Nobody Expects Franklin D Roosevelt - Mercorabilia

This was inspired whilst watching an episode of Red Dwarf in which Arnold Judas Rimmer was trying to give a stirring speech to the crew and I couldn’t help noticing its similarity to a scene from another comedy show.

Rimmer:

We have nothing to fear but fear itself… Apart from pain. Fear and pain. Pain and fear. The two - two things we have to fear are fear and pain… And maybe humiliation. The three – three things we have to fear are fear and pain and humiliation… And obviously death and failure. But apart from pain, humiliation, death, failure, and the unknown, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. I’ll try it again.

(If you’re wondering about the title of the sketch – it is Franklin D Roosevelt who coined the famous quote "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.")

Spanish Detective Inquisitor sketch - Mercorabilia

A rare entry from my Mercorabilia collection today.
I originally wrote a much longer version of this sketch but was worried it seemed too repetitive so I slimmed it down a bit to keep it short and sweet.

(Officers milling around incident room in front of a board summarising the case. Inspector enters with pointer)

Sergeant: Gentlemen, let’s settle down and review this case.

(Police officers find a seat while Inspector positions self by the board with pointer)

Sergeant: So far we’ve established that our chief suspect is Andrews…Andrews or Baker; our two - two chief suspects are Andrews or Baker…but it could have been Clarkson. Our three – three chief suspects are: Andrews, Baker or Clarkson.

PC: Not forgetting Davis, Chief.

Inspector: Absolutely! So, among our chief suspects are Andrews, Baker, Clarkson, or Davis…Um…let’s start again.  

(Door opens)

Constable: Sergeant! We’ve just heard – there’s been another murder!

Sergeant: How many times have I told you not to interrupt, Constable? Can’t you see we’re busy here?

Constable: Sorry, Serge.

(Constable makes to leave)

Sergeant: That’s better. No – wait a minute. Come back here!

(Constable re-enters)

Sergeant: What did you just say?

Constable: Pardon.

Sergeant: Sorry, SergeANT!

For those of you who are interested, here's the original full-length sketch:

(Policemen gathered in a room in front of a board summarising the case. Inspector enters and moves over to board with pointer)

Inspector: Gentlemen, let’s settle down and review this case. So at approximately 7.24pm last night young Miss Ann Thrope was killed on her way home from work. Let’s look at possible culprits:

Inspector: Our chief suspect in this case is Adams … Adams or Brooks; two chief suspects, Adams … Brooks, but it could have been Caxton!

PC 1: Not forgetting Dunn, Chief.

Inspector: Absolutely! So, er, among our chief suspects are: Adams, Brooks, Caxton, or Dunn! Um…let’s start again. Let’s look at motive.

(move on to next part of board)

Inspector: So as far as we can tell, the murder was carried for the following reason - robbery… robbery or rape; two possible motives, robbery…rape but it could have been revenge. Our three possible motives are robbery, rape, revenge… or quite possibly ransom. Um….let’s move on to the method.

Inspector: So we know that the murder was committed using a knife…a knife or a gun; two possible weapons are knife … gun but they could have used rope. So three possible weapons knife, gun or rope…or maybe even poison…Hmm…this case is more complicated that I thought. Well at least we can be sure that we have only the one victim – Miss Thrope

PC 2: What about Miss Bea Leaf, Chief? She was killed in the exact same way.

Inspector: Ah yes! So two murder victims - Miss Thrope and Miss Leaf

PC 3: And there’s also Miss Carrie Jez. The ME said there’s a chance her murder was linked to Miss Thrope’s

Inspector: Ok. So our three murder victims are Miss Thrope, Miss Leaf and Miss Jez

PC 4: Then there’s Miss Demi Nurr, Chief.

(Inspector pauses looking despondent and then glances at the board)

Inspector: No wonder we haven’t caught him yet.