Unsuspicious Circumstances sketch - Mercorabilia

A return to the world of Midsomer today and, in a way, it’s mixing it with the Mock the Week round ‘Scenes We’d Like To See’ as it’s ‘Things You’d Never See in a Midsomer Murders Episode’

Barnaby: Evening, George.
Bullard: Evening, Tom.
Barnaby: So what have we got?
Bullard: John Smith, aged 89, found dead in his bed by his housekeeper.
Barnaby: So what did he die from?
Bullard: Natural causes.
Barnaby: <pause> Are you sure?
Bullard: Yes.
Barnaby: Hmm. What’s the scar on his chest?
Bullard: That’s where I cut him open to do the autopsy.
Barnaby: I see. And this?
Bullard: That’s a tan-line from his watch.
Barnaby: So there’s no sign of foul play.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: What about this?
Bullard: What?
Barnaby: This bruise.
Bullard: That’s your shadow.
Barnaby: Ah. <pause> So there’s nothing untoward.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: No suspicious toxicology results.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: No sign of anything that could be construed as suspicious.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: Are you trying to tell me that this Midsomer resident genuinely died of natural causes?
Bullard: Yes.
Barnaby: Hmm. <pause> Isn’t that in itself suspicious?

Murder Mystery Estate Agents sketch - Mercorabilia

I’ve been watching a lot of murder mysteries recently and one thing (perhaps the most obvious thing) occurred to me - how on earth do local estate agents manage to sell any houses in the areas where the shows are based? You would have thought it’s the last place anyone would want to live. It must go something like this:

Agent: “Well, there you have it, Mrs Smith. A charming little bijou cottage. Thatched roof and diamond grill windows. And very close to all the local amenities”
Buyer: “And you’re sure this is perfectly safe area?”
Agent: “Oh yes – absolutely. Nothing ever happens in Midsomer.”
Barnaby: “Morning, Bill.”
Agent: “Ah, DCI Barnaby. Good morning. Off on your rounds I trust?”
Barnaby: “Oh, always something to do round here. Just off to another one. Better dash.”
Buyer: “Another one?”
Agent: “Greenhouse robbery, I expect.”
Buyer: “Oh dear.”
Agent: “Well now – where were we? Oh yes. Very close to all the local amenities, all mod cons…”
<sound of police car passing>
Buyer: “What’s all that about?”
Agent: “Oh, er, someone’s probably been caught jaywalking across the high street.”
<sound of ambulance passing>
Buyer: “And what was that?”
Agent: “Oh…er…Old Mrs Thompson’s probably fallen downstairs again. Shall we continue?”
Buyer: “Hmm. I must say this does seem to be a very accident prone village.”
Agent: “Oh, absolutely not. This is one of the safest places to be. You couldn’t wish for anywhere safer. Now as I was saying...
Buyer: “Are you absolutely sure there’s nothing about this area I should know?”
Agent: “Er…
Buyer: “Because all these police and ambulance and things you’d think that it was something out of a TV crime show.”
Agent: “Well… Now that you mention it…”
Buyer: “What? You mean this is where all those grisly murders have happened?”
Agent: “Er……yes.
Buyer: “Well, in that case I’ll definitely take it! 
Agent: “Pardon?”
Buyer: “Well, just think – to be right in the heart of such a famous area.”
Agent: “Uh…yes. Yes – absolutely. Shall we go in and sign some papers?”