From The Mind of Merc - Sapphire Jubilee

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the sapphire jubilee.

2017 marks the 65^th year of the reign of Queen Elizabeth and is consequently her Sapphire Jubilee. Yet despite all her previous jubilees there has been no celebration or seemingly even acknowledgement of this fact.

True there has never been another monarch who celebrated their sapphire jubilee – Victoria reached her diamond but fell 1 year and 5 months short of the sapphire and George III missed out on his diamond by 1 year and 9 months. True also that at the start of this year the queen was plagued with ill health so perhaps the more superstitious amongst her entourage may have not wanted to rock the boat. True finally that there are still 2 months left of this year but, as her accession was February and her coronation June and both these months have passed, the lack of any festivity seems strange.

I have watched as each month passed with no celebration, no fete to commemorate this historic event. I think it is incredible for a king or queen to live this long and I am at a loss to understand why it seems to have been overlooked. I can only hope that (unlike her previous jubilees) the plan for some reason is to celebrate it in the 65^th year of her actual coronation (it’s not as if only jubilees for years ending in a 0 are the only ones celebrated – for example, Queen Elizabeth’s 25^th or silver jubilee in 1977)

Yet this seems strange both for the reasons mentioned above and because Victoria’s subjects (or perhaps her ministers) were so eager to celebrate their queen’s longevity that they brought forward the idea of a diamond jubilee (which is technically the 65^th year) to mark Victoria’s 60^th – an action that was mirrored in 2012 for Queen Elizabeth. (Maybe that’s it – this is technically her proper Diamond Jubilee – which has already been celebrated and so hasn’t been marked this year) But why would the Brits want to pass up an excuse for a party?

Even if this milestone was to go unmarked there was also the fact that this year is the 70th or Platinum Wedding Anniversary of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip but, yet again, this appears to have gone by unremarked and unhailed.

I am not an out-and-out royalist but I still think for a monarch to reign for 65 years should be commemorated somehow.

Anyone else with me?

Disney Life Hacks #11 – Cinderella

 Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Cinderella shares her top tip:

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Midsummer Night's Rap

Another Whitney Avalon parody - this time using a two hander.
(The inspiration for this one can be found here)

Princess Rap Battle – Rapunzel & Flynn vs Anna & Kristoff Shakespeare Rap Battle – Midsummer Night's Rap

[Verse 1: Hermia]
I’m the one who has the most beauty
This is proved by the fact all the boys want me
I am the sweet young maiden, despite what you think, ‘kay?
I’m daddy’s princess who will get her way
‘Cause I’m the best, can’t be denied
And out of my suitors I’ll choose who’s by my side
Because princes, aristos and nobles, when they’re looking for a bride
Want me and not you - so sad, you have no-one by your side
You can’t touch dis - don’t try - go ahead and cry
Watch as every man you love seems to just pass you by
I can’t believe how dumb you are, of course I won his heart - duh!
Say it again, I attract men, you can never play that part - ugh!

[Verse 2: Helena]
Think that you had a blackout, and I know what you lack now
You can’t handle the facts now, gonna hand you some back now
Pretend you’re so pure but I know it’s all an act now
Time to give you a reality smack down
Hermia thinks she’s so strong but forgotten when love falters
And suddenly it jolts her when Lysander love for her alters
So adored yet so abhorred, had to elope to win
When his keenness grew thin you still wouldn’t give in
You’re not the most beautiful of that you are so afraid
The word on the street is that you’re not even a maid
A superficial dupe don’t know what made you madder
That you weren’t the best or finding my game was badder

[Verse 3: Lysander]
I kinda liked you girl, but that was all just a fantasy
There is just one girl I want and that is very plain to see
I won the girl your man wanted - didn’t need money
You are so sad, girl, it’s so sad. Girl - Hermia’s my honey
Her father might rather she wed a rich courtier
But our love to founder? Not something we fear
You think I loved you? Well, someone should have told ya
Cause hun it could never last, when I woke up grew colder

[Verse 4: Demetrius]
Don’t be rude, Lissy, you cannot forget what you said
Despite what you tell yourself in your head when in bed

The words you said behind Hermy’s back, 

About everything that your princess lacks
Love Helena, and I won her, you’re left with the second prize
You might say that you’re not jealous but I see love in your eyes
You're just a terrible loser only better as a snoozer
You're just no good and should go back to being a boozer

[Verse 5: Hermia (Lysander)]
Can I interrupt here Miss Perfect’s plan
Just to remind her that I had her man
Just so pathetic, and a nervous wreck
Don’t stand a chance when you compete with idyllic
(So desp’rate for a man but all you found was desolation)
It’s you and not me that really is the poor consolation
You’ve always been beneath me and some things still stay the same
(Because any way you play you can never win this game)
This Ancient Greek doofus is still so deluded
Believing the effects of what a bad night’s sleep did
Of course you think you won, but know he really wanted me
You are the weaker one why don’t you go cry by a tree

[Verse 6: Helena (Demetrius)]
You've got an attitude that won’t quit but that’s not a good thing
Soon Lysander will regret what he got for a wedding ring
While we're on the subject, ‘cause I just have to ask
But could he even afford one? ‘Cause that is a costly task
(I am richer grander nobler and we will never want
When you look to your man you’ll find Lysander can’t
By great Oberon I will keep going on
Until you admit we have won this song)
You think you’re just so perfect. But now this part will kill
You’re just a spoilt brat – no discernable skills
You had to find a husband because no one can live for free
And you pissed off your dad big time so enjoy poverty

Honey, Honey, Honey - !!!NEW!!!

I can't believe I didn't think of this parody before - it seems so obvious when you listen to the lyrics. (But then again why would you think of mixing ABBA with Winnie the Pooh?)

Money, Money, Money Honey, Honey, Honey not by ABBA

I know for me that life is good, here in the Hundred Acre Wood

With my friends
But I cannot help how I feel – my mind’s always on my next meal
Never ends
In my dreams it’s all I see
It haunts my ev’ry fantasy
So I will seek it ev’ry day, my need will never go away...

Honey, honey, honey
It’s not funny
It is my whole world
Honey, honey, honey
Soft and runny
It is my whole world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I would do
Just to get a little honey
It is my whole world

A lot of that is hard to find but I can't get it off my mind
Silly (old) bear
And if I happened ‘pon a bee I bet he wouldn't share with me
So unfair
All that I try, all that I do
Is just to get a lick or two
It might seem dumb to be this way, it’s how I choose to spend my day...

Honey, honey, honey
It’s not funny
It is my whole world
Honey, honey, honey
Soft and runny
It is my whole world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I would do
Just to get a little honey
It is my whole world

Honey, honey, honey
It’s not funny
It is my whole world
Honey, honey, honey
Soft and runny
It is my whole world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I would do
Just to get a little honey
It is my whole world

It is my whole world

From The Mind of Merc - Diets

(I thought I had already posted this thought but it turns out I haven't so here goes)

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about diets.

I don’t understand dieting. I mean, if it’s for your health then fine. If your weight is affecting you’re ability to carry on living – then it makes sense you would need to (try to) lose weight. But otherwise why would you put yourself through that? We all have such a short span upon this earth – why waste it being miserable?

Picture the scene - you’re having a lovely day out with your friends:-

Friend: What dessert are you having?

You: Oh, no – I won’t.

Friend: But everyone else is.

You: But I want to drop a jean size so I’ll pass.

Now you’re the Party Pooper.

Or how about you’re celebrating a achievement in your family

Family member: Champagne for everyone!

You: Oh, no thanks – I’m watching my figure.

Family member: So?

You: So do you know how many calories there are in champagne?

Moment ruined.

To me, the suggestion that you should forbid yourself from something you want because it might mean you won’t fit into clothes that aren’t your size is ludicrous. Here’s a novel idea – why not get clothes that fit you? With plus size becoming more socially acceptable (at last) there is much more choice and variety available for the majority of us who don’t fit into a size 6 summer dress. Make your wardrobe work for you – not the other way round.

I have a theory that everyone has a set weight that they are either biologically or genetically determined to fluctuate around. They may lose a little, they may gain a little but they will always hover around that weight. Evidence for my theory comes from numerous comments made by friends who have dieted that, having stopped dieting, have eventually gone back to the weight they were before – but not more than. If that is the case then whatever you do will ultimately have little to no effect.

So instead of reaching for that calorie counter, reach for mirror and start learning to love yourself just as you are – because I seriously doubt you’ll be alone. You do not need to be thin to be beautiful and healthy. And you certainly don’t need to diet to be happy.

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Malvolio vs Roderigo

A return to using Whitney Avalon's brilliant creations as inspiration for my fifth rap parody.
(The inspiration for this one can be found here)

Princess Rap Battle – Galadriel vs Leia Shakespeare Rap Battle – Malvolio vs Roderigo

[Malvolio] No-one can think they are better than me
I'm the finest man around town – full of grandeur, that’s me
I will win this fight - don’t want you in my sight
I will make such short work of you because I am just always right
You better me? You're not posh enough
A drunkard beat a toff? You can’t stand long enough
You’d better listen well - get it through your thick dumb skull
You cannot beat me and truly I find this challenge dull

[Roderigo]
What an a-hole, really - it’s just so sad
Thinking you’re so perfect? Clearly you’re the one that’s mad
You’re not grand or high and mighty - you’re just unpleasant
Don’t forget you got taken down by a bunch of peasants
You want Viola? Well, that is plain to see
To think that she feels the same as you? Well, now that’s just vanity
When they were done with you there was nothing left of your career
And what you will soon find is that nobody sheds a tear     

[Malvolio]
What has your suit had, like thirteen rejections?

[Roderigo]
Maybe you should try focusing on detection
You’re brave to talk of suits when it was your clothes let you down

[Malvolio]
And it was being let down that made you look like a clown            

[Roderigo]
You're the clown and not me in your bright yellow hose
Thought you had won Viola but she turned up her nose
I am smarter, go farther, jewel barter, love martyr,
I worked harder for her ardour, while you’re just a non-starter
I travel the world while you're stuck back at home
Nobody loves you – your arrogance means you’re all alone
No matter what you say one thing is clear
Just admit it, you’re the one loser here

[Malvolio]
I will… never be hurt by your weak feeble barbs
It could be you would have more luck if you stayed off the carbs
They might fool me once but will not fool me again
‘Cause unlike you I’ll be using my brain
And I can go on, I survived, I’m still here, jerk
But your foolish mistake cost you your own life, you berk
Should know your place – right at the bottom
Just so pathetic, and so soon forgotten

Disney Life Hacks #10 - Snow White

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Snow White shares her top tip:

Stay - !!!NEW!!!

I have nothing against Jodie Whittaker – from what I’ve seen of her performances, I think she is an incredibly talented and capable actress. But I will still be sorry to see Capaldi go. So much so that I’ve penned a parody song to that effect.

Stay not by Alessia Cara

You think that your time has now passed by
Hoped the showrunner would change your mind
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, but you want to

Find a brand new flow but you don't have to go - no
You can stay as Capaldi

Living in the TARDIS, not a job to dismiss
Think how it fills you with glee                           
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, but you want to

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is
All you have to do is stay

Your character’s just starting to grow
Don’t think it’s the right time for you to go
You have so much more to give the show
Than you know, but you want to

Find a brand new flow but you don't have to go now
You can stay as Capaldi
Living in the TARDIS, not a job to dismiss
Think how it fills you with glee
Could think of a thousand reasons you
Should not go now, and you know that

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is
All you have to do is stay

All you have to do is stay

So stay, yeah

All you have to do is stay - stay in it
You’re doing fine
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to is wait a series
Just one more time
You’re someone’s Doctor, so stay
All you have to do is stay

From The Mind of Merc - Rhyming Riddles

(Now my internet has finally been restored almost a month after moving (and the day after my 'go-live' date - hence the delay in this post))

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about rhyming riddles. And more importantly their solutions.

For example:

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood

About as much wood as a woodchuck chucks if a woodchuck could chuck wood

But given that woodchucks (or groundhogs) are not as adept as beavers as chucking wood this would not be as considerable as you might think.

According to Cornell, it is believed to be around 700 pounds.

If all the world were paper and all the seas were ink

If all the trees were bread and cheese, what would we have to drink?

Not ink obviously. Well, alright we would have it but who would want it?

The cheese, however, may prove more useful – whey may not be particularly appetising but it’s got to be better than ink!

Around the ragged rocks the ragged rascal ran

How many r’s are there in that? Now tell me if you can

The answer to this is apparently none (of which I’ve never been convinced) but I suppose it’s true if you take it to mean how many times does the sound ‘arr’ occur in the rhyme

As I was going to St. Ives,

I met a man with seven wives,

Each wife had seven sacks,

Each sack had seven cats,

Each cat had seven kits:

Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,

How many were there going to St. Ives?

One. Me.

If you’re confused, the poem begins ‘As I going to St Ives’. It never says where the other 2752 mentioned are going.

(And if you're now puzzling over my maths I didn’t include the sacks as beings that were going to St Ives – just the man (1), his wives (7), the cats in each sack (7x49=343) and the kits of each cat (7x343=2401))

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Apparently this infamous riddle (which, ok, isn’t technically a rhyme) doesn’t have an answer but I think it does – it’s because they’re both black! Solved!* Next!

The man in the wilderness asked me,
How many strawberries grew in the sea?
I answered him as I thought good,
As many as red herrings grew in the wood.

An interesting little rhyme which supposedly suggests one is as daft as the other. 

BUT there are actually strawberries under the sea! If you don’t believe me, take a look. And, if you’re being extremely obtuse, you could say some red herrings grow in the wood – for example, if a crime thriller author decides to pen their latest work whilst taking a wander through a copse – voila! Red herrings would grow in the wood!

What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning,

two legs at noon and three in the evening?"

The riddle of the deadly sphinx.

The answer to which this is man (crawls as a baby, walks as an adult and uses a stick as a pensioner) but I think the answer could just as easily be a chair - starts of with 4 legs, loses 2 during its service life gets 1 replaced.

Out of the eater came forth meat and out of the strong came something sweet.

A biblical one this one - the answer to which is apparently 'The honey produced by bees nestled in the carcass of the lion he defeated.' 

However, could it not also be the food provided by birds for their chicks? Out of the bird that ate the worm comes the regurgitated meal and out of the strong parent comes the sweet sustenance their babies crave to survive.

There are, of course, also the numerous riddles posed by Bilbo Baggins and Gollum in J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' but maybe they're for another time.

* Aldous Huxley, however, believed the answer was ‘Poe wrote on both’

Life in Ashes - Mercorabilia

Alternative Life On Mars sequel

I am firmly of the belief that Life On Mars should have just been one amazing series – instead of being stretched to make two – and, while I understand the route the writers went down in giving Gene Hunt a female sidekick in the sequel Ashes to Ashes, I can’t help but feel they missed a trick as they could so easily have flipped the show on its head.

Imagine Gene Hunt inexplicably finding himself in modern day London faced with the politically correct, multi-cultural,diversified society we have now. You can just hear the intro:

Better still – what if the prejudiced, loud-mouthed Gene Hunt had a female superior, one sidekick who was black and another who was gay – oh, the possibilities! 

Come on BBC Commissioners – get this one in the pipeline.