Tuesday, 4 December 2018
Sunday, 2 December 2018
Big Bang Theory Advent Calendar - 1
Didn't manage to open the first 2 doors of this caption advent calendar (or, for that matter, my actual advent calendar). So here goes with door number 1:
Friday, 30 November 2018
From The Mind of Merc - Profundity
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics ad occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about profound moments – the moments when realisation strikes us like an epiphany and leaves us awestruck. Here are the best ones I’ve found on my travels through the internet. Once you’ve got to grips with one, feel free to move on to the next one.
And finally,
- Every book you’ve ever read is just a different arrangement of 26 letters
- The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly
- The 2 ee’s in Bee are silent
- The first teacher ever never went to school
- Using a computer to buy a new one is the equivalent of getting it to dig its own grave
- To dinosaurs, we live in a post-apocalyptic future
- To your stomach, all potatoes are mashed potatoes
- Everything we eat is processed sunshine
- Your shadow means that light that has travelled 93 million miles has been deprived of reaching the ground by you
- Nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.
- Going to bed so you’ll feel better in the morning is the human equivalent of turning off and on again
- Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be
- There will never be any more people older than you than there are right now
- The person directly in front of you also the person furthest behind you
- A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you
- You’ve never looked at your own face
- Everyone sees world in unique way – their death = death of that world
And finally,
- There was a time when your parents put you down and never picked you up again
Monday, 26 November 2018
Bored - !!!NEW!!!
For all those who clock-watch at work or feel that time somehow goes slower between 9 and 5. This is for you.
Spoiled Bored not by Joss Stone
I really thought that I'd be better in a new job
And while that’s not completely wrong
The dullness that I’m experiencing right now, it makes my heart sob
And it’s been going on for far too long
See I thought that I wanted out but
Now I’m in a different rut
So I wrote a new song
Because I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is it’s just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
I tried to tell myself that there’d be more to do in a month or two
But sadly that was 'bout a year ago
I've never known boredom so as complete as this, I just feel so blue
And my mind has got nowhere to go, oh no
Because I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is it’s just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
And no matter how hard I try to I simply just can’t
Believe that this job is meant to be full time
There ain't no way I'm getting more to do
I don't know what I am going to do
I’m yawning, snoring, cos I know it’s true
I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is is just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
I really thought that I'd be better in a new job
And while that’s not completely wrong
The dullness that I’m experiencing right now, it makes my heart sob
And it’s been going on for far too long
See I thought that I wanted out but
Now I’m in a different rut
So I wrote a new song
Because I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is it’s just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
I tried to tell myself that there’d be more to do in a month or two
But sadly that was 'bout a year ago
I've never known boredom so as complete as this, I just feel so blue
And my mind has got nowhere to go, oh no
Because I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is it’s just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
And no matter how hard I try to I simply just can’t
Believe that this job is meant to be full time
There ain't no way I'm getting more to do
I don't know what I am going to do
I’m yawning, snoring, cos I know it’s true
I'm bored at my job yeah
No matter how I try to pass the time
Just can’t seem to occupy my mind
I'm bored at my job yeah
The work there is is just too slim to last
How much I wish to make the time go fast
I'm bored
Sunday, 11 November 2018
Albert & The Cannon - !!!NEW!!!
Today marks the 100th anniversary of the armistice of the First World War.
100 years ago today, 4 years of bloodshed and strife finally ended and the world knew peace once more.
In honour of this, I have penned a parody piece of an infamous monologue by a great British comedy actor.
Albert & TheLion Cannon not by Stanley Holloway
There’s a famous place in France called The Somme,
About as much fun as Verdun,
Where Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Were soon to send Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his kit; what a guy
With a gun with a bayonet on it,
The finest the gov’ment would buy.
They didn’t think much of the fighting:
The war, it was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no news of anything dreadful,
Fact, nothing to fear of at all.
So, thinking no more of the danger,
They sent off their son to the front,
To fight for his king and for his country,
A risk but maybe worth a punt.
There were one great big cannon called Wilhelm;
The spiller of many men’s blood-
It lay behind German defenses,
With its base many feet in the mud.
Now Albert had heard about battles,
How they was ferocious and mad-
To see No Man’s Land looking so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the lad.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his gun with a bayonet on it
And charged ‘cause he thought the coast clear.
You could see that the Germans didn’t like it,
They fired Wilhelm at Albert’s head,
Their aim was unfortunately spot on,
And down fell the little lad dead.
Soon Pa, when told of the occurence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said “Mother! Yon cannon’s killed Albert”,
And Mother said, ‘Well I am vexed!”
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom-
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done-
Complained to the army commander,
That a cannon had murdered their son.
The Major was quite calm about it;
He said “Oh, I’m sure it’s a joke.
How do you know it’s your boy that’s been killed?”
Pa said “How’d I know? Here’s the note!”
The General had to be sent for.
He came and he said “What’s all this?”
Pa said “Yon cannon’s killed Albert,
And we thought that they always miss.”
The Mother said, “Right’s right, young feller;
I think it’s a shame and a sin,
For a cannon to go and kill Albert,
We don’t have another like him.”
The General wanted no trouble,
He tried to send them both away,
Saying “Don’t bother me with this matter.”
And Pa said “Oi! Can’t you hear what we say?”
Poor Mother had got a bit upset
When she thought that her Albert had gone.
She said “No! Someone’s got to be summonsed”-
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the enquiry,
In front of the Magistrate bloke;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing the note.
The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing,
“And thank you, sir, kindly,” said she.
“What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy cannons? Not me!”
100 years ago today, 4 years of bloodshed and strife finally ended and the world knew peace once more.
In honour of this, I have penned a parody piece of an infamous monologue by a great British comedy actor.
Albert & The
There’s a famous place in France called The Somme,
About as much fun as Verdun,
Where Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Were soon to send Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his kit; what a guy
With a gun with a bayonet on it,
The finest the gov’ment would buy.
They didn’t think much of the fighting:
The war, it was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no news of anything dreadful,
Fact, nothing to fear of at all.
So, thinking no more of the danger,
They sent off their son to the front,
To fight for his king and for his country,
A risk but maybe worth a punt.
There were one great big cannon called Wilhelm;
The spiller of many men’s blood-
It lay behind German defenses,
With its base many feet in the mud.
Now Albert had heard about battles,
How they was ferocious and mad-
To see No Man’s Land looking so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the lad.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his gun with a bayonet on it
And charged ‘cause he thought the coast clear.
You could see that the Germans didn’t like it,
They fired Wilhelm at Albert’s head,
Their aim was unfortunately spot on,
And down fell the little lad dead.
Soon Pa, when told of the occurence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said “Mother! Yon cannon’s killed Albert”,
And Mother said, ‘Well I am vexed!”
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom-
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done-
Complained to the army commander,
That a cannon had murdered their son.
The Major was quite calm about it;
He said “Oh, I’m sure it’s a joke.
How do you know it’s your boy that’s been killed?”
Pa said “How’d I know? Here’s the note!”
The General had to be sent for.
He came and he said “What’s all this?”
Pa said “Yon cannon’s killed Albert,
And we thought that they always miss.”
The Mother said, “Right’s right, young feller;
I think it’s a shame and a sin,
For a cannon to go and kill Albert,
We don’t have another like him.”
The General wanted no trouble,
He tried to send them both away,
Saying “Don’t bother me with this matter.”
And Pa said “Oi! Can’t you hear what we say?”
Poor Mother had got a bit upset
When she thought that her Albert had gone.
She said “No! Someone’s got to be summonsed”-
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the enquiry,
In front of the Magistrate bloke;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing the note.
The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazing,
“And thank you, sir, kindly,” said she.
“What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy cannons? Not me!”
Wednesday, 31 October 2018
From The Mind of Merc - Driving Licences
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics ad occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about driving licenses.
The tests for these are becoming infinitely more difficult and, while I understand the reasoning behind this, for me there are still 2 inherent flaws in this approach.
Firstly, driving lessons (in the UK) still do not include motorway driving as a mandatory aspect. What this means is that provisional or newly qualified drivers are effectively told that although they have no experience of driving on 3-4 lane roads at speeds of around 70mph and all the inherent hazards etc. this entails, it is perfectly legal for them to do so.
For me, this borders on madness. What part of driving round a roundabout, or travelling along a dual carriageway equates to the busier, faster, (some might say) more pressured environment of a motorway? How can someone who’s never been on a motorway be safe to do so? Answer: They’re not. New drivers are placed or permitted to travel in highly dangerous environments with no knowledge or experience of dealing with them. Does that seem safe to you?
(I stress in the UK as in European countries such as Germany this is part and parcel of learning to drive – which makes much more sense.)
Secondly, the emphasis is on placing additional requirements on ‘NEW’ drivers. But there are millions of ‘OLD’ drivers who have not passed these additional requirements and yet are still apparently equally safe on the roads. How can that be? How can someone with less training or experience be just as qualified (or safe) as someone who has?
Drivers who qualified before 2002 did so without undertaking Hazard Perception tests. Drivers who qualified before 1996 did not even have to take a theory test. (And drivers prior to 1935 or who learnt during the Second World War required no test at all!) Yet, apparently they are just as safe as those who do undergo these additional precautions.*
Add to this the fact that the older drivers are automatically allowed to drive vehicles much larger than anything of which they have any experience simply because they passed a plain (and, it could be argued, dated) driving test. And the danger rises.
Again the removal of this right is a restriction that has solely been placed on new drivers which, again, does not make sense. If newer, more recently trained and honed drivers are not safe in trucks, vans and lorries, then why are older, non-highly trained drivers?
And to those who say older, means more experience a) that should mean they have no issue taking the additional tests to ensure or prove their safety on the roads and b) experience counts for nought in high-pressured situations – everyone makes mistakes.
There should not be double standards when it comes to safety.
Either someone is safe to drive on the roads without those additional tests, or they are not.
And practice of driving on multi-lane roads at accelerated speeds should be a necessary requirement before someone is classified as being qualified to drive.
And for anyone who raises the ‘inconvenience’ of putting the older, less strictly tested drivers through the same tests to ensure they are of the same safe standard. I would consider the physical and emotional pain of the experience and consequence of a car crash to have significantly more importance.
Safety is more important than bureaucracy. Being accident-free is more important than admin. Lives should not be endangered for the sake of a bit of red tape that is supposed to protect them.
*To be clear I do not mean to besmirch these drivers. They may be perfectly good, perfectly skilled. My point is the hypocrisy of determining new drivers need this additional training which older, existing drivers do not.
The tests for these are becoming infinitely more difficult and, while I understand the reasoning behind this, for me there are still 2 inherent flaws in this approach.
Firstly, driving lessons (in the UK) still do not include motorway driving as a mandatory aspect. What this means is that provisional or newly qualified drivers are effectively told that although they have no experience of driving on 3-4 lane roads at speeds of around 70mph and all the inherent hazards etc. this entails, it is perfectly legal for them to do so.
For me, this borders on madness. What part of driving round a roundabout, or travelling along a dual carriageway equates to the busier, faster, (some might say) more pressured environment of a motorway? How can someone who’s never been on a motorway be safe to do so? Answer: They’re not. New drivers are placed or permitted to travel in highly dangerous environments with no knowledge or experience of dealing with them. Does that seem safe to you?
(I stress in the UK as in European countries such as Germany this is part and parcel of learning to drive – which makes much more sense.)
Secondly, the emphasis is on placing additional requirements on ‘NEW’ drivers. But there are millions of ‘OLD’ drivers who have not passed these additional requirements and yet are still apparently equally safe on the roads. How can that be? How can someone with less training or experience be just as qualified (or safe) as someone who has?
Drivers who qualified before 2002 did so without undertaking Hazard Perception tests. Drivers who qualified before 1996 did not even have to take a theory test. (And drivers prior to 1935 or who learnt during the Second World War required no test at all!) Yet, apparently they are just as safe as those who do undergo these additional precautions.*
Add to this the fact that the older drivers are automatically allowed to drive vehicles much larger than anything of which they have any experience simply because they passed a plain (and, it could be argued, dated) driving test. And the danger rises.
Again the removal of this right is a restriction that has solely been placed on new drivers which, again, does not make sense. If newer, more recently trained and honed drivers are not safe in trucks, vans and lorries, then why are older, non-highly trained drivers?
And to those who say older, means more experience a) that should mean they have no issue taking the additional tests to ensure or prove their safety on the roads and b) experience counts for nought in high-pressured situations – everyone makes mistakes.
There should not be double standards when it comes to safety.
Either someone is safe to drive on the roads without those additional tests, or they are not.
And practice of driving on multi-lane roads at accelerated speeds should be a necessary requirement before someone is classified as being qualified to drive.
And for anyone who raises the ‘inconvenience’ of putting the older, less strictly tested drivers through the same tests to ensure they are of the same safe standard. I would consider the physical and emotional pain of the experience and consequence of a car crash to have significantly more importance.
Safety is more important than bureaucracy. Being accident-free is more important than admin. Lives should not be endangered for the sake of a bit of red tape that is supposed to protect them.
*To be clear I do not mean to besmirch these drivers. They may be perfectly good, perfectly skilled. My point is the hypocrisy of determining new drivers need this additional training which older, existing drivers do not.
Thursday, 25 October 2018
I Can't See Clearly Now - !!!NEW!!!
Another one that originated with the opening line coming into my head. This is the result:
I Can See Clearly Now I Can’t See Clearly Now not by Johnny Nash
I can’t see clearly now the beer has gone
I can’t see any obstacles in my way
And a dark fog now obscures my mind
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Oh no - I can’t take it now the booze is gone
All of the bad feelings have reappeared
Where is that peace that I was drinking for?
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Looking around, there’s nothing but drunk guys
Pain in my head, nothing but drunk guys
I can’t see clearly now the beer has gone
I can’t see any obstacles in my way
And a dark fog now obscures my mind
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Oh, no, really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
I can’t see clearly now the beer has gone
I can’t see any obstacles in my way
And a dark fog now obscures my mind
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Oh no - I can’t take it now the booze is gone
All of the bad feelings have reappeared
Where is that peace that I was drinking for?
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Looking around, there’s nothing but drunk guys
Pain in my head, nothing but drunk guys
I can’t see clearly now the beer has gone
I can’t see any obstacles in my way
And a dark fog now obscures my mind
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Oh, no, really don’t feel alright (right) right (right), I don’t feel ok
Thursday, 18 October 2018
Former Fairest of Them All - Mercorabilia
Time for another alternative Disney ending. This time, what if Snow White had paid more attention to the lives of her housemates.
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of us all?
Magic Mirror: If truly the fairest you seek, over your shoulder take a peek.
Evil Queen: What the-?
Snow White: Hello.
Evil Queen: Snow White! What are you doing here?
Snow White: What you mean in my father’s castle – which I technically own now he’s dead.
Evil Queen: Well, I- he- you-
Snow White: Let me save you the trouble. You see – after your assassination attempt (cute huntsmen by the way), I just happened to come across these 7 dwarves who took me in and in exchange for my bed and board they hired me as their housekeeper and cook while they went out working all day.
Evil Queen: Really.
Snow White: Yes. So anyway, one day I decided to ask what they did all day and it turns out they spend their whole time digging up tons and tons of these sparkling – and highly valuable - gems.
Evil Queen: They what?
Snow White: Mmm. Which they weren’t actually using for anything so, naturally being quite hot in the brains department as well as beauty, I thought I might as well put these to good use.
Evil Queen: Oh, yes. How exactly?
Snow White: Well, you know those guards of yours who you told to make sure I didn’t enter the castle under any circumstances.
Evil Queen: Yes.
Snow White: Well, long story short, turns out I pay better than you do so now they work for me.
Evil Queen: Damn.
Snow White: Yeah. Guards!
Guard: Yes, your majesty.
Snow White: Take away this former fairest of them all and lock her away in the highest room of the tallest tower.
Guard: Why would we put her there?
Snow White: I don’t know – it just sounds good.
Guard: Is she to just have bread and water?
Snow White: Oh, no – that would be cruel. Tell you what – she can have this apple as well.
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