Lord of the Rings (UK Version) sketch - Mercorabilia

A twist on Tolkien's infamous trilogy today based on the Dark Lord's abode and a similar sounding London Underground station.

Gandalf: I am Gandalf. Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Anor, and friend of the Elves.

Ticket officer: Well that’s very nice but this is a ticket office not a sci-fi convention – what did you want?

Gandalf: Oh, we’d like 10 tickets to Morden, please. We’ve come all the way from the Shires.

Ticket officer: The Shires?

Gandalf: Well, Frodo here’s from Buckinghamshire, Legolas - he's from Oxfordshire, Boromir’s from Derbyshire…

Ticket officer: Yes – alright I get it. Thank you. What did you want again?

Gandalf: 10 Tickets to Morden – we’re going to see Sauron.

Ticket officer: The Sour One? Bit of a dragon, is she? Your mother-in-law?

Gandalf: Sauron is the Dark Power, the Enemy, the Great Eye, the Lord of the Ring, Sorcerer, Black Hand, the Nameless Enemy, and the Deceiver.

Ticket officer: Sounds like my mother-in-law. Here you are – 10 tickets to Morden.

Gandalf: Thank you.

Ticket officer: Er – do you mind if I ask – you’re already at Wimbledon. Why don’t you just walk to Morden?

Gandalf: My dear fellow. One does not simply walk into Morden!

FA Tube Map sketch - Newsreview

Today's entry is from my Newsreview collection and again one that was recently penned for Newsjack.
The basis for this one is the recent novelty tube map that was created to celebrate 150 years of both the FA and the London Underground and which substituted station names with names of football players.
(You can find the map here: http://www.thefa.com/News/2013/oct/~/media/A3340A58E70245C2BCF8F35142994BD8.ashx)

Introduction: To commemorate its upcoming 150^th anniversary, the FA has created a unique London underground map replacing the familiar tube station names with famous players from the profession as both the FA and the underground both started in 1863. Now obviously this is just a temporary gimmick but what if the changes became permanent…

Passenger A: Hi. Single ticket to Covent Garden, please.

Guard: Sorry - where?

Passenger A: Covent Garden?

Guard: Sorry, mate - never heard of it.

Passenger B: I think he means Graeme Souness.

Guard: Oh Graeme Souness. Why didn’t you say?

(Sound of ticket being issued)

Passenger A: Graeme Souness?

Passenger B: It’s since the 150^th anniversary of the FA. The names of all the underground stations were changed to those of footballers and it proved so popular that they became permanent.

Passenger A: Really? So there’s no more Clapham Junction?

Passenger B: No. It’s Dwight Yorke now.

Passenger A: Baker Street?

Passenger B: Alex Ferguson.

Passenger A: Waterloo?

Passenger B: Stanley Matthews.

Passenger A: What about Oxford Circus?

Passenger B: Michael Owen.

Passenger A: Oh.…So what happens if you don’t like football?

Passenger B: Ssh! Don’t say that out loud.

Passenger A: What? That I don’t like football?

Guard: Excuse me, sir. Did I just hear you say that you don’t like football?

Passenger A: Yes, I did. Why? Is that a problem?

Guard: No problem at all, sir. £50 fine please.

Passenger A: What? £50?

Guard: Yes, sir. New directive. As displayed by this sign here – see? No smoking, fouling or disrespecting football. Fine £50.

Passenger A: All right – here you are.

Guard: Thank you, sir. Now move along please – the 13.20 from Gordon Banks is due any minute.

Passenger A: Oh…Cockfosters!

Guard: And the same to you, sir.