? Tom! Uh-oh. Here we go again!

(For those saying that Tom and Jerry never spoke - they have been known to on occasion. For example, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsZTxWuuUlU)

The Tiger Who Came To Tea sketch - Mercorabilia

So once again my moving house has caused a delay in my uploading my latest creations but I'm gradually catching up. First, by focusing on the admittedly odd behaviour of the characters in a popular children's story.

RSPCA: Excuse me, ma’am. I’m from the RSPCA. We’ve had reports of a big cat in the area.
Mummy: I see.
RSPCA: Have you seen any big cats at all today, ma’am?
Mummy: Well, yes I have, as a matter of fact. There’s one in my house right now.
RSPCA: There’s is, ma’am?
Mummy: Yes, a tiger.
RSPCA: <pause> A tiger, ma’am?
Mummy: Yes. But don’t worry – it’s all perfectly fine. He’s only here for tea.
RSPCA: I beg your pardon, ma’am?
Mummy: For tea. You know, tea, sandwiches, biscuits, cake.
RSPCA: Do you mean to tell me, ma’am, that there is a tiger in your house right this minute  who is, as we speak, consuming various articles of food and other comestibles you happen to have in your home?
Mummy: Yes, that’s right.
RSPCA: I see, ma’am. And just what do you think will happen when you run out of the assorted tea, cake and biscuits.
Mummy: Well, he’ll just go home, I expect.
RSPCA: <pause> Are you feeling quite well, ma’am?
Mummy: Perfectly, thank you. Although to be quite honest I am a bit miffed he had to drink all the tea. I would quite have liked a cuppa myself.
RSPCA: Would you, ma’am?
Mummy: Yes.
Sophie: Mum. Mum!
RSPCA: Stand aside, ma’am – I’ll handle this. Alright – where is he? Where’s the brute?
Sophie: Over there. And he’s drunk all the water out of the taps. I won’t be able to have a bath now.
Mummy: He must have been very hungry. He’s already eaten everything in the cupboards.
RSPCA: Look out! He’s on the move! Where’s he going?
Mummy: It looks like he’s leaving.
Sophie: Bye-bye, Mr Tiger. It was lovely to meet you.
Mummy: Well, that was an experience. All over now though. Can I offer you a cup of tea?
RSPCA: Er…
Mummy: Oh, no – sorry I can’t. The tiger drank it all.
Sophie: What will do for supper, mummy?
Mummy: Oh, I’m sure your daddy will think of something.
RSPCA: Well, if that’s all, ma’am, I think I’ll be on my way now.
Mummy: Ok. Well, it was lovely meeting you too. Have a nice day.
RSPCA: You too, ma’am. The boys back at head office won’t believe this. Wait ‘til I tell them all about it. Wait ‘til I tell them about the tiger who came to tea.

From The Mind of Merc - Discrimination

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about discrimination.

Is there a bigger coward than the prejudiced white male?
Seriously - what exactly is there to fear in those who are different to ourselves? And why does someone being black, brown, oriental or, alternatively, female, transsexual or non-binary have an impact on their right to exist or be treated any different to others? 

Aside from the ridiculousness of this concept, the ideology on which it is based is also inherently flawed.

To explain this, let’s take a look at two of the main types of discrimination:

1)      Racism

The frankly sickening belief that the colour of someone’s skin determines their worth or their right to exist.
Supposedly, this is based on this misplaced belief that people with darker skin are in some way inferior or present a threat. However, given there have been so many cases of white people attacking black people because of this, it is more obviously and painfully clear to see that white people are in fact the ‘threat’ as the violence, aggression and depravity that is so feared by the racists is more often enacted by them.  If it wasn’t so unnecessary, awful and tragic it could perhaps be viewed as ironic.

Examples:
-          Emmett Till 
-          Frank Morris 
-          Jesse Thornton 
-          Willie James Howard 
-          Louis Allen 
-          Isaac Woodard 
-          Yusef Hawkins 
-          James Craig Anderson 
-          Ocoee Massacre 
-          The Scottsboro Boys 
-          Tulsa Race Riots 
-          Buffalo Shooting 
(This is sadly just a handful of available examples and does not include those killed by police officers or white supremacist groups.) 

Not only that but given the commonly accepted theory of the origin of life that suggests that all humans (or homo sapiens) came from Africa it could safely be presumed that the original humans were, in fact, black. Consequently, it stands to reason that black people are, in fact, the predominant race on the planet and the efforts of prejudiced white men to oppress or worse obliterate black people categorically demonstrates their determination not only to assert an unfounded superiority but also shows their own cowardice.

2)      Sexism

The extremely outdated and inherently flawed belief (which is extremely relevant at the moment) that a person’s gender determines their intelligence or ability to contribute to society. Historically, this contribution cannot be fairly judged as the existing predominance of men has led women to consistently have their input to major achievements and developments obliterated and obscured - either by being overruled or by having their male counterparts blatantly steal from them.

Examples:
-          Margaret E. Knight 
-          Rosalind Franklin 
-          Marthe Gautier 
-          Esther Lederberg 
-          Jocelyn Bell Burnell 
-          Lise Meitner 
-          Ada Harris 
-          Candace Pert 
-          Frieda Robscheit-Robbins 
-          Trota of Salerno 
-          Mary Whiton Calkins 
-          Colette 
-          Margaret Keene 
-          Elizabeth Magie  

Again, as stated above, it could be said this prejudice is also flawed.
Biologically speaking, all human embryos start out as female – it isn’t until around 6 weeks into gestation that any present male hormones kick in and affect in utero development (hence why men have nipples, an enlarged genital bud – compared to the smaller one of the female - and a raphe line). Ergo the female of the species could be said to be the predominant gender on this planet but, yet again, the prejudiced white male seeks to overrule, undermine and supersede what is presumably a perceived threat. 

Ultimately, it becomes clear in both cases that the average white male could in fact be viewed as the inferior or rather the subordinate species on the planet. Sadly, the overall effect is that the bigger danger seems to come from this ‘subordinate’ species (aka the prejudiced white male) in their excessive efforts to overrule and dominate those who theoretically ‘came first’ and, in doing so, inadvertently create a reversed self-fulfilling prophecy by enacting on their victims the subjugation they themselves fear.

This is sad for a number of reasons – not only because of the mindless violence and senseless loss of life that results but also just think what could have been achieved so far in history if women hadn’t been continually oppressed, belittled and blocked out. If they had been allowed a voice, to put forward their ideas and suggestions and have them heard and valued, to share the role that the said white male seems determined to steal or hog for themselves for no reason other than their own misplaced belief in a non-existent superiority.
Just think what heights we might have reached if black people had been treated equally and been allowed to basically exist unscathed. What might the lives lost through the violence perpetrated by their oppressors have contributed to our overall development? 

And all it would take would be for the prejudiced aggressors to open their eyes to look at the reality not only of the world but the impact of their discrimination upon it. To consider a point of view other than their own and display some sign of the humanity they so proudly claim and the compassion which is supposed to be deeply rooted in human nature. To realise that other people on this planet have just as much right to respect and to exist and that collaboration and cooperation presents infinitely greater benefits and requires considerably less effort than persecution and oppression.

It is, after all, not impossible for the discriminatory to change their ways – just take a look at the work of Daryl Davis  – and although the prejudiced white male may have the louder voice it is by no means the only one. 

So while the immediate future may perhaps look bleak there is always the possibility of progress.
Yes, Roe vs Wade has been overturned but there was a time before it existed – and that changed.
There was a time before the Civil Rights Act existed – and that changed. 
So maybe this is time before true equality and justice exist. And maybe that too can change.

Raleigh on Trial sketch - Mercorabilia

Sort of continuing the 'don't talk about' theme of this month, I present my latest sketch - Sir Walter Raleigh on trial.

Judge: Sir Walter Raleigh – you stand accused of bringing numerous dangerous discoveries back from the New World. Thus endangering the lives of people living here in England. How do you plead?
Raleigh: Not guilty.
Judge: Very well – have it your way. The first charge relates to that filthy ‘herb’ known as tobacco – which you introduced into England and…
Raleigh: Actually, I didn’t.
Judge: What?
Raleigh: I didn’t introduce tobacco to England. That was John Hawkins.
Judge: It was?
Raleigh: Yup. Although John Nicot’s probably equally to blame. After all, where do you think we get the word ‘nicotine’ from?
Judge: Oh, alright. Well, on the next charge – destroying English cuisine. By introducing the potato to our kitchens you have caused untold blight on the…
Raleigh: Sorry – if I could just stop you there. I didn’t introduce the potato to England.
Judge: Hmph. Well, what about removing your cloak and placing it in a puddle of muddy water. Thereby befouling the garment and…
Raleigh: Nope. Didn’t do that either.
Judge: Really?
Raleigh: Yup.
Judge: <sighs> Well, then what are you famous for?
Raleigh: Er… well, I did sail to the New World. Tried to set up a colony on Roanoke Island.
Judge: That’d be the Lost Colony of Roanoke Island, would it?
Raleigh: Er… yes. I tried several times to find El Dorado – the lost city of gold.
Judge: Did you find it?
Raleigh: No. No, it’s still lost. And then when the Queen died I supported her cousin Arbella over King James.
Judge: You lost that too.
Raleigh: Yes. Although James forgave me… up until my last expedition where some of my men attacked a Spanish outpost thereby contravening the Anglo-Spanish peace treaty.
Judge: Aha! Yes – you definitely did do that. And that’s treason. Guards - off with his head!
Raleigh: But that was my men – not me.
Judge: Potato-potarto.
Raleigh: Looks like that’s another thing I’ve lost. 

We Don't Talk About Pluto - !!!NEW!!!

The first time I heard (of) this song, this alternative lyric popped into my head and, of course, it had to be followed up.
(Apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda)

We Don’t Talk About Bruno We Don’t Talk About Pluto not from Encanto 

We don't talk about Pluto, no, no, no!
We don't talk about Pluto... but

It was a wondrous day
It was a wondrous day
With my comparator, which I used to image the sky
I used it to image the sky

A year had passed ‘til I saw in that glass
What’s that?
Something new that was moving on by
That meant I had to look again

Sure enough what did I see?
What did I see there?
That moving shape, oh, could it be?
Soon it started becoming clear

It’s a new discovery
Such a wondrous day... but anyway

We don't talk about Pluto, no, no, no!
We don't talk about Pluto!

Oh! Seventy years later and then everything it changes
Because that’s when they altered the criteria and ranges
And suddenly it’s future’s not looking so bold, no-no-no
‘Cause for a new status, it now exchanges
Could it be said of Pluto that it short changes
And now it seems that it has been left out in the cold
Get it? Pluto - cold

There’s no turning back
Kicked out of the system
‘Cause to IAU
Everyone listens
Suddenly it morphs
And becomes a dwarf

We don't talk about Pluto, no, no, no! (We don't talk about Pluto, no, no, no!)
We don't talk about Pluto (we don't talk about Pluto!)

It must orbit round the sun
Yes, though it’s slow (Oh, oh!)
It must have some gravity
Yes, it’s got that so… (So, so!)
It must be the biggest one that’s around,

I think that is… oh! (No, no! Oh!)
Seems Pluto don’t make the cut so it’s no go!

Although the existence of another planet fit with astrophysics
Although the long held presence meant it’s been added to pnemonics
It seems that Pluto’s had its day

Although the new classification means no Planet X
To solve the conundrum
We must now search again
Really? Or could it be that it’s not there (Must we now search again?)
We will not search again

Um, Pluto...
But what about Pluto...
I just wanted to know about Pluto...
Gimme the truth, just the truth on Pluto
(Shall we do it all one more time)
All together!

There’s no turning back (it was a wondrous day, it was a wondrous day)
Kicked out of the system (Had my comparator)
‘Cause to IAU (which I used to image the sky)
Everyone listens (I used it to image the sky!)

Suddenly it morphs (A year had passed ‘til I saw in that glass)
And becomes a dwarf (What’s that?)
Something new that was moving on by
That meant I had to look again

Sure enough what did I see (There’s no turning back, kicked out of the system)
What did I see there?
That moving shape, oh, could it be?
Soon it started becoming clear
It’s a new discovery
And so!

Don't talk about Pluto, no! (Why did I talk about Pluto?)
Not a word about Pluto!
I never should've brought up Pluto!