Showing posts with label twelfth night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twelfth night. Show all posts

Tuesday, 6 January 2026

Twelfth Night - !!!NEW!!!

A new parody for the Twelfth Night about... Twelfth Night (Shakespeare's that is).
This takes a little known but very clever poem written by the late great Ronnie Barker which summarises the entire plot of Shakespeare's Hamlet and which I've switched to be about - you've guessed it - Twelfth Night. (The original can be found at about 25 mins in to this.)

One day while they were travelling
Viola and her darling twin
Hit a large swell
Did not do well
Lost everything that they had 

Viola felt her best shot
Was quickly to throw in her lot
With the grand Duke
(To) avoid rebuke
She told him she was a lad 

The Duke who was called Orsino
Believed this young Cesario
Was just the person he needed
To win the girl he loved 

This was fair Olivia
Who though she lived fairly near
Had sworn off love and romance
And all that other stuv 

Her brother had recently died
And for this reason Livy cried
And said no-one
To her could come
Til seven years was gone

Orsino sent Viola to
Livy in an attempt to woo
Her for his hand
If she would stand
To let his envoy come 

This ploy while seeming so easy
Was not completed so freely
There were two points
That could disjoint
Orsino’s master plan 

For one although Olivia
Allowed Viola to see her
It soon was clear it wasn’t
Orsino who was her man 

For when her eye alighted on
This new and handsome young person
She wanted more
Of what she saw
Which wasn’t meant to occur 

For two Viola had chosen
To serve the Duke for a reason
She couldn’t say
But his mad sway
Had bowled the maiden over 

So they were in a tricky spot
A nice and convoluted plot
With romance abound
But not around
In fact a triangle 

While all this was now happening
Livy’s servants did drink and sing
Sir Andrew, Maria, Fa-
Bi an and Livy’s uncle 

The noise made by this happy band
Upset Malvolio and
He told them plain
They should refrain
From making such a fracas 

The group who liked hullaballoo
Did not take very kindly to
This pompous man
And formed a plan
To make him a jackas 

Maria told them all with glee
Of her skill with calligraphy
That with her pen she could pretend to be
Their fair mistress 

The team quickly agreed this and
Using Maria’s skilful hand
Soon crafted a brief epistle
To cause Malvy some distress 

The steward soon the note espied
He read it and aloud he cried
In joy for he
With certainty
Thought Olivia loved him 

The next time he saw the girl
He put her into quite a whirl
But not with lust
Instead disgust
For what was on his limbs 

The letter that the steward found
Did very clearly expound
The way to go
Was wear yellow
And so that is what he did 

From hose right down to ankle he
Had covered so painstakingly
To win her heart
Yet for her part
She just wanted to get rid 

Malvolio was dragged away
And in a prison made to stay
Where Feste the fool
Being rather cruel
Continued the mock’ry 

Meanwhile Viola’s brother Seb
It turned out was not really dead
And when he now
Appeared in town
This caused yet more mischief 

Sir Andrew upset that his suit
Of Livy had still borne no fruit
Challenged Cesario to fight
Cos Toby said to do it 

Unfortunt’ly for this blockhead
It turned out to be brother Seb
That he soon faced
And in disgrace
Failed to land a single hit 

Olivia now she arrived
And when Sebastian espied
Resolved to trap
This handsome chap
Into true love’s shackle 

She grabbed him and then hurriedly
With her beloved stranger she
Got the lot
And tied the knot
In a nearby chapel 

Just then the appearance of young Vi
Caused everyone to rub their eyes
Could not believe
What they did perceive
How could there be two of them? 

The truth was then revealed to all
Which caused the two siblings to bawl
They weren’t deceased
They were so pleased
For this reunion 

Each of them now became wed
To the right person they wanted
The church bells rang
For the whole clan
Only laughter could be heard 

Despite all of the confusion
They’d reached a happy conclusion
They all felt glad
No-one was sad
Except perhaps the steward

Friday, 22 September 2017

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Malvolio vs Roderigo

A return to using Whitney Avalon's brilliant creations as inspiration for my fifth rap parody.
(The inspiration for this one can be found here)


Princess Rap Battle – Galadriel vs Leia Shakespeare Rap Battle – Malvolio vs Roderigo
[Malvolio] No-one can think they are better than me
I'm the finest man around town – full of grandeur, that’s me
I will win this fight - don’t want you in my sight
I will make such short work of you because I am just always right
You better me? You're not posh enough
A drunkard beat a toff? You can’t stand long enough
You’d better listen well - get it through your thick dumb skull
You cannot beat me and truly I find this challenge dull

[Roderigo]
What an a-hole, really - it’s just so sad
Thinking you’re so perfect? Clearly you’re the one that’s mad
You’re not grand or high and mighty - you’re just unpleasant
Don’t forget you got taken down by a bunch of peasants
You want Viola? Well, that is plain to see
To think that she feels the same as you? Well, now that’s just vanity
When they were done with you there was nothing left of your career
And what you will soon find is that nobody sheds a tear     

[Malvolio]
What has your suit had, like thirteen rejections?

[Roderigo]

Maybe you should try focusing on detection
You’re brave to talk of suits when it was your clothes let you down

[Malvolio
]
And it was being let down that made you look like a clown            

[Roderigo]
You're the clown and not me in your bright yellow hose
Thought you had won Viola but she turned up her nose
I am smarter, go farther, jewel barter, love martyr,
I worked harder for her ardour, while you’re just a non-starter
I travel the world while you're stuck back at home
Nobody loves you – your arrogance means you’re all alone
No matter what you say one thing is clear
Just admit it, you’re the one loser here

[Malvolio]
I will… never be hurt by your weak feeble barbs
It could be you would have more luck if you stayed off the carbs
They might fool me once but will not fool me again
‘Cause unlike you I’ll be using my brain
And I can go on, I survived, I’m still here, jerk
But your foolish mistake cost you your own life, you berk
Should know your place – right at the bottom
Just so pathetic, and so soon forgotten

Sunday, 23 April 2017

Shakespeare sketch - Mercorabilia

Happy Shakespeare’s birthday! And, in keeping with that sentiment, here’s a Shakespeare-themed sketch.
The question of whether Shakespeare wrote his own plays is an age-old debate. Not quite as old as Shakespeare himself though. Doubts about the Bard’s literary capabilities didn’t start creeping in until over 200 years after he died. Makes you wonder how he might have reacted if those kind of suspicions had been around while he was still alive...

Jonson: All right, Will?
Shakespeare: Yeah – not too bad. Yourself?
Jonson: Yeah – alright. ‘Ere listen, Will – there’s a rumour going around Southwark that you don’t exist?
Shakespeare: You what?
Jonson: Yeah. That you aren’t really here and all your work’s being done by some other git.
Shakespeare: You’re joking!
Jonson: No! Straight up!
Shakespeare: So who do they think I’m taking the credit for?
Jonson: Well, one bloke thought you was stealing off of Kit.
Shakespeare: Kit Marlowe? But he’s been “dead” for 10 years.
Marlowe: Ssh – don’t give me away.
Shakespeare: Nah – you’re alright, Kit. No-one’s looking.
Marlowe: Cheers, lads.
Shakespeare: Who else did they suggest?
Jonson: Er... Francis Bacon.
Shakespeare: That poof?
Jonson: Yeah. One guy – don’t know what he’d been drinking – said your longest word...
Shakespeare: Honorificabilitudinitatibus?
Jonson: Yeah, that. Well, he said it was a secret nod to the “real” author ‘cause, if you ‘unscrambled’ it, it made this big long phrase in Latin which basically says ‘Bacon was here’.
Shakespeare: But I can’t speak Latin.
Jonson: Exactly! I pointed that out and he just said ‘Well, that proves it.’
Shakespeare: Git.
Jonson: Prat.
Shakespeare: I can’t believe they’d think old Frankie Bacon wrote my plays.
Jonson: Neither can I. I mean, Frankie would never make some of the cock-ups you did.
Shakespeare: Like what?
Jonson: What do you wanna have a clock chime in Julius Caesar for?
Shakespeare: What’s wrong with that?
Jonson: They didn’t have chiming clocks when Julius Caesar was around.
Shakespeare: Oh. What did they do then? Beep or something?
Jonson: <sigh> Never mind.
Shakespeare: So what did you say when they were all slandering me like that?
Jonson: Well, I stood up for you.
Shakespeare: Did you?
Jonson: ‘Course I did. I said ‘Look, stop being a pillock. You can take it from me – Shakespeare’s the one who wrote those plays – every single one of them.'
Shakespeare: You did?
Jonson: Yeah. Then this other guy says ‘What do I know about modern literature?’
Shakespeare: And what did you say to that?
Jonson: I told him straight. I says ‘Listen, pal. I’m one of the finest playwrights and literary critics you’ll find round here. What’s more - I’m his contemporary. And if I say he exists – he exists.
Shakespeare: Ah – cheers, mate.
Jonson: No worries.
Shakespeare: So you reckon he believed you?
Jonson: Why wouldn’t he?
Shakespeare: Well, he might think you’re biased.
Jonson: Why? ‘Cause we’re friends?
Shakespeare: Well, yeah. Although really we’re more like rivals.
Jonson: Nah – we ain’t rivals, Will!
Shakespeare: ‘Course we are. Who do you think beat you to the job for the Twelfth Night?
Jonson: You bastard!
Shakespeare: Nah – you would have hated it. The Master of the Revels was getting all up himself. Didn’t like the title of the play what I wrote.
Jonson: What did you call it?
Shakespeare: ‘One daft pillock and a load of soppy gits.’
Jonson: Can’t see anything wrong with that.
Shakespeare: Well, neither can I. Anyway, in the end I just said ‘Ah, what you will.’
Jonson: And he seemed happy with that?
Shakespeare: He seemed thrilled. Dread to think what he’s gonna come up with though.
Jonson: Ah, well. All’s well that ends well.
Shakespeare: 'Ere - that's not bad!